Often when I write I try to give you a little fact, a little story, and a little encouragement. Sometimes I give you a lot of facts or just the story. I hope you don’t mind me including bits of my life as I try to relate the importance of being emotionally connected…I believe we live and learn through stories.
So last night at 8:57 my family was at Silverwood Theme Park north of Coeur d’Alene, ID. We had ventured to the park on a cold (55 degree) and rainy day. We had the park to ourselves and found ourselves sprinting through the park because of the lack of lines. My kids went on the roller coasters more times than we could count. I went on more spinning ride than I care to count.
Now at 8:57 we were on our last ride of the night - my family has a history of shutting down any park we attend. We ended the night with the ride Panic Plunge - one that takes you straight up and then drops you straight down. Out of all the rides in the park, to me it is the scariest. I have had a fear of heights since I was a kid and that fear is really about falling. So here I am facing my fear over and over again. Maci and I went on it at least 6 times before the rest of the family met us for an addition 4 rides.
Ride #10 was my attachment moment. This ride is Cami’s favorite and my least favorite. Each time we go she asks me to hold hands…I say no, and we proceed. In the ‘no’ is a turning away from her and making it my own, individual ride. A ride where I yell ‘like a girl’ as soon as the ride begins to drop and I don’t stop yelling until it ends.
Well last night at 8:57 she asked for the third time that day and this time I said yes. I held her hand and didn’t let go. I still yelled like a girl and she laughed at me the entire time. You see, it meant something to me to know that we could have the experience together - me yelling, her laughing, both falling, and all doing it together.
This morning that last ride has stayed with me because I realized how much she has asked me to hold on to her in life and how easy it could be for me to turn away and experience my own ride. In that moment we did it together. I survived, I enjoyed it, and I’m still afraid of falling. Will I ride it again next year? Yes. Will I hold her hand next year? I hope so.

Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby and it explains our need for connections with others. There are many pieces of attachment that guide how I view my own relationship with my wife and children, and it guides how I work with couples. Attachment theory states the importance of being emotional close to those in our life and the benefits this closeness brings. One piece of this theoy states that seeking proximity to our attachment figure is a primary motivator in our lives. Check out this video about a an elephant and how it attached to something special. Click on image to start video.
 
                                                                         

Sorry I’ve been away. Vacation, teaching, and a move all took me a way. Life has been good and I hope your summer is ending strong. As I’ve introduced myself to new people and they find out I’m a marriage counselor, I’ve been asked a range of questions about relationships. One question I was asked was to give three simple things that someone could do right then to make them a better husband. I of course told them to be more accessible and responsive - this is what Attachment theory tells us is the key to a secure connection. The group didn’t seem to jump with excitement about my answer so I thought maybe it wasn’t clear enough. To answer that question again, here are three simple things that any of us could do today to make us a better husband or wife.

1. Make time in our schedule to devote all our time and focus to our spouse. Clear our schedule, clear our mind, and turn off distractions that might change our focus. Work to put down walls, remove barriers, and tune out distractions to be avaiable for our spouse. Give yourself (at least your attention) to your spouse.

2. Once you are there, listen. Don’t jump to problem solving and don’t change the subject. Listen to them and their story. As you listen work to respond to their experience more than the events of the story. Think about how she/he felt - are they excited, scared, happy? Focus on the meaning of the story - why is this story/event important and how does it impact this person?

3. Now that you’ve listened, share your care. Make sure that before you leave this moment, your wife or husband knows how much you love, appreciate, respect, admire, adore, and care about them. Make sure they feel loved in a manner that speaks to them.

 To know someone is to understand them. To know them, we must first be accessible and then responsive. We must leave our spouse with a feeling that they matter in our mind and that we carry with us a feeling of love and care for them.

 Now I feel much better about my answer.

Continuing my review of attachment theory, I must bring up two of my most common principles of attachment…accessibility and emotional responsiveness. Attachment theory is all about the bond between two people. The goal is to establish security in our life from the type of emotional connection in our relationship. When we see security as our number one goal, the question becomes - “How do you build a secure relationship?” The answer is found in building a relationship where each person (parent and child or husband and wife) are both accessible and emotionally responsive to one another.
The key to accessbility is that you can truly reach, connect, touch, or access the other person. You can be physically present and emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable. I hear this often where one person will say, “I wasn’t unavailable. I may have been on the computer or watching t.v., but I could still connect with you.” We all have a number of things that can become barriers to our level of accessiblity. Emotional availablity and the trust that this engagement is going to be there is most important. Think about parenting, often it isn’t the amazing conversation that makes the difference, it’s the fact that the child knows their parent is home or available when needed.
The second key to security is being responsive. This is where one person accesses the other and the second person responds to the bid for connection. When there is no response a message is sent that says, “your signal doesn’t matter to me” and there is no connection. Time and time again I’ve worked with couples where the lack of a response defined partners as ‘unloving,’ ‘distant,’ ‘dis-engaged,’ or ‘unsafe.’ If you think about how crucial it is to have a response from those who matter most, it is easy to understand how any response, even anger, is better than nothing. In response to the anger in a relationship, I’ve had people say, “they wouldn’t be angry if they didn’t care.” Hopefully you are working to develop better ways of responding to those who need you to be responsive.
What happens when both partners are accessible and emotionally responsive: the relationship is framed as a place of security where you know the other cares and will be there for you when you need them. You are more likely to access the other when you need comfort, support, or connection. You have a belief that the other will respond in a positive manner and you bid for a connection in a more positive manner.

