I haven’t done a weekend post for quite some time, but I know this next week is going to be busy. I hope you are enjoying summer and all the fun adventures that it offers. The last two weekends, my family has hit the lake. Here in Spokane when you ask someone what they are doing they will say, “going to the lake.” We have so many all around that often you don’t know which one they are heading to. Yesterday we went to Lake Pend Oreille and enjoyed the south end of the lake just south of Sand Point, Idaho.
For Father’s Day this year, Cami and the kids gave me an infatable kayak. It has been so much fun and adds another dimension to our lake trips because we are no longer land locked. We headed out yesterday looking for adventure. We were only at the beach a short time because we spent most of the day paddling around a beautiful place called Buttonhook Bay. We hiked an island, jumped off the docks, and had second thoughts about the tree swing.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because it taught me a simple lesson about one’s place in life. Our camera ran out of batteries so I don’t have a photo. You’ll have to image Cami and I paddling our raft with Preslie in the front. Braunson & Beaudry our 10 year olds are on a tube that is tied to the back of our kayak. Maci and Cooper (both age 7) are also tied to our kayak, floating in a small rubber raft. We must have been quite the sight because I saw several people pointing as we floated by.
As we circled around the island, we were in a magical, beautiful place. Boats were only allowed to go 5 mph (we didn’t have a problem doing that). There were only a handful of boats and most were tied up at the dock. We had the steep, wooded mountains on three sides with the majority of the lake behind us. For a minute here and there we would just stop, float, and enjoy! The lesson was found in comparing our make-shift train of boats to the others in the bay. There were several massive sail boats, a couple double decker boats, and then some nice boats for water skiing. We seemed to be the only ones using man-power to move our boat. At first we felt quite small and out of place with the big boy boats, yet as we played and explored I was more than content to be were I was. My family was together, we were in a beautiful place, and we were enjoying each others company. The size of our boat wasn’t the focus. The manner of our movement wasn’t the focus. We focused on each other - the laughter, the deadend trails on the island, the oversized rope swing that scared me as I gave it the first test-run, and the endless dives and flips off of the dock. In a moment we could have been anywhere because we were together.

One of the biggest complaints I here from both partners is “I’m never good enough” or “what I do is never enough.” We try to please our spouse. We try to love them using their love language. We try to listen. We try, and try, and try….yet often feel it is never enough.
So the other day I was working with a couple and this pattern was being repeated. The wife was discussing how she was frustrated with the lack of attention and affection. As I helped her move away from her frustration (frustration is probably one of the least effective ways to encourage someone to try in a relationship), I helped her realize how hurt she was. In this she then described what she really needed from her husband.
As she stated her needs I could see the list forming in the husbands mind and imaged him saying to himself “If I’m already failing, how in the world will I be able to do all of those things.”
What happened next is the real solution. Rather than running out and ‘doing’ all the things he thought he HAD to do, he shared how overwhelmed he was and the pressure ‘not to fail’ in the relationship. He spoke of his personal fear of failure and how he didn’t want to fail at loving his wife. In this he started to cry because of the pain he has felt for so long as he continually failed to help his wife feel loved and appreciated. In the moment where he began to cry, she began to cry.
You see, the answer to the question of ‘what is enough’ is found in sharing yourself with your spouse. As we share who we are, where we are at, and how we feel - the other one knows us, hears us, and finally sees us.
We all want to be seen and often when someone is asking for more, they really want you to see them. You are enough. You being you and you sharing who you are is enough. Letting someone see the real you, even if you are scared, hurt, or alone…is enough. Once you are seen it is easier to see the other person. When we see one another, we can reach out and comfort. We begin to understand them and they begin to understand us. It is hard to help someone we don’t see.
I know there have been times in my life where my own insecurities have caused me to wonder if I’m ever enough for my wife. I have also experienced the times when I have allowed my wife to see me and I’m always amazed at how eager she is to respond when she finally sees me. Try it and see what happens.

