I’m about to begin a new semester of classes where I have the opportunity to make a small mark on the lives of my students and on their beliefs about counseling, relationships, and life. I have found myself tossing through the night as I anticipate the new beginning because I have so many ideas and I wonder which ones would work and which ones I dare try. Do you ever have this experience or am I the only one? I’ve had several nights since the new year where I have seriously thought about getting out of bed to write down my thoughts. Of course I didn’t and in the morning they came out not so clearly as I tried to share my new found excitement with Cami. Yet, what has remained is this excitement. I really love focusing on relationships and know that there are so many answers out there. I ended up watching a few minutes of an info-commerical on some health kick idea (yes, I’m like many of you trying to be healthy in the new year). What I ended up thinking about was the fact that our relationships need time just like our bodies. I’m watching this show as it says that all we need is 30 minutes a day and we can have great _______________ (abs, arms, …you fill in the blank.) 30 minutes of focused thought and attention (not to mention the healthy eating throughout the day, good amounts of sleep, and good rest). Couldn’t that be the recipe for a healthier relationship?
I know we are all busy, life seems to like it that way. I know we have so many things that demand our time, attention, and energy. I also know great happiness comes when we make relationships a part of our ‘to do’ list. I know we find peace, comfort, and lots and lots of security when we put loving our spouse (or children) at the front of our priorities. This doesn’t mean we spend every minute loving them. What it means is when we have a minute, we love them. Being physically and mentally present is one key to secure relationships, and the other principle is being emotionally responsive.
I get so excited when I think about what will happen in our homes, families, and marriages when we devote a few more minutes of focus and time to our relationships. Did you happen to see Pete Caroll being introduced as the new Seattle Seahawks coach? Talk about excited! We should be that hopeful about our futures when we think about our relationships. I know I am, and I sure hope you are too!

I hope you enjoyed the holidays and all the activities that you could squeeze in. Our family created a few new traditions while maintaining some fun rituals that keep the spirit of the Holidays alive and well. Now it is onto 2010 and a chance to create something new. Are you one who begins each year with a set of new resolutions? I usually prefer to update my goals throughout the year and leave new year’s day for football and winter activities. This year I do plan to work throughout the year to keep some new resolutions on how I want to live my life and how I want to love my wife.
As you contemplate your new year,  I ask you to develop a set of simple goals to help you create a new you. Let this year be one where you find your best self and work to enhance the personal image you have of yourself. In addition, I ask you to plan specific ways where you will develop, nurture, and grow relationships in your life.
We are not only starting a new year, we are beginning a new decade. In the area of research on couples and relationships, this last decade was filled with new knowledge that changed the way the profession worked to support those seeking to better their relationship. I am so excited as I try to image what we will learn and what we will do over the next 10 years as we work to better understand relationships and how to help each of us experience the sense of security that is so important. Let this be the best decade of your

So what’s on your Christmas list this year? New clothes, a trip, some tech toy? I loved reading the lists my kids made this year as they ranged from a single item (Preslie wants a pink doctor kit), to the double digits, to the suggestions. Yes, Beaudry and Braunson didn’t want to burden Santa this year so they only gave suggestions. I’ve been so busy with finals, grades, and Christmas parties that I’m finally sitting down to write my list.
Well I already know some of my gifts because I bought them. There will be one that is big and red and goes really fast. I can’t wait to use it in the spring and will have to wait with anticipation for a few more months. There are a couple of small things that I even wrapped for myself that will be more of a surprise to Cami because I have them coming from her (don’t worry they are small and practical gifts). Usually I don’t buy my own gifts so we will see how I like it this year.
So if I know some of what I’m getting, what else could I want for Christmas? All I want for Christmas is time with my family and time at home. Sounds silly, but I’m coming off a busy couple of months and being home and being a dad and husband sound pretty good right now. The best part is this is a gift I know I can get.
Whatever you ask for this year, I hope you’ll find the gift of quality time waiting under your tree. We live in a busy world and quality time with those we love can be hard to find. I’ll miss being with extended family and some friends, but I’ll cherish the time at home with my special ones. Merry Christmas to each of you. I hope this has been a great year and that you will look back at 2009 and see steps towards connection, stronger bonds, and a sense of security in your life.

I love this time of year for many, many reasons and hope you do to. I love the lights, the sounds, and the excitement that comes from anticipation. As I was driving downtown this morning I saw a big window display with the question, “Do you believe?” This time of year that is a great question to ask. Last year we had the Santa discussion with Beaudry and Braunson and it seemed to ruin Christmas. Somehow, I think they are back to trusting in the old St. Nick. Another question around beliefs, is whether or not we believe in the Christ child, Jesus.
Lately I have found myself asking another question around whether or not people believe that their marriage can be different. When you’ve lived with the same patterns for years and years, sometimes it can be difficult to truly believe things can and will be different. Yet, just like Christmas, there is a magic that takes place when we do believe. I hope each of us will always believe that our marriages can and will improve. Without this belief it is hard to make the effort and put in the work. Yet when we do, we will love where it takes us. This Christmas, I ask you…Do you believe? Merry Christmas!

As we navigate through the holiday season we all hope to avoid disasters and hopefully find ourselves as having masters all that is required. I thought I would share a quick comparison of what the reserach John Gottman has found about the differences in couples, ones he calls masters and disasters. His research shows that the master couples (those who stay together and are happy) are more likely to prioritize their relationship, develop rituals of connection, continually update their knowledge of one another, and continually add positive energy to their relationship. He has found that disaster couples (couples who either break up or remain together but are not happy) tend to prioritize parts of their life other than their relationship, fail to add positive energy to their relationship, and fail to make repair attempts when problems do arrive.
I can think of the first key as one that may be difficult during December, but we will be happier in the end (and even during the process) if we will find small ways to prioritize time together. Don’t you think we should enjoy the season together? I believe we can and as we do, we will find that the season has much more meaning and enjoyment.