Part of the theory behind emotionally married is Attachment Theory. John Bowlby began writing about this need for connection back in the 1950’s. He believed and studied the idea that seeking and maintaining contact with significant others was an innate and primary motivating force.  Attachment theory states that we all need other people and this relationship or ‘attachment bond’ is one of the most important pieces to life. Research in this area has proven that we are all dependent, even if our modern society would rather paint a picture of independence as the sought after image. We all need other people to help us get through life.
It is these emotional connections that change every aspect of any given day. From the smallest moments like waking up in the morning and knowing that you matter in someone else’s mind to a moment of complete fear where your parent, friend, or lover holds you and strokes your hair…who we are with and how we are connected makes all the difference.
Over the next week or so I am going to give us all an overview of attachment theory and some of the key principles that can help us achieve this close connection and become emotionally married.
To begin think about this: The more securely attached you are the more separate and different you can be. Healthy relationships represent this interdependent balance between relying on others to help meet your needs and being self-reliant.

We all face dragons in our lives. These dragons look different for each of us and come in all shapes and sizes. These dragons are the things in life that cause us anxiety, fear, and potential hurt. It is hard to avoid dragons and often they appear when we least expect it. There are different beliefs about how to face your challenges and how to beat the dragons in life, and from a relationship stand point the key isn’t just about winning the fight it is knowing you are not fighting alone. There is great strength in knowing you have the comfort, support, and aid of others in times of need. Just knowing that our attachment figure, or key emotional support, is accessible and emotional responsive during times of need can bring comfort. The antidote to fear and anxiety is emotional closeness to those who can provide us our safe haven and secure base.
Preslie’s water toy may not look like a mean dragon, but she called it her ‘aligator’ all weekend. She wrestled that thing each time we were at the lake and there were a few times when the aligator won and Preslie found herself under water. She would jump up, looking a little shocked, and then quickly turn to see if Cami or I were there to rescue her. The first flip was the biggest surprise and it took the most comforting, but when she realized that she was okay, she climbed back on her aligator (or dragon) and continued the fight. Eventually she won and was able to enjoy and play and even float on her aligator.
We all seek closeness from others and when we face fears in our life we have a natural alarm system that encourages us to reach out and find comfort in others. If our spouse or parent is unavailable our anxiety will most likely increase and if we know we can access their support our anxiety will decrease. A key in this support seeking is building the emotional closeness in the times without the dragons so our relationship is prepared to face the dragons together when they do appear.

As you read my writings about relationships you have seen that I don’t write about all the problems in life and in relationships. I do admit that they are there, and I try to focus on the positive and the strength that we can find in ourselves and in our relationships. The reality is that many of us have been hurt and experienced loss in our lives. Many have experienced some form of trauma, either as a child or somewhere in their life. We have all experienced the isolation and pain that comes from shock, sorrow, and the questioning of why. Trauma changes us and we have a trauma response that says, “NEVER AGAIN.” We can lose sight of who we are and what brings peace, happiness and security. The answer to our healing can come from several places. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who loves, cares, and offers us healing power. Our relationships are another powerful place to find refuge and care. Whether or not our spouse was in our lives during the time of trauma, they can be a great source of peace and support. As we build a relationship with the foundation being a safe haven and a secure base, we can find the keys to rebuilding security in ourselves and in our relationships.
As you know I have a great respect for the writings and knowledge of Sue Johnson. She has offered us a new way of working with trauma….and it works! In her book she writes, “We need our partner to be a safe haven and also a true witness to our pain, to assure us we are not to blame for what happened and that we are not weak for being helpless and overwhelmed. A secure love relationship acts as a protective shield when we face monsters and dragons and helps us heal after the dragon has gone.”
When I was a child I had a pattern of sleep walking. My parents tell stories of me not only walking around the house but a few times actually running to get away from the monsters in my dreams. I don’t remember the running, but I do remember a dream I had quite often. I fell off my parent’s back steps and cracked open my head when I was young and I think it played a factor in being afraid of heights. In my dream, I was always falling off some high place. I would fall and some what fly almost hitting certain objects, floating under bridges, etc. When I would hit the ground I would always wake up and be in my mom’s bed. I would cuddle with her and receive comfort knowing that I was going to be okay. She was my protective shield.