This morning I presented my model of the relationship process to my students. Each time I have the opportunity to discuss and share my research it reminds me of my passion and interest in understanding and working with couples. If you don’t remember my research here is a bit of it:
I looked at couples who self-identified as being part of a healthy relationship. I had them describe their experience and tried to find pieces that could fit together to develop a model to explain their relationship. What I found was that these couples each had perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. These perceptions influenced the type of expectations they had for themselves, their partner and the relationship. For example, if one person had a perception that their spouse was a caring person, they they held an expectation that their spouse would care for them when needed. These perceptions and expectations influence how they interact. Continuing the example, “if I see my spouse as a caring person, I will expect him/her to be there for me when I need to be cared for. Because I expect them to be there, I go towards them when I need something.” If the interaction meets the expectation, then it confirms the perception and the cycle repeats itself.
I use this with most of my couples that I see in my counseling practice. As they pinpoint their perceptions of their spouse/partner they can almost always predict their expectations and interactions.
If you find that someone is angry all the time (interaction) what perception and expectations are behind that anger? Often I have found that angry people see their partner in a negative light (selfish, uncaring, mean, scary) and expect negative things (only take care of self, uninterested, unavailable, hurtful) and the anger is often a protest or protection against the perception and expected behavior.
It may be helpful for each of us to take inventory of our perceptions of our spouse, ourself, and our relationship. How you see the other person comes out in each interaction. The key is to understand your relationship process, be in control of it, and work to change it if it isn’t working for you.

For our family, July 4th represents the best of summer. We alternate between two traditions - camping at Priest Lake or heading to Idaho Falls. This year we are here in I.F. celebrating with a morning parade, family bbq and fireworks. Here are some of reasons our family loves the 4th of July:                                                                   
*there is nothing better than fireworks set to music (fireworks over the lake at the Hills or dancing to a live DJ at the marina at Priest or being along the river in Idaho Falls).
*parades - our family loves to attend parades (the Lilac parade in Spokane or the parade in Idaho Falls for the 4th).

                                         
*being with family - when we go camping it is so fun to be up at the lake for any lenght of time. This year we get to see extended family and attend a bbq at my Grandma Pratt’s place which she has hosted for years. Its a mini-family reunion.
*all day celebrations - it seems like so many holidays are celebrated after work. We love any type that begin in the morning and last all day and even into the night. There is nothing like an all day party!
*finding outfits in red, white and blue. Hey its fun to dress up!

We hope you have a great 4th of July!

I know many of you have been celebrating summer for a month now, but for us it has finally arrived. The kids had their first full week of vacation and the weather finally turned warm and sunny. Summer is such a great time of year to change our pace and to change our focus. For some of us we spend more time outside, more time recreating, and more time with friends and family. Summer, and the warmer weather and longer nights, creates the perfect excuse to try something new. Invite people over for smores and night games in the back yard or head to the park for a family picnic. Today our family found a fun park along the Spokane River by Post Falls, ID. We carted our lunch with us and ate underneath tall pines. The kids played in the water and Preslie fell in and then decided just to enjoy a quick swim. We played on the big toy and then everyone took their turn swinging the bat while we practiced some baseball. Just a fun afternoon with little prep. It was just a step a way from the house, the routine, and all the many projects that call to us the rest of the week.
Summer creates the natural backdrop to do small activities that build lasting memories. A fun bike ride, a nice casual walk, or just sitting on the porch. As summer heats up, some of us will find ways to head out on a family adventure. We will hit the woods, lakes, and water parks. We will attend family reunions and reconnect with cousins and siblings. We will strenghten relationships that keep us going the rest of the year. Some of these activities will be true adventures with risks, wild rides, and even roller coasters. Others will enjoy long talks, small talk, and even laughter. When you are with the ones you love, it really doesn’t matter what you do.
Let this be a summer where you build relationships and focus on what matters most.

This morning I was given a model that shows the pattern of a relationship in four steps. First, we fall in love where there is romance, infatuation, little conflict, and often we see the other as ‘perfect.’ After some time this stages progresses into what could be called the settling down phase. Here we begin to see imperfections and differences. We settle into a routine and operate in a fairly regular cycle. Then we progress to a third stage where we ‘bottom out.’ Here partners hide from confrontation, engage in blaming and alienation. In this stage we have a choice - we can either move into a holding pattern were we continue to bottom out which often results in rock bottom or the end - or we can leave or fight. Here we acknowledge that we are part of the problem and work to create change. If we choose to change we move to the fourth stage called ‘beginning again’ where we remember why and how we are attracted to the other person. We often realize what we are attracted to is different than the beginning and we move to reconciliation, forgiveness, and hope. We begin to fall in love again.

