This morning I was reading in Sue Johnson’s book ‘Hold Me Tight’ and she discussed the importance of establishing rituals in our relationships. On page 209 she writes, ‘Rituals are an important part of belonging. They are repeated, intentional ceremonies that recognize a special time or connection. Rituals engage us, emotionally and physically, so that we become riveted to the present moment in a positive way.’

Family reunions are rituals - the games we play, the songs we sing, and the stories we tell. There is a coming together that is looked forward to for months and then remembered for months. Within a family reunion there are smaller rituals - the meals, the activities, the camp fire. Each of these moments are used to engage us one to another and to bring us back from the past and help us be happy in the present.

Just as family reunions are planned and coordinated (for some months in advance), families and couples need to plan and coordinate rituals of connection on a daily and weekly basis. How do you goodbye, good night, and hello? How do you spend time during your meals together? Do you have a date night with your spouse or even with your kids?

Sue Johnson writes about a group of clinically depressed monks. After examining this group, researchers found that the group’s depression stemmed from their abandoning a twice-daily ritual of gathering to sing Gregorian changts. They had lost the sense of community and the comfort of singing together in harmony.

I hope you are creating rituals in your relationships - big ones like family reunions, family road trips, and weekend get-a-ways. I hope you have rituals in your relationships - small ones like a walk around the block, a bedtime story, or fun discussions during dinner.

We just returned from our summer road trip. This year we hit four reunions in two weeks. First off, Cami had a cheer reunion for over ten years worth of cheerleaders from Ricks College (now known as BYU-I). I was amazed at how many could still do standing back tucks. Then we met up with two families and camped at the base of the Grand Tetons in Teton National Park. We camped on Jackson Lake and enjoyed playing in the water with the tetons as our back drop. From there we hit back to back family reunions. I love to see family and I love to see my kids play with their cousins. All these reunions made me ask - why do we do family reunions?

From a relationship stand point, it can be said that relationships exist in the present. Think of the most important relationships in your life. If you are not currently nurturing and building the relationship then it can fade. We hold on to wonderful memories from our past, but relationships need care and time devoted to them in order to stay strong and grow. We have texting and Facebook to keep us connected, but nothing beats spending all day and night with people you love. I don’t know you about your reunions, but at our reunions we sing funny campfire songs, make fools of ourselves as we play silly games, and we enjoy telling stories from the past. One part of our reunions that is always a highlight is the activities. This year we went tubing in Jackson Lake, swimming at Lava Hot Springs, 4-wheeling in Wolverine Canyon, and we spent two days at Lagoon. All of these events provided opportunities for each of my family members to face a some level of fear. I jumped off the high dive, Cooper went on his first roller coaster, Braunson and Beaudry jumped off the first platform at Lava, Maci went on Wicked and Re-Entry in Lagoon, and Preslie…well she is constantly facing her fears.

Reunions are a chance for us to come together, reunite, reconnect, and continue family traditions. One of my favorite sayings is “we need to change our pace and change our focus.” Family reunions provide ample opportunity to do both. Each family has their own traditions. Some celebrate once a year, while others meet together more often. Whatever the frequency, I hope you make it a point to gather with those you love and build memories of being together. This year we came up with another saying that I found my kids repeating several times…maybe it will stick. “You always have room for three things - ice cream, bacon, and family. You can reverse the order if you’d like.”

It has been just over two months since Cami finished her marathon. Since then she continues to run and probably averages 20 miles a week. After seeing her take off for her last run, I thought it might be good to do another comparison to marriages and marathons.
I thought I would focus more on how they are different than how they are similar. Since Cami’s marathon I think I’ve heard almost anything that takes effort and endurance as something that can be compared to a marathon. Yet, now seeing Cami complete her marathon I have realized how different marriage is to a marathon. Here are just a few ways:
*One of the main differences is in the numbers. Have you ever looked at how many people run a marathon? Several sources list the percentage of Americans running a marathon between .13% to 2%. Compare that to the 95% of Americans who marry. Even with the high divorce rate, some statistics show that even those who divorce seem to be trying it again and again.
With the difference in the percentage of Americans who marry versus those who run a marathon, I can’t help but think that many of us are saying that being married is easier than running a marathon??? This gives me a lot of perspective on how we can approach our (marathon) marriage training, our efforts during the (marathon) marriage, and if we think about marriage as a marathon then maybe we need to focus more on how we finish our race.
*Some marathon runners have the goal to ’just finish’ while others are competing for time, personal bests, or to keep up with their friends. Are our attempts in marriage similar? Some marry and just hope they can stay together to the end. Some people are competing for a certain level of satisfaction or happiness, while others are working to have the best marriage they can attain. Are some married people just keeping up with their friends?
*One final piece about marriages and marathons. Sometimes marathoners hit what they call the wall while running. This can happen during their training runs, and is a very real thing during the race. Sometimes it is a psychological wall where their minds don’t believe they can go on. Sometimes it is a very real physical wall where their bodies begin  to shut down and continuing the race seems almost impossible.
Are their walls in marriage - most definately. Some are psychological where it doesn’t seem possible or worth it to continue. There may be times when it appears physically impossible to continue. 
Cami hit a wall during her marathon. She wanted to quit. She sent her friends to go on without her. Her kids kept cheering and even with that she wanted to quit. Instead she kept going at a slower pace, trying to find something to get her body running again. As the supportive husband and cheerleader, I can tell you that Cami’s life is 100% different today because she pushed through the wall. The story of her marathon is different. Her self image is different - not just as a runner, but as a person who was faced with adversity. I know we all hit walls in life and in our marriage. My hope is that we push through, find support, and keep running! 

