We recently returned from Cami’s grandma’s funeral and with that trip has come a lot of deep thoughts about life.

Throw Father’s Day into that and it all adds up to moments of deep reflection about the type of life I want to live. I heard a saying years ago that asked “do you live to work or do you work to live?” I believe I work to live, yet there are stretches in my schedule where some may think I simply live to work. So I want each of us to take some time to think about our living legacy…what does our current life say about who we are and how we live(d) our life.
For Father’s Day each of the kids wrote me a short letter thanking me for being their father. In each note were a handful a statements about what they liked about me, what they want from me, and what they enjoy doing with me. Some were obvious like Cooper saying he appreciates me making lots of money and he would hope that I would give it all to him. Others were based on recent activities like Beaudry saying he enjoys going mountain biking with me. Yet a few really spoke to what I hope is my living legacy with my kids. They spoke of the time we spend together, the ideas I share with them, and the coaching I do on the side. More than being a hard worker, I want my kids to know I valued our time together and that I valued them.
Lately we’ve been consumed with house projects…I think each kid now has a new bed, new bedroom feel, and a few new places to store things. With all of this I tried to highlight that my bedroom hasn’t been updated since we were married and probably won’t be in any near future (by choice). I wanted my kids to see that I valued their experience more than my own. I’m not sure they care too much about that at this point, but it seems important for them to know that from me.
What else is important to you and how you live your life? When it comes to our legacy I don’t believe it is about having the right one, or if our’s is wrong…it is about fit. Does your life represent who you are and how you want to live? Does your focus represent what you value and what brings you joy, satisfaction, and lasting security? I sure hope so.

For some Mother’s Day is a difficult time. For some holiday’s are a difficult time. When life isn’t going the way you want or when relationships are not what you had hoped, adding a holiday to your load can be too much. I find so many couples struggle around Valentine’s Day, and some mothers struggle around Mother’s Day. I’m sorry if life isn’t going your way. I’m sorry if, for some reason, your relationships are not as close as you had hoped. It can be devastating when someone in our life is not where we think they should be.
Alfred Adler is a famous theorist in the counseling and psychology profession. One of his principles was the fact that he didn’t see people as broken or sick, he saw them as discouraged. You see, he believed that whenever one’s reality did not meet one’s expectations, they became discouraged. I see this all the time and believe it to be true. So for some, the reality of Mother’s Day won’t meet their expectations and discouragment sets in.
My question is this: How does one find happiness when they are down? If I had the exact answer I’d be rich! I think, in some ways, this is a personal and unique question with many different answers. I also believe that many people have found ways to find happiness in times of darkness. Here a just a couple of suggestions for you to try:
*Start looking for the good. Do you find yourself looking around and scanning the environment for what is working and what is good, or do you look for what is broken and what is bad? Gottman’s research says there is a vast difference in people who train themselves to look for the good. Yes I said ‘TRAIN.’ You can train your dragon!
*Count your blessings. Similar concept as above, but it may also include looking into the past for what is good. When we are down and discouraged, it can be hard to find the good in the present. If you scan your area and can’t see any good, look behind you and find good along the way.
*Laugh! Laugh until your laugh becomes real. I’m not a fan of ‘fake it until you make it,’ because I believe too many of us fake things too often. This is finding something to laugh at and then laughing until the chemicals in your brain kick in and they start producing real laughter.
*Find someone who cares. Even when our most important relationships struggle, I hope we have someone we can turn to. Isn’t that what makes mom’s so great. Turn to your mom and if you can’t, find another because she’ll love you like moms know how.
When we are down what we usually want it comfort. When we are down what we usually want is acknowledgment. When we are down what we usually want is to be up. Find someone who will acknowledge your pain, offer you comfort and lift you UP!

