Emotionally Married

An Attachment Moment

admin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:38:50 +0000

Often when I write I try to give you a little fact, a little story, and a little encouragement. Sometimes I give you a lot of facts or just the story. I hope you don’t mind me including bits of my life as I try to relate the importance of being emotionally connected…I believe we live and learn through stories.
So last night at 8:57 my family was at Silverwood Theme Park north of Coeur d’Alene, ID. We had ventured to the park on a cold (55 degree) and rainy day. We had the park to ourselves and found ourselves sprinting through the park because of the lack of lines. My kids went on the roller coasters more times than we could count. I went on more spinning ride than I care to count.
Now at 8:57 we were on our last ride of the night - my family has a history of shutting down any park we attend. We ended the night with the ride Panic Plunge - one that takes you straight up and then drops you straight down. Out of all the rides in the park, to me it is the scariest. I have had a fear of heights since I was a kid and that fear is really about falling. So here I am facing my fear over and over again. Maci and I went on it at least 6 times before the rest of the family met us for an addition 4 rides.
Ride #10 was my attachment moment. This ride is Cami’s favorite and my least favorite. Each time we go she asks me to hold hands…I say no, and we proceed. In the ‘no’ is a turning away from her and making it my own, individual ride. A ride where I yell ‘like a girl’ as soon as the ride begins to drop and I don’t stop yelling until it ends.
Well last night at 8:57 she asked for the third time that day and this time I said yes. I held her hand and didn’t let go. I still yelled like a girl and she laughed at me the entire time. You see, it meant something to me to know that we could have the experience together - me yelling, her laughing, both falling, and all doing it together.
This morning that last ride has stayed with me because I realized how much she has asked me to hold on to her in life and how easy it could be for me to turn away and experience my own ride. In that moment we did it together. I survived, I enjoyed it, and I’m still afraid of falling. Will I ride it again next year? Yes. Will I hold her hand next year? I hope so.

An Example of Attachment

admin — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 15:55:31 +0000

Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby and it explains our need for connections with others. There are many pieces of attachment that guide how I view my own relationship with my wife and children, and it guides how I work with couples. Attachment theory states the importance of being emotional close to those in our life and the benefits this closeness brings. One piece of this theoy states that seeking proximity to our attachment figure is a primary motivator in our lives. Check out this video about a an elephant and how it attached to something special. Click on image to start video.

Lessons from our Dog

admin — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 20:09:30 +0000

Many of you might not know that my family has a dog - a five year old shetzu named Dash. We picked him up off of Craig’s List from a single lady who was given him as a graduation present from high school. From his previous owner he apparently learned to love car rides. Whether it is our car or any, he is jumping up at the door trying to claw his way in. The interesting part is that he is just as happy after the ride around the block. He can’t wait to run back up the steps to the house and is clawing his way back home.
Each time I see this, and believe me it happens often, I think about us. Do we long to leave yet love to come home? I know I do. I inherited from my mother a love to ‘get away.’ And like Dash I enjoy coming home.
This last weekend we left Dash in the kennel and headed to Seattle for our final road trip of the summer. Sunday evening when Cami brought him home he came running in the house excited to be home and to see everyone. Later that day I found him sound asleep in front of the t.v. He was asleep as if he hadn’t slept well on the days we were apart. In fact I’m pretty sure he didn’t. You see, he missed the comforts of home and family just as we do. Once he was home he could enjoy his ’safe haven’ and his refuge and retreat into a deep, sound sleep.
I hope we never forget the importance of home and family. We all need this place to find cover and these people to find comfort. Once we feel the safety of our close connections we can finally relax and even sleep!

Reunions & Rituals

admin — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 21:44:12 +0000

This morning I was reading in Sue Johnson’s book ‘Hold Me Tight’ and she discussed the importance of establishing rituals in our relationships. On page 209 she writes, ‘Rituals are an important part of belonging. They are repeated, intentional ceremonies that recognize a special time or connection. Rituals engage us, emotionally and physically, so that we become riveted to the present moment in a positive way.’

Family reunions are rituals - the games we play, the songs we sing, and the stories we tell. There is a coming together that is looked forward to for months and then remembered for months. Within a family reunion there are smaller rituals - the meals, the activities, the camp fire. Each of these moments are used to engage us one to another and to bring us back from the past and help us be happy in the present.

Just as family reunions are planned and coordinated (for some months in advance), families and couples need to plan and coordinate rituals of connection on a daily and weekly basis. How do you goodbye, good night, and hello? How do you spend time during your meals together? Do you have a date night with your spouse or even with your kids?

Sue Johnson writes about a group of clinically depressed monks. After examining this group, researchers found that the group’s depression stemmed from their abandoning a twice-daily ritual of gathering to sing Gregorian changts. They had lost the sense of community and the comfort of singing together in harmony.

I hope you are creating rituals in your relationships - big ones like family reunions, family road trips, and weekend get-a-ways. I hope you have rituals in your relationships - small ones like a walk around the block, a bedtime story, or fun discussions during dinner.