I haven’t done a weekend post for quite some time, but I know this next week is going to be busy. I hope you are enjoying summer and all the fun adventures that it offers. The last two weekends, my family has hit the lake. Here in Spokane when you ask someone what they are doing they will say, “going to the lake.” We have so many all around that often you don’t know which one they are heading to. Yesterday we went to Lake Pend Oreille and enjoyed the south end of the lake just south of Sand Point, Idaho.
For Father’s Day this year, Cami and the kids gave me an infatable kayak. It has been so much fun and adds another dimension to our lake trips because we are no longer land locked. We headed out yesterday looking for adventure. We were only at the beach a short time because we spent most of the day paddling around a beautiful place called Buttonhook Bay. We hiked an island, jumped off the docks, and had second thoughts about the tree swing.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because it taught me a simple lesson about one’s place in life. Our camera ran out of batteries so I don’t have a photo. You’ll have to image Cami and I paddling our raft with Preslie in the front. Braunson & Beaudry our 10 year olds are on a tube that is tied to the back of our kayak. Maci and Cooper (both age 7) are also tied to our kayak, floating in a small rubber raft. We must have been quite the sight because I saw several people pointing as we floated by.
As we circled around the island, we were in a magical, beautiful place. Boats were only allowed to go 5 mph (we didn’t have a problem doing that). There were only a handful of boats and most were tied up at the dock. We had the steep, wooded mountains on three sides with the majority of the lake behind us. For a minute here and there we would just stop, float, and enjoy! The lesson was found in comparing our make-shift train of boats to the others in the bay. There were several massive sail boats, a couple double decker boats, and then some nice boats for water skiing. We seemed to be the only ones using man-power to move our boat. At first we felt quite small and out of place with the big boy boats, yet as we played and explored I was more than content to be were I was. My family was together, we were in a beautiful place, and we were enjoying each others company. The size of our boat wasn’t the focus. The manner of our movement wasn’t the focus. We focused on each other - the laughter, the deadend trails on the island, the oversized rope swing that scared me as I gave it the first test-run, and the endless dives and flips off of the dock. In a moment we could have been anywhere because we were together.

One of the biggest complaints I here from both partners is “I’m never good enough” or “what I do is never enough.” We try to please our spouse. We try to love them using their love language. We try to listen. We try, and try, and try….yet often feel it is never enough.
So the other day I was working with a couple and this pattern was being repeated. The wife was discussing how she was frustrated with the lack of attention and affection. As I helped her move away from her frustration (frustration is probably one of the least effective ways to encourage someone to try in a relationship), I helped her realize how hurt she was. In this she then described what she really needed from her husband.
As she stated her needs I could see the list forming in the husbands mind and imaged him saying to himself “If I’m already failing, how in the world will I be able to do all of those things.”
What happened next is the real solution. Rather than running out and ‘doing’ all the things he thought he HAD to do, he shared how overwhelmed he was and the pressure ‘not to fail’ in the relationship. He spoke of his personal fear of failure and how he didn’t want to fail at loving his wife. In this he started to cry because of the pain he has felt for so long as he continually failed to help his wife feel loved and appreciated. In the moment where he began to cry, she began to cry.
You see, the answer to the question of ‘what is enough’ is found in sharing yourself with your spouse. As we share who we are, where we are at, and how we feel - the other one knows us, hears us, and finally sees us.
We all want to be seen and often when someone is asking for more, they really want you to see them. You are enough. You being you and you sharing who you are is enough. Letting someone see the real you, even if you are scared, hurt, or alone…is enough. Once you are seen it is easier to see the other person. When we see one another, we can reach out and comfort. We begin to understand them and they begin to understand us. It is hard to help someone we don’t see.
I know there have been times in my life where my own insecurities have caused me to wonder if I’m ever enough for my wife. I have also experienced the times when I have allowed my wife to see me and I’m always amazed at how eager she is to respond when she finally sees me. Try it and see what happens.