Let me start off with a bunch of facts -
*Everyone needs a secure bond with another. This bond offers us a safe haven to go to where we can find comfort and support and a secure base to go out from into the world. This need for connection is wired in.
*The quality of this connection is key to how we develop as human beings and is key to our sense of self and how we engage with others.
*The security of our connection impacts our physical health (immune system and health of our heart) and our mental health (how vulnerable we are to depression and anxiety).
*If we feel emotionally connected, we can be physically alone and separate more easily. As adults, we carry our loved ones in our thoughts, whereas small children need the actual physical presense of the loved one. This ability to carry our connection with us is a source of strength for us.

I could go on and on about the facts of the importance of being emotionally connected, but by now I hope you get the point. When you think about the power of a mother’s touch, it isn’t just how she touches us physically, it is how she touches us emotionally. I know my kids love to be touched by their mother. At almost any given time, one or more of them is trying to find the best position to get ’soft tickles’ and to be seated as close to her as possible. This is key and provides that soothing and comfort of a safe haven. The way she touches them emotionally is the way she builds confidence, offers reassurance, and provides a place to build a positive view of self. This emotional touch can be done through words, service, time, gifts, and even touch. As moms love their children in a language they understand, it sends a strong message that they are loveable and that they deserve to be loved. This touch is the lasting touch that they take with them long after they have outgrown soft tickles and snuggles on the couch.

On Sunday I heard this great story and I’m going to try and share a scaled down version here. My kids will tell you that I’m the wrong kind of doctor, you know, not the kind who can take care of sickness or injuries. I’ll admit that when it comes to health I’m not that educated. But I heard this story that talked about heart transplants and how common they are becoming. One thing that you might not know about a heart transplant is that the body tries to reject the new heart. The doctors have to give just the right amount of medicine to help the body not reject the new organ. Patients have to be closely monitored and they most stay up to date on their medicine balance or at any time the body will win the fight and reject the heart. Well, I guess there are cases when people start feeling better and start thinking they don’t need to take their medicine and they become relaxed in their efforts. In some of these cases all the work they did to get a new heart and then work to help the body accept the heart can be undone in a few days or weeks because of their lack of focus and efforts.
As I heard this story I thought of myself and my own marriage. I also thought of many of my clients. We work so hard to have a ‘change of heart’ and to make a change in our lives and in our relationships. When we find something that works we are very focused on doing it just right and staying very consistent in our efforts. Yet as we find ourselves feeling good over time it can be easy to relax our efforts and to change our focus. If we are not careful we can reject the ‘change of heart’ and return to either our old ways or perhaps new ways of struggling.
I have seen this time and time again where a couple will come in and do tough work to correct things in their marriage. They will feel wonderful and then leave and move on with their lives. Sometimes I get a call a few weeks or months later and it is the couple stating they are struggling again. It isn’t always the case, but quite often they are struggling because they stopped doing what we worked on in counseling. Because they didn’t stay focused on the change, it was as if their relationship rejected the new pattern and returned to the old. Let’s all be aware of what we can do to hold on to change.

Often I am asked about how I would help someone deal with issues around perfectionism. There are a lot of people who fear not being perfect. Instead of seeing the stacks of evidence that are proof they are good, they see the one stack of evidence that proves they are not. They can see the weaknesses and mis-steps in almost everything. They may struggle with projects and relationships because they want everything to be perfect. Recently I was trying to help someone look at this issue from a couple of points of view. The question kept coming up, “how do I deal with my fear of not being perfect?”
This afternoon the answer hit me. The question about one’s fear of not being perfect is like someone asking what they should do if they are afraid of water while they are already in the swimming pool. To me it isn’t so much that you are afraid of water, you have been swimming in it for quite some time, and more than likely you’ll stay swimming in it for the near future. Are you really afraid of water? I think there is a deeper question we are asking…maybe it is “I’m afraid of drowning.”

