This morning I was given a model that shows the pattern of a relationship in four steps. First, we fall in love where there is romance, infatuation, little conflict, and often we see the other as ‘perfect.’ After some time this stages progresses into what could be called the settling down phase. Here we begin to see imperfections and differences. We settle into a routine and operate in a fairly regular cycle. Then we progress to a third stage where we ‘bottom out.’ Here partners hide from confrontation, engage in blaming and alienation. In this stage we have a choice - we can either move into a holding pattern were we continue to bottom out which often results in rock bottom or the end - or we can leave or fight. Here we acknowledge that we are part of the problem and work to create change. If we choose to change we move to the fourth stage called ‘beginning again’ where we remember why and how we are attracted to the other person. We often realize what we are attracted to is different than the beginning and we move to reconciliation, forgiveness, and hope. We begin to fall in love again.

I don’t know if that cycle describes relationships exactly the way I see them, but I like the part where we have a choice to move into a holding pattern or create change by doing something different. Why would someone move to a holding pattern? Comfort, familiarity, fear…etc. I believe in each of our relationships we all need courage to dare to do something different. Even when life is good we need to be building courage to fight the tendency to bottom out or turn away. We need to dare to be different and work to create new patterns of connections; new opportunities to grow together; and moments of forgiveness and reconcilation.

Today is the last day of school for our kids and with that comes a ton of different emotions. Can you remember one of your last days of school? So much fun. So much anticipation. So much excitement. With all of the fun, anticipation, and excitement some of us become focus-challenged. With everything going on, we can’t seem to remain focused on the tasks at hand. Here is an example to illustrate my point:
Yesterday at school the kids had a ‘field day’ which turned out to be a ‘gym day’ because of rain. They had movies for part of the day and a long list of games they could play the other part of the day. Maci and Cooper had games in the morning, then lunch, then some ‘Tapping Grandmas’ before the games could begin. When the time finally arrived it was a free-for-all. Kids were running back and forth, station to station. Mobs of kids trying to all jump on the blow up twister game, while others danced in the gym. In the middle of all this craziness I ran into Maci. I literally ran into her as she was running form station to station. The funny thing is that she wasn’t doing any of the activities. She would run as fast as she could to a station (let’s say twister) then see the line was long and wait about 30 seconds before leaving for the line dancing in the gym. She danced about 8 beats before she heading to the library for board games. When I finally ran into her I asked her what she was doing and she said, “there are so many things to do that I don’t know what to do.” And since she didn’t know what to do, she was ending up doing nothing.
This can be many of us at different stages in our lives. We are pulled in many different directions because of the options and opportunities that are available to us. With the endless options some become ‘paralyzed by choices’ while others begin many choices yet rarely stick with one decision to see it to the end. What happens when this becomes a pattern? Can you picture this and can you identify times in your life when you have been in this dance?
The challenge is to choose your focus and to take charge of your shifting states. It’s okay (and even healthy) to shift needs, focus, and direction. The key is to be in control of shifts and turns. If not we either become lost without a true compass of what we need, want, and desire…or we can become paralyzed by the choices and literally freeze in our decision making.
So now my kids are finally joining the many other kids who have already started summer vacation. This exciting time with endless possibilities. Will they choose a focus, become lost along the way, or become bored/frozen with too many choices. Help them choose a focus, stay on task, and enjoy the moment…remember life is best lived in the present. Happy summer!