Family Reunions

admin — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 04:25:42 +0000

We just returned from our summer road trip. This year we hit four reunions in two weeks. First off, Cami had a cheer reunion for over ten years worth of cheerleaders from Ricks College (now known as BYU-I). I was amazed at how many could still do standing back tucks. Then we met up with two families and camped at the base of the Grand Tetons in Teton National Park. We camped on Jackson Lake and enjoyed playing in the water with the tetons as our back drop. From there we hit back to back family reunions. I love to see family and I love to see my kids play with their cousins. All these reunions made me ask - why do we do family reunions?

From a relationship stand point, it can be said that relationships exist in the present. Think of the most important relationships in your life. If you are not currently nurturing and building the relationship then it can fade. We hold on to wonderful memories from our past, but relationships need care and time devoted to them in order to stay strong and grow. We have texting and Facebook to keep us connected, but nothing beats spending all day and night with people you love. I don’t know you about your reunions, but at our reunions we sing funny campfire songs, make fools of ourselves as we play silly games, and we enjoy telling stories from the past. One part of our reunions that is always a highlight is the activities. This year we went tubing in Jackson Lake, swimming at Lava Hot Springs, 4-wheeling in Wolverine Canyon, and we spent two days at Lagoon. All of these events provided opportunities for each of my family members to face a some level of fear. I jumped off the high dive, Cooper went on his first roller coaster, Braunson and Beaudry jumped off the first platform at Lava, Maci went on Wicked and Re-Entry in Lagoon, and Preslie…well she is constantly facing her fears.

Reunions are a chance for us to come together, reunite, reconnect, and continue family traditions. One of my favorite sayings is “we need to change our pace and change our focus.” Family reunions provide ample opportunity to do both. Each family has their own traditions. Some celebrate once a year, while others meet together more often. Whatever the frequency, I hope you make it a point to gather with those you love and build memories of being together. This year we came up with another saying that I found my kids repeating several times…maybe it will stick. “You always have room for three things - ice cream, bacon, and family. You can reverse the order if you’d like.”

Marriages and Marathons

admin — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 17:43:01 +0000

It has been just over two months since Cami finished her marathon. Since then she continues to run and probably averages 20 miles a week. After seeing her take off for her last run, I thought it might be good to do another comparison to marriages and marathons.
I thought I would focus more on how they are different than how they are similar. Since Cami’s marathon I think I’ve heard almost anything that takes effort and endurance as something that can be compared to a marathon. Yet, now seeing Cami complete her marathon I have realized how different marriage is to a marathon. Here are just a few ways:
*One of the main differences is in the numbers. Have you ever looked at how many people run a marathon? Several sources list the percentage of Americans running a marathon between .13% to 2%. Compare that to the 95% of Americans who marry. Even with the high divorce rate, some statistics show that even those who divorce seem to be trying it again and again.
With the difference in the percentage of Americans who marry versus those who run a marathon, I can’t help but think that many of us are saying that being married is easier than running a marathon??? This gives me a lot of perspective on how we can approach our (marathon) marriage training, our efforts during the (marathon) marriage, and if we think about marriage as a marathon then maybe we need to focus more on how we finish our race.
*Some marathon runners have the goal to ’just finish’ while others are competing for time, personal bests, or to keep up with their friends. Are our attempts in marriage similar? Some marry and just hope they can stay together to the end. Some people are competing for a certain level of satisfaction or happiness, while others are working to have the best marriage they can attain. Are some married people just keeping up with their friends?
*One final piece about marriages and marathons. Sometimes marathoners hit what they call the wall while running. This can happen during their training runs, and is a very real thing during the race. Sometimes it is a psychological wall where their minds don’t believe they can go on. Sometimes it is a very real physical wall where their bodies begin to shut down and continuing the race seems almost impossible.
Are their walls in marriage - most definately. Some are psychological where it doesn’t seem possible or worth it to continue. There may be times when it appears physically impossible to continue.
Cami hit a wall during her marathon. She wanted to quit. She sent her friends to go on without her. Her kids kept cheering and even with that she wanted to quit. Instead she kept going at a slower pace, trying to find something to get her body running again. As the supportive husband and cheerleader, I can tell you that Cami’s life is 100% different today because she pushed through the wall. The story of her marathon is different. Her self image is different - not just as a runner, but as a person who was faced with adversity. I know we all hit walls in life and in our marriage. My hope is that we push through, find support, and keep running!

