I’m about to begin a new semester of classes where I have the opportunity to make a small mark on the lives of my students and on their beliefs about counseling, relationships, and life. I have found myself tossing through the night as I anticipate the new beginning because I have so many ideas and I wonder which ones would work and which ones I dare try. Do you ever have this experience or am I the only one? I’ve had several nights since the new year where I have seriously thought about getting out of bed to write down my thoughts. Of course I didn’t and in the morning they came out not so clearly as I tried to share my new found excitement with Cami. Yet, what has remained is this excitement. I really love focusing on relationships and know that there are so many answers out there. I ended up watching a few minutes of an info-commerical on some health kick idea (yes, I’m like many of you trying to be healthy in the new year). What I ended up thinking about was the fact that our relationships need time just like our bodies. I’m watching this show as it says that all we need is 30 minutes a day and we can have great _______________ (abs, arms, …you fill in the blank.) 30 minutes of focused thought and attention (not to mention the healthy eating throughout the day, good amounts of sleep, and good rest). Couldn’t that be the recipe for a healthier relationship?
I know we are all busy, life seems to like it that way. I know we have so many things that demand our time, attention, and energy. I also know great happiness comes when we make relationships a part of our ‘to do’ list. I know we find peace, comfort, and lots and lots of security when we put loving our spouse (or children) at the front of our priorities. This doesn’t mean we spend every minute loving them. What it means is when we have a minute, we love them. Being physically and mentally present is one key to secure relationships, and the other principle is being emotionally responsive.
I get so excited when I think about what will happen in our homes, families, and marriages when we devote a few more minutes of focus and time to our relationships. Did you happen to see Pete Caroll being introduced as the new Seattle Seahawks coach? Talk about excited! We should be that hopeful about our futures when we think about our relationships. I know I am, and I sure hope you are too!

If you were to pick one word to describe your outlook on life would you choose “hope” or “fear?” I believe many of us would say hope as it seems like the better answer and no one wants to admit they live in fear. So maybe I should have put up another choice against hope? But if you don’t have fear, then does that mean you have hope? Do you live your life with hope for you and your spouse? Do you have hope in good things to come?
Why am I asking all of this? Well it seems like I’ve been noticing the amazing power in relationships when there is hope. I can see it in my own marriage and in the couples I work with. It is amazing when even a little hope returns to a relationship. If you have followed my blog, then hopefully you remember my model. Our perceptions (how we see ourselves, how we see our spouse, and how we see our relationship) influence what we expect from ourselves, our spouse, and our relationship. Our perceptions and expectations influence how we interact in our relationship. Picture this model when there is little hope. If you lack hope in yourself, your spouse, or your marriage - how does that influence what you see? How does this lack of hope influence what you expect? And finally, can you see how this lack of hope impacts how you engage and interact?
Hope is the belief that things will be okay. Hope is looking for the good and working to make things better. If we have perceptions filled with hope then we see the good in who we are. We may still see some our our faults and those of our spouse, but with hope we also see what each of us does well. Our perceptions act as filters so a hope-filled perception will filter out some of those weaknesses and help us focus on the positive.
I really believe hope and love go together. Last week I wrote about mothers and their optimistic attitude. If you love your children, doesn’t that mean you have a hope that they will be happy? When you love your spouse you hope they feel safe and secure in their life and with you.
How we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our spouse influences every interaction. When we can feel hopeful, we will turn towards our spouse and work to create connection. As we do, these connections reaffirm that our hope is true and our love is real. I sure hope you hope!

My title might not seem like it fits for my final tribute to mothers during this week of celebration, but it does. I’m asking all moms, “Are you an optimist?” I’ve been intrigued by the new book and t.v. show ‘Always looking up: the adventures of an incurable optimist’ by Michael J. Fox. I watched his show last night and can’t stop thinking about it. Today as I write about moms, I can’t help but think of how each of you must be optimists to do what you do. When your child is born as such a small, helpless individual, you must be optimistic to believe that you can somehow help this being grow, develop, and succeed. When your child begins to crawl, scream, and seek independence, you must be an optimist to believe that he or she will learn to go it all on their own. As they enter adolescents and then young adulthood, does your optimism remain? Do you still see them as the one who has it all and the one who can make it through?
Optimism will be a new topic on our site as I think it fits well with our belief in the power of perception. What does it take to be an optimist and what might be the benefits?
When I was young, I already had 4 older brothers who could do everything I could do and do it better. I already had two sisters who were prettier and more gifted, and I soon had a younger brother who replaced me in my mother’s lap. Yet my mom, like most moms, believed that I could be special. She saw in me something that only an optimist could see.
As we approach Mother’s Day 2009, I say thanks to all the maternal optimists. Those who believe in their children, husbands, and families. Those who…even when they might not believe in themselves…believe that they can make a difference in this world by giving what they have and being who they are. It is from you that other optimists are born. Last night Michael J. Fox said something that is fitting for mothers. He said, ‘its easier to be an optimist when you are not alone.’ I believe this to be true. Thanks to all you moms who are there for your children and give them the ability to face life and hope that they can be successful. Thanks to my wife who gives of her life, even when she could be doing something different, so that our kids are not alone. It is through this thank-less effort that I and many other optimists can and will impact the world. Thanks!