I don’t know if that cycle describes relationships exactly the way I see them, but I like the part where we have a choice to move into a holding pattern or create change by doing something different. Why would someone move to a holding pattern? Comfort, familiarity, fear…etc. I believe in each of our relationships we all need courage to dare to do something different. Even when life is good we need to be building courage to fight the tendency to bottom out or turn away. We need to dare to be different and work to create new patterns of connections; new opportunities to grow together; and moments of forgiveness and reconcilation.

We recently returned from Cami’s grandma’s funeral and with that trip has come a lot of deep thoughts about life.

Throw Father’s Day into that and it all adds up to moments of deep reflection about the type of life I want to live. I heard a saying years ago that asked “do you live to work or do you work to live?” I believe I work to live, yet there are stretches in my schedule where some may think I simply live to work. So I want each of us to take some time to think about our living legacy…what does our current life say about who we are and how we live(d) our life.
For Father’s Day each of the kids wrote me a short letter thanking me for being their father. In each note were a handful a statements about what they liked about me, what they want from me, and what they enjoy doing with me. Some were obvious like Cooper saying he appreciates me making lots of money and he would hope that I would give it all to him. Others were based on recent activities like Beaudry saying he enjoys going mountain biking with me. Yet a few really spoke to what I hope is my living legacy with my kids. They spoke of the time we spend together, the ideas I share with them, and the coaching I do on the side. More than being a hard worker, I want my kids to know I valued our time together and that I valued them.
Lately we’ve been consumed with house projects…I think each kid now has a new bed, new bedroom feel, and a few new places to store things. With all of this I tried to highlight that my bedroom hasn’t been updated since we were married and probably won’t be in any near future (by choice). I wanted my kids to see that I valued their experience more than my own. I’m not sure they care too much about that at this point, but it seems important for them to know that from me.
What else is important to you and how you live your life? When it comes to our legacy I don’t believe it is about having the right one, or if our’s is wrong…it is about fit. Does your life represent who you are and how you want to live? Does your focus represent what you value and what brings you joy, satisfaction, and lasting security? I sure hope so.

Today is the last day of school for our kids and with that comes a ton of different emotions. Can you remember one of your last days of school? So much fun. So much anticipation. So much excitement. With all of the fun, anticipation, and excitement some of us become focus-challenged. With everything going on, we can’t seem to remain focused on the tasks at hand. Here is an example to illustrate my point:
Yesterday at school the kids had a ‘field day’ which turned out to be a ‘gym day’ because of rain. They had movies for part of the day and a long list of games they could play the other part of the day. Maci and Cooper had games in the morning, then lunch, then some ‘Tapping Grandmas’ before the games could begin. When the time finally arrived it was a free-for-all. Kids were running back and forth, station to station. Mobs of kids trying to all jump on the blow up twister game, while others danced in the gym. In the middle of all this craziness I ran into Maci. I literally ran into her as she was running form station to station. The funny thing is that she wasn’t doing any of the activities. She would run as fast as she could to a station (let’s say twister) then see the line was long and wait about 30 seconds before leaving for the line dancing in the gym. She danced about 8 beats before she heading to the library for board games. When I finally ran into her I asked her what she was doing and she said, “there are so many things to do that I don’t know what to do.” And since she didn’t know what to do, she was ending up doing nothing.
This can be many of us at different stages in our lives. We are pulled in many different directions because of the options and opportunities that are available to us. With the endless options some become ‘paralyzed by choices’ while others begin many choices yet rarely stick with one decision to see it to the end. What happens when this becomes a pattern? Can you picture this and can you identify times in your life when you have been in this dance?
The challenge is to choose your focus and to take charge of your shifting states. It’s okay (and even healthy) to shift needs, focus, and direction. The key is to be in control of shifts and turns. If not we either become lost without a true compass of what we need, want, and desire…or we can become paralyzed by the choices and literally freeze in our decision making.
So now my kids are finally joining the many other kids who have already started summer vacation. This exciting time with endless possibilities. Will they choose a focus, become lost along the way, or become bored/frozen with too many choices. Help them choose a focus, stay on task, and enjoy the moment…remember life is best lived in the present. Happy summer!