So when I hear someone ask about their fear of not being perfect, I think…you’re already not perfect. You haven’t been perfect up to this point and most likely you won’t be perfect in the near future. Often we are afraid of something that hasn’t yet happened, and in this case, your lack of perfection has already happened. What we are really afraid of is what it means to not be perfect. For some it might be that they are afraid of failing, of not being good enough, or even not knowing who they are.
The need to be perfect is really a trap. As long as I’m not perfect I can be justified in shutting down or even quitting because I know I can’t reach my ultimate goal of perfectionism. If I can’t be perfect, why try? There are many answers here and I’ll just give three:
* One is learning to like yourself on the road to perfection. We need to learn to like us as we are so that we have the motivation and courage to face the challenges between us and perfectionism.
*If you were my client, I would ask you to find times when you were perfect and then look at how you celebrated those moments. Most likely you didn’t celebrate because you some how discounted that perfect moment because you’re waiting for everything to be perfect. Can we have perfect moments…some of us do everyday.
*Third option, define perfectionism so you know what you are working towards. Most know when they are not perfect, yet struggle to know what perfection looks likes. If you don’t know where you are going, how will you know when you get there?

Last night we finished reading “My Side of the Mountain,” my favorite book from my childhood. The main character, Sam, ran away from the city to live in the mountains. He ran away for several reasons…felt lost in his family because there were so many kids, didn’t like the craziness of the big city, and he always heard stories of his great grandfather and how he lived off the land. Just as I finished reading the last page, Beaudry yelled out, “That is not a good ending. For such a good story that is not a good ending.” Basically, in the story Sam’s mother decided if he wasn’t coming home, then she would bring home to him. The entire family moved to the woods to live with him…which says something about family and mothers, but it wasn’t at all the way Beaudry thought this exotic adventure should end.
Do you have times in your life when you find yourself saying, “this is not a good ending” when it comes to an event or period of your life? Sure we have certain circumstances or ending that our out of control, but we always have the ability to choose our own ending. I had a football coach who always preached, “Life isn’t about what happens, it is about how you react.” One key in life that is so very, very true is our ability to choose. Even when we let others choose for us, we choose to give up our choice. Choices are a basic part of life.
When it comes to end of any chapter of our life, I hope we find ways to choose the ending we want. How can you see it differently and find the good in the experience? How can you rewrite the script to help other characters come together for a happy ending?
Last night, after Beaudry made it clear that it wasn’t a good ending, we each took turns telling our own end to this childhood story. Beaudry and Braunson each had a version where Sam continued to live on his own, enjoying the wilderness, the animals, and a few visitors from the city. I thought he would finally decide life at home wasn’t so bad and head back. I guess in my own childhood world in a house filled with kids I always longed to be home.

For many of us this is a time of change….kids back to school, new schedules, and even a change in our attitudes. Some love the transition from summer to fall, while others try to hold on to everything that reminds them of summer. As you make this change, whether you enjoy it or not, I thought I would offer a few keys to make this transition a different one.
For some, transitions are difficult. Many people enjoy a schedule and struggle to change it once they find something that works. I have often heard people say that their approach to change is to ‘just get through it,’ and then they work on establishing the schedule they want. A key to success might be to do the opposite. Rather than ‘just getting through’ the transition, try to use this time as a time to create new habits and insert pieces of your life that you have been missing. If you wait until after you’ve made it through the transition, the new schedule will be set by default and now you will have to change the schedule to insert additional pieces. I know this might sound strange, but one of the best times to make a change in life is during a time of transition. When several things are changing, it can be easier to add or subtract activities from our daily routine.
A second key to change in a time of transition is being thoughtful in what changes we would like to make. I prefer to have a vision or picture of what I want and where I want to go and then I use that picture as a guide in my transition. Be thoughtful as you go through this time of change and think about you and your relationships. What do you want to keep and what would you like to change?
Here’s to holding on to summer….tomorrow I start my new job and I’ll be ready to embrace change. For today…I’m holding on to summer.