I have always been taught to serve others and know that our lives are better when we give and help others. I don’t know about you, but sometimes this is a struggle for me. I know I should do it and I want to, yet there are times when I feel I’m the one who needs the help or I don’t feel like I have much to give. Where can we find the strength to put ourselves in a position to serve others? Quoting again from Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson states, “When lovers are united in a strong and secure bond, it does more than enhance their connection to each other. The circle of loving responsiveness widens like the ripple from a stone dropped in a pool. Being in a loving relationship augments our caring and compassion for others, in our family and in our community.” Later she rights, “When we don’t have to worry about safety with our loved ones, we naturally have more energy to give to others. We see others more positively and are more willing to emotionally engage with them. Feeling loved and secure makes us kinder and more tolerant people.”
These two statements speak to the core of emotionally married. I believe that the more secure we feel in our loving relationships, the better people we become. If we want to change our family or change or community, we need to first start with our marriage. I know in my own family that I’m a much better parent when I feel close to Cami. When I don’t feel secure it is more difficult to be patient and caring with my kids. The way we feel in our key relationships impacts not only the way we act, but the way we feel about ourselves. From attachment theory we have one of my favorite statements about self worth. Attachment theory believes that self worth is knowing that you matter in someone else’s mind. Wow! Everytime I think about the impact of that statement I can see image after image of how that is true. Build the emotional connection between you and your spouse and it will build your self worth. As you feel better about yourself, you will find greater compassion and greater concern for those around you.

I made a quick trip to Calgary this weekend to teach a marriage and family counseling course. It was cold and rainy, yet the students were great. While I traveled I spent some of that time reading more of Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight. Each time I read it I get so excited because it is filled with powerful knowledge. What we know about relationships and the power of building security in relationships is amazing. I wonder if we really get how important this is? Here are some highlights from her text that I find amazing:
Loving connection provides the dependable web of intimacy that allows us to cope with life and to live life well. And that is what gives our life its meaning. Instinctively, we know that those who grasp the imperatives of attachment live better lives. Yet our culture encourages us to compete rather than connect. Even though we are programmed by millions of years of evolution to relentlessly seek out belonging and intimate connection, we persist in defining healthy people as those who do not need others.
To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translaste them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. Above all, we have to recognize and accept the primal code of attachment rather than attempting to dismiss and bypass it.
To shape love, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically.
There is so much more and I’ll share throughout the week. We are approaching our 100th post this week. I can’t believe it. I enjoy writing and sharing and it has been so good for my relationships. Writing and then re-reading the different posts helps remind me what is important. I’m curious what this is doing for you? Have you seen a difference in the way you think, the way you act, or the way you live your life? Are your relationships any different? Please post and share so others can learn as well.
Love is an amazing thing. The more I learn, the more I realize the importance of being emotionally married. Emotionally married focuses on the emotional connection between us and the power we have when we feel secure. The emotional security we have in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we feel about our key relationships shapes our lives.

When I think about security in our relationships, I think about two of the key principles of Attachment Theory. Attachment Theory focuses on the emotional bond between two people and specifically between the parent-child and husband-wife relationships. The key to security is maintaining a positive emotional connection between two people and knowing that we can access our attachment figure when we feel threatened. The keys to security are coined in the terms safe haven and secure base. We need to view our marriage as a safe haven or refuge from the storm. Our relationship needs to serve as a buffer to the stress of life and offer us a break from the challenges we face. I think of it as a place where we can escape and find everything to be okay. The second key is to view our relationship as a secure base, or the foundation that gives us footing as we face the challenges of life. Knowing we have the support and trust of our spouse gives us added courage and strength to face the stresses in life.
Secure relationships are ones where both partners see their relationship and their partner as a safe haven and a secure base. These two key pieces may look differently for each person, but they are essential to building quality relationships. When we know we have a safe place to escape to, we are more likely to stay and face the dragons in our lives. We know we can battle because we have a place to receive rest once we are finished. When we know we have a secure base we have the courage to take an added risk or try something that challenges us to step out of our comfort zone because we know we are not doing this alone. The key is security and the goal is to develop relationships where our spouse is our safe haven and secure base.
I know I’ve discussed this topic several times and I know I’ll discuss it again. It is that important that I’ll mention it over and over again because we (I) need reminders of what we (I) need and what we (I) need to work on. As we figure out what we need in our relationships to help us feel secure, we can begin to work to develop it.