With each new season I seem to look back at the last one and say, “life is going to fast,” or “I work too much.” Well lately I’ve felt that again as we count down the final days of the school year. Tonight I’m teaching my final summer school class until July and the kids have less than two weeks until summer. Yesterday we attended a final school party for Maci and Cooper, which means the end is really near.
Right now we have several people who are dear to us who are struggling with health issues and it makes me think about what I deem most important in my life. My kids might say it is my job because of the countless hours I seem to spend working. I’m always picking up a new client, an additional class, or a new workshop. I love what I do, but it isn’t what matters most.
My kids might say it is sports - watching football in the fall, ultimate frisbee on Saturday mornings, golf clubs in the trunk of my car waiting to be played, or the occasional mountain bike ride. I do love to recreate, but they are not what matters most.
After all of that, my kids would then have to say what matters most must be food related -bbq (ribs, pulled pork, something smoked), out to eat, Thai food, homemade David’s Pizza, etc. They know I’m always in the kitchen looking for something fun to make. Nope, not what matters most.
Then they would get it right - family; doing activities; being together. This is what matters most - the people in my life! Relationships are maintained and built by the exchanges we have together. Relationships are strengthened by sharing ourselves with those around us. Relationships are strengthened knowing we are there for the special moments. I know we cannot always be there for one another, so the challenge is to enjoy the moments when we can be there. I hope your summer plans are focused on creating moments with those who matter most.

Yesterday I was asked to speak to a group up in north Spokane and I spoke about strengthening marriage. Here are some highlights of what I shared.
I believe we all operate in patterns. No single event ‘just’ happens; events are connected. In marriage we develop patterns from the time we first date and they continue and develop as life changes. These patterns can seem to operate on auto-pilot and often we don’t even think about them. I broke these patterns into 2 basic cycles - one turnings us toward our spouse and the other turning us away.
For the pattern that leads away from one another I pulled on the ‘6 Destructive Ds’ that was shared a year ago by a leader in my church (Kevin Pearson, April 2009). He applied these Ds to ones faith, but I believe they fit well within one’s marriage. They go like this: We may begin to have doubts in our marriage. Doubt can come from fear or a lack of belief in one’s ability. We may doubt that we are important or that we are appreciated by one another. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Over time discouragement can lead to distraction. We can lose focus or shift priorities. When we are distracted, we often have a lack of diligence in our marriage.  These four Ds can take hold of our marriage and we can spin in this cycle for weeks, months or even years. If this pattern is not corrected it can lead to the other 2 destructive Ds - disobedience and disbelief. Here we break commitments and covenants and eventually begin to lose belief that the marriage can be saved.
Compare this to what I called the ‘6 Affectionate As’. These are 6 tools every marriage needs in order to create a pattern where we turn towards one another. First, we need to be accessible. Each spouse needs to know they can call upon the other in times of need. Next, we need to be attentive. It isn’t good enough to know we can reach the other, we need to know they will respond. When we are attentive, we cue into the other’s needs and how we can be emotionally responsive. As we work to do these things, we need to become actively engaged. Marriage (and each person) need constant, consitent nurturing. Being actively engaged is a commitment to do little things with one another to keep connected. Recreation is one great way to do this - be active with one another. Couples need to develop a pattern of appreciation. Do you notice the 9 things that were picked out, or the one that was left out? We need to have an attitude of appreciation where we look for the positive and pay tribute to the skills, gifts, and attributes each brings to the relationship. Next, couples need to love with affection. It is not enough to be ‘good friends’ or associates. Each spouse longs to be loved and to feel affection from the other. Learn to love in a language that the other can understand. Finally, we need to apply the atonement. No spouse is perfect, so we need to learn to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continuously work to create a place of softness where one is not judged for the mistakes they make, but rather the repairs they attempt.
There you have it (sorry for the length). Stay away from the 6 Destructive Ds and develop the 6 Affectionate As. Think about it this way…would you rather have a report card of straight Ds or straight As???