As we move from having gratitude we begin to think about giving. This year, as you prepare for the holiday season, what gift will you give? At church yesterday, Beaudry and Braunson read a story about a family who gave away their Christmas to help another family. They both were very touched by the story and were honest when they added, “I’m not sure I could do that.” Me neither. I think it would be really hard to focus all our time, efforts, and gifts to others. I think a lot of us enjoy the season because it is nice to receive (more on this in another post).
I ask you not to give away all that you have or all that you plan to have under the tree. what I’m asking is for you to begin to think about a gift you can give your spouse that is different. Here are some examples:
One issue that couples face each December is a loss of time devoted to their relationship. Even if they are at holiday gatherings together, rarely do they have the quality time that is needed to nurture the relationship so it is strong when Valentine’s arrives. Think about giving the gift of time this season.
Hopefully you all know about the 5 Love Languages (if not google it and you’ll find it fast). Gary Chapman believes we each have a primary way we feel loved and we all favor one of five love languages: Gifts, Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch. A great gift this year would be to love your spouse (and kids) in a language they understand.
How about a simple gift that you know your spouse would love: mine starts each wish list with a massage.
Finally, think about a gift that will keep on giving. Find ways to be thoughtful, thankful, and playful in your gift giving.

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time that begins a month long celebration. It is a time of gratitude, appreciation, and honoring those you love. It is a time to renew old traditions, create new ones, and enjoy a change of pace. Here are a few of the things I am most thankful for:

I’m most thankful for my family. I have been blessed with an amazing wife and 5 great kids. I appreciate most the times we spend together, whether on a short day ‘adventure’ or an extended summer trip. The above pictures are from Red Fish, ID and Coeur d’Alene, ID. I’m grateful for the great place we live and the chance we have to get out and enjoy life. I feel blessed to have family and friends who we can visit and who add quality to our world. Happy Thanksgiving!

Wow, its already November. Halloween was so much fun and crazy too! This month is always a fun one for us as we think about how our lives and family changed as we brought Braunson and Beaudry into our family. It is crazy to think that is was 10 years ago that we experienced the scares, cheers, and changes of having twins. For most people, November is a month of gratitude where we give just a little more thought about what blessings we have. For some it is children, while others it is health or even employment. This month should be a time where we reflect on what makes our life great. I hope in this reflection we take moments to honor and appreciate our relationships. Our spouse is one of the greatest parts of our lives and is a huge blessing on so many levels. As you give thanks throughout the month, share your gratitude with your spouse.

I think we have heard a lot about the importance of purpose and meaning in our lives. Many of us are goal oriented people and know how goals are important in keeping us focused in our lives. One of my favorite sayings about goals is this, “If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably wind up somewhere else.” This applies for things big and small. I was in San Diego this past week and I kept saying, “I hope to make it to the beach.” I never really set it as a goal and I really never saw the beach, the sand, or the waves. I finally caught a glimse from the airplane on the way out, but that didn’t meet the need I ‘hoped’ it would. No goal, no beach!
What about meaning and purpose in marriage? Jim Bitter, a national writer on several counseling approaches has written this: “Purpose and meaning are intimately connected, that is, the purposes we seek define who are and what we are worth.” “Purpose explains the present and anticipates the future.” These statements have really struck me as I seek to better understand the how and why of couple relationships. I really believe the purpose and meaning we make in our relationship directly influences how we live in our relationships. Most of the discussion on goals, purpose, and meaning are directed at individuals. Have you taken the time to make your marriage one with a secure purpose? Do you and your spouse take time to discuss what meaning you want in your marriage and what goals you are setting to make sure you accomplish this purpose?
Jim Bitter said that our purpose explains the present and anticipates the future. In this I believe he is speaking to the power of intention and how our current intentions influence our future. How purposeful are you in your marriage? Sometimes it is easy to let this go and be focused on making everything else better. Our marriages are the place we come home to, a place we retire. Do we actively build them up? Are we intentional in nuturing them and our spouse?
One final piece, Jim Bitter spoke of the connection between purpose, meaning, and what we are worth. I think self-worth is one of the keys to life. If you can figure out how to have strong self-worth, then you’ll be fine in life. I think we can also link this to our relationships. The purpose and meaning we set for our relationships will impact their worth. When our marriages are full of worth, we will be full of worth. The security found in our relationships provides personal safety and security –two keys in building self-worth.

I find that I become more interested in a story or a discussion when the topic includes relationships. This past week I found myself listening to several different discussions or stories about love. Some were small or from the media, while others were quite deep and from important people. Regardless of the source, I took note. Here is some of what I heard:
*Pray for love
*Love and honor your parents regardless of who they are
*Love is what gives meaning to life
*Love can be painful, yet we all seem to want more
*Loving your children can be different than loving your spouse - each important, and yet each comes with its own challenges
*Love is found in serving others
*Love can be tricky
*Love is life

I’m sure I could go on, but these were some of the subject lines of the various discussions from this past week. I can see some truth and understanding in each of them. Love is many things and it is such a part of our lives. I do think it presents challenges and yet it is one part of life where we always want more. I know that it is found in small packages and that it is found through service. Look around and I’m sure you’ll find some.