This morning I presented my model of the relationship process to my students. Each time I have the opportunity to discuss and share my research it reminds me of my passion and interest in understanding and working with couples. If you don’t remember my research here is a bit of it:
I looked at couples who self-identified as being part of a healthy relationship. I had them describe their experience and tried to find pieces that could fit together to develop a model to explain their relationship. What I found was that these couples each had perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. These perceptions influenced the type of expectations they had for themselves, their partner and the relationship. For example, if one person had a perception that their spouse was a caring person, they they held an expectation that their spouse would care for them when needed. These perceptions and expectations influence how they interact. Continuing the example, “if I see my spouse as a caring person, I will expect him/her to be there for me when I need to be cared for. Because I expect them to be there, I go towards them when I need something.” If the interaction meets the expectation, then it confirms the perception and the cycle repeats itself.
I use this with most of my couples that I see in my counseling practice. As they pinpoint their perceptions of their spouse/partner they can almost always predict their expectations and interactions.
If you find that someone is angry all the time (interaction) what perception and expectations are behind that anger? Often I have found that angry people see their partner in a negative light (selfish, uncaring, mean, scary) and expect negative things (only take care of self, uninterested, unavailable, hurtful) and the anger is often a protest or protection against the perception and expected behavior.
It may be helpful for each of us to take inventory of our perceptions of our spouse, ourself, and our relationship. How you see the other person comes out in each interaction. The key is to understand your relationship process, be in control of it, and work to change it if it isn’t working for you.

With each new season I seem to look back at the last one and say, “life is going to fast,” or “I work too much.” Well lately I’ve felt that again as we count down the final days of the school year. Tonight I’m teaching my final summer school class until July and the kids have less than two weeks until summer. Yesterday we attended a final school party for Maci and Cooper, which means the end is really near.
Right now we have several people who are dear to us who are struggling with health issues and it makes me think about what I deem most important in my life. My kids might say it is my job because of the countless hours I seem to spend working. I’m always picking up a new client, an additional class, or a new workshop. I love what I do, but it isn’t what matters most.
My kids might say it is sports - watching football in the fall, ultimate frisbee on Saturday mornings, golf clubs in the trunk of my car waiting to be played, or the occasional mountain bike ride. I do love to recreate, but they are not what matters most.
After all of that, my kids would then have to say what matters most must be food related -bbq (ribs, pulled pork, something smoked), out to eat, Thai food, homemade David’s Pizza, etc. They know I’m always in the kitchen looking for something fun to make. Nope, not what matters most.
Then they would get it right - family; doing activities; being together. This is what matters most - the people in my life! Relationships are maintained and built by the exchanges we have together. Relationships are strengthened by sharing ourselves with those around us. Relationships are strengthened knowing we are there for the special moments. I know we cannot always be there for one another, so the challenge is to enjoy the moments when we can be there. I hope your summer plans are focused on creating moments with those who matter most.