So many of us always feel so busy and that we are always running from one thing to the next. Every now and again I have to stop and ask myself, who is setting the pace in my life? Do you ever feel that you are just along for the ride and your only hope is to hold on and survive? Have you managed to gain control and set your own pace and find control in your life?
Cami and I are using my summer schedule to be work out partners. It has been fun to exercise together and try to motivate each other. Yesterday we were running laps around an indoor track and we took turns leading. We started discussing our running pace and I told her that I was just trying to keep up with her. She informed me that I was leading half of the time, and I said that I was still trying to keep up. Even when I was leading, I was trying to set a pace that I thought she wanted. I found out that she was happy with any pace I set, but I was keeping a pace based on my assumption of what she expected.
This process occurs often in relationships and life…we set our own pace based on what we think others expect. By the end of the night I was feeling a little sick and couldn’t finish the work out because I had pushed myself too hard. I emphasize, ‘I had pushed myself too hard’ because that is what happened and this is what often happens in our lives. We can find ourselves exhausted, burned out, or discouraged because we are not keeping up with the expectations . If we find ourselves in those moments, we need to examine those expectations and decide who is setting the expectations. We need to learn to set realistic expectations for ourselves and be our own leader, rather than setting our pace based on others. The better we know ourselves, the more realistic the expectations. Remember success builds and we want expectations that we can meet so that we can will build our self-worth and self-image. Tonight I think I’ll work on setting my own pace!

Cami is joining me on a weekend get-a-way to Coeur d’Alene. I know it’s not far from home, but it is without kids!!! I’m teaching a two-day class on family counseling and Cami…well, she is getting some deserved time to herself. So here are my quick thoughts about happiness for today and this weekend, enjoy!

Loving families are the basis of a humane society. Understanding our longing for love and how love works is crucial if we want to shape a world that allows those longings to be answered and reflects the best of our nature. A human being longs for, is wired for, connection with others. Better relationships between love partners are not just a personal preference, they are a social good. Better love relationships mean better families. And better, more loving families mean better, more responsive communities. We have known for decades that happy families start with happy relationship between partners.  All great statements from Sue’s book. I would add that happy starts with you, just as my happiness starts with me. Happiness is knowing who I am and knowing that I have value. When I’m honest with myself and I keep my word with myself, my value grows. As I believe in myself more, I am a happier person. The cycle starts with me. When I work on myself and build up myself I can be happy. I then share my happiness with my spouse in the way I am accessible and responsive and together we share this happiness with we our children and others. Just like the simple songs tells us….don’t worry, be happy!

What is it about you that makes you who you are? If I were to ask people who know you, how would they describe your personality, your character, or your belief system? Have you ever taken the time to understand what people see in you? We probably all have stories where someone said they saw something in us that we hadn’t seen before. I think it is so fun when I’m around someone and they gain new insight into who they are or how they come across to others.
There is a new friend in my life who I’ve only known for a month and yet several times he has told me about the impact I’m having on him. Just this evening I was out visiting some people with him and when we came home he mentioned how he is finding himself thinking about the smallest things that I say or do….kind of scary, yet kind of fun. We had him over for dinner one evening and a week later he said he had never been around a family like ours…don’t know if that is a good thing, but it had an impact on him. As he has shared his impressions of my family and what he sees in me, it has offerred me an opportunity to gain insight into the way others view me.
One way of understanding ourselves is to think of us as having different areas that make up who we are. There is a public self, which is the part of us that we are aware of and that we share with others. There is a hidden or private self. This is the area of our lives that we know about, but we keep private from other people. The third part of us is the part that we don’t really see or know about, yet others see it. This can be called our blind self. For some people these three areas are very different…some have very little hidden while some are very private. Some have great insight into what others see in them, while others haven’t received much feedback about the way they come across. I would encourage you to look into these areas and ask what parts you keep private and what parts you feel safe to share. If you know someone who would be honest with you, ask them for feedback about how they see you and see if you can find out something new.

Here is the private life of Cooper…the silly happy boy that most people don’t get to see.  His public life is reserved and shy, yet we see his blind self; as being a boy who has taught us about unconditional love and a desire to be good.