Yesterday I was asked to speak to a group up in north Spokane and I spoke about strengthening marriage. Here are some highlights of what I shared.
I believe we all operate in patterns. No single event ‘just’ happens; events are connected. In marriage we develop patterns from the time we first date and they continue and develop as life changes. These patterns can seem to operate on auto-pilot and often we don’t even think about them. I broke these patterns into 2 basic cycles - one turnings us toward our spouse and the other turning us away.
For the pattern that leads away from one another I pulled on the ‘6 Destructive Ds’ that was shared a year ago by a leader in my church (Kevin Pearson, April 2009). He applied these Ds to ones faith, but I believe they fit well within one’s marriage. They go like this: We may begin to have doubts in our marriage. Doubt can come from fear or a lack of belief in one’s ability. We may doubt that we are important or that we are appreciated by one another. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Over time discouragement can lead to distraction. We can lose focus or shift priorities. When we are distracted, we often have a lack of diligence in our marriage.  These four Ds can take hold of our marriage and we can spin in this cycle for weeks, months or even years. If this pattern is not corrected it can lead to the other 2 destructive Ds - disobedience and disbelief. Here we break commitments and covenants and eventually begin to lose belief that the marriage can be saved.
Compare this to what I called the ‘6 Affectionate As’. These are 6 tools every marriage needs in order to create a pattern where we turn towards one another. First, we need to be accessible. Each spouse needs to know they can call upon the other in times of need. Next, we need to be attentive. It isn’t good enough to know we can reach the other, we need to know they will respond. When we are attentive, we cue into the other’s needs and how we can be emotionally responsive. As we work to do these things, we need to become actively engaged. Marriage (and each person) need constant, consitent nurturing. Being actively engaged is a commitment to do little things with one another to keep connected. Recreation is one great way to do this - be active with one another. Couples need to develop a pattern of appreciation. Do you notice the 9 things that were picked out, or the one that was left out? We need to have an attitude of appreciation where we look for the positive and pay tribute to the skills, gifts, and attributes each brings to the relationship. Next, couples need to love with affection. It is not enough to be ‘good friends’ or associates. Each spouse longs to be loved and to feel affection from the other. Learn to love in a language that the other can understand. Finally, we need to apply the atonement. No spouse is perfect, so we need to learn to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continuously work to create a place of softness where one is not judged for the mistakes they make, but rather the repairs they attempt.
There you have it (sorry for the length). Stay away from the 6 Destructive Ds and develop the 6 Affectionate As. Think about it this way…would you rather have a report card of straight Ds or straight As???

I been reading parts of Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and thought I would share a few points that seem to stand out. On page 255 she writes, “In my office, more emotionally distant partners sometimes tell me, “I do all kinds of things to show I care. I mow the lawn, bring in a good salary, solve problems, and I don’t play around. Why is it that, in the end, these things don’t seem to matter, and all that counts with my wife is that we don’t talk about emotional stuff and cuddle.” Sue’s response is this “we need someone to pay real attention, to hold us tight, to come very close sometimes and respond to us in an emotional way that moves us, connects with us. Nothing compares with that.”
I seem to be seeing this a lot lately - people trying to love one another without being emotional close. I love Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, yet struggle with what may be the most important ways to be loved. Take Chapman’s language of service for example. Here we love someone by serving them. For awhile this was true in my relationship - if I wanted to show Cami I loved her, I would start cleaning the house. This is great, but it doesn’t address the closeness that Sue spoke about above.
It is great if I can love you without being in the same room with you—but that might also be the problem –it is only safe to love you when I’m not in the room with you. When we speak about emotional closeness, we speak about openness and being vulnerable with one another. If I’m serving you and you’re not home, then I don’t have to be vunerable and you don’t have to be vulnerable. There is love, yet according to EFT, there is a lack of depth to that love. I hope you can see the point I’m trying to address because I’ve seen quite a few couples who have settled for what I could call ‘distant love’ or ’safety from a distance.’ True emotional closeness comes when I can stand next to you or be in your arms. When we can be close enough to allow the other to see into our mind, our thoughts, and our desires. Its hard to connect when you both stand on other sides of the same wall.

I received an email recently from someone who attended one of my workshops on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She commented how, as a relationship counselor, she has seen a whole new level of success as she employed this new method of therapy as compared to her old model. When asked what the difference was, she mentioned some of the core principles of attachment such as safe haven (buffer from the storm), wanting to know that our partner/spouse will be there for us when we need them, and the concept that when one person goes vulnerable the key is to help the other person either respond with compassion or go vulnerable themself.

Whenever I start talking about going vulnerable, people start asking why? Why do I need to be vulnerable and why does my vulnerablity need to be with emotions? Well I have this great quote on my computer in my office that states: emotion has ‘control precedence’ so it is the focus in creating change. Our emotions tell us what is important. Our emotions tell us what we need. Our emotions move us to action.
Research now tells us that we actually can’t suppress our emotions. By the time our brain reads the emotional signal and then tries to cover it up, our body has already given an emotional response. Even if we try to suppress our emotion, it either comes out in another way or we move to a total shut down.
When we shut down our emotions or try to not go vulnerable, people around us struggle to know what we need. People are constantly reading other people. When we don’t share how we really feel, people get mixed signals about what is going on with us and what we need. It is difficult to be accessible and emotionally responsive to a spouse who is open and vulnerable. It is near impossible to be those things to one who acts as if she doesn’t feel anything.
In your own life, I hope you are finding success when you go vulnerable. Are you finding people respond well to you when you share with them who you really are and how you really feel? It may take time and it may take practice. When you go vulnerable, it invites them to become vulnerable with you. This is where real connections can take place.