Finding your own place in life

admin — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 02:13:04 +0000

I haven’t done a weekend post for quite some time, but I know this next week is going to be busy. I hope you are enjoying summer and all the fun adventures that it offers. The last two weekends, my family has hit the lake. Here in Spokane when you ask someone what they are doing they will say, “going to the lake.” We have so many all around that often you don’t know which one they are heading to. Yesterday we went to Lake Pend Oreille and enjoyed the south end of the lake just south of Sand Point, Idaho.
For Father’s Day this year, Cami and the kids gave me an infatable kayak. It has been so much fun and adds another dimension to our lake trips because we are no longer land locked. We headed out yesterday looking for adventure. We were only at the beach a short time because we spent most of the day paddling around a beautiful place called Buttonhook Bay. We hiked an island, jumped off the docks, and had second thoughts about the tree swing.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because it taught me a simple lesson about one’s place in life. Our camera ran out of batteries so I don’t have a photo. You’ll have to image Cami and I paddling our raft with Preslie in the front. Braunson & Beaudry our 10 year olds are on a tube that is tied to the back of our kayak. Maci and Cooper (both age 7) are also tied to our kayak, floating in a small rubber raft. We must have been quite the sight because I saw several people pointing as we floated by.
As we circled around the island, we were in a magical, beautiful place. Boats were only allowed to go 5 mph (we didn’t have a problem doing that). There were only a handful of boats and most were tied up at the dock. We had the steep, wooded mountains on three sides with the majority of the lake behind us. For a minute here and there we would just stop, float, and enjoy! The lesson was found in comparing our make-shift train of boats to the others in the bay. There were several massive sail boats, a couple double decker boats, and then some nice boats for water skiing. We seemed to be the only ones using man-power to move our boat. At first we felt quite small and out of place with the big boy boats, yet as we played and explored I was more than content to be were I was. My family was together, we were in a beautiful place, and we were enjoying each others company. The size of our boat wasn’t the focus. The manner of our movement wasn’t the focus. We focused on each other - the laughter, the deadend trails on the island, the oversized rope swing that scared me as I gave it the first test-run, and the endless dives and flips off of the dock. In a moment we could have been anywhere because we were together.

What is enough?

admin — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 22:42:50 +0000

One of the biggest complaints I here from both partners is “I’m never good enough” or “what I do is never enough.” We try to please our spouse. We try to love them using their love language. We try to listen. We try, and try, and try….yet often feel it is never enough.
So the other day I was working with a couple and this pattern was being repeated. The wife was discussing how she was frustrated with the lack of attention and affection. As I helped her move away from her frustration (frustration is probably one of the least effective ways to encourage someone to try in a relationship), I helped her realize how hurt she was. In this she then described what she really needed from her husband.
As she stated her needs I could see the list forming in the husbands mind and imaged him saying to himself “If I’m already failing, how in the world will I be able to do all of those things.”
What happened next is the real solution. Rather than running out and ‘doing’ all the things he thought he HAD to do, he shared how overwhelmed he was and the pressure ‘not to fail’ in the relationship. He spoke of his personal fear of failure and how he didn’t want to fail at loving his wife. In this he started to cry because of the pain he has felt for so long as he continually failed to help his wife feel loved and appreciated. In the moment where he began to cry, she began to cry.
You see, the answer to the question of ‘what is enough’ is found in sharing yourself with your spouse. As we share who we are, where we are at, and how we feel - the other one knows us, hears us, and finally sees us.
We all want to be seen and often when someone is asking for more, they really want you to see them. You are enough. You being you and you sharing who you are is enough. Letting someone see the real you, even if you are scared, hurt, or alone…is enough. Once you are seen it is easier to see the other person. When we see one another, we can reach out and comfort. We begin to understand them and they begin to understand us. It is hard to help someone we don’t see.
I know there have been times in my life where my own insecurities have caused me to wonder if I’m ever enough for my wife. I have also experienced the times when I have allowed my wife to see me and I’m always amazed at how eager she is to respond when she finally sees me. Try it and see what happens.

Relationship Process

admin — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:03:06 +0000

This morning I presented my model of the relationship process to my students. Each time I have the opportunity to discuss and share my research it reminds me of my passion and interest in understanding and working with couples. If you don’t remember my research here is a bit of it:
I looked at couples who self-identified as being part of a healthy relationship. I had them describe their experience and tried to find pieces that could fit together to develop a model to explain their relationship. What I found was that these couples each had perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. These perceptions influenced the type of expectations they had for themselves, their partner and the relationship. For example, if one person had a perception that their spouse was a caring person, they they held an expectation that their spouse would care for them when needed. These perceptions and expectations influence how they interact. Continuing the example, “if I see my spouse as a caring person, I will expect him/her to be there for me when I need to be cared for. Because I expect them to be there, I go towards them when I need something.” If the interaction meets the expectation, then it confirms the perception and the cycle repeats itself.
I use this with most of my couples that I see in my counseling practice. As they pinpoint their perceptions of their spouse/partner they can almost always predict their expectations and interactions.
If you find that someone is angry all the time (interaction) what perception and expectations are behind that anger? Often I have found that angry people see their partner in a negative light (selfish, uncaring, mean, scary) and expect negative things (only take care of self, uninterested, unavailable, hurtful) and the anger is often a protest or protection against the perception and expected behavior.
It may be helpful for each of us to take inventory of our perceptions of our spouse, ourself, and our relationship. How you see the other person comes out in each interaction. The key is to understand your relationship process, be in control of it, and work to change it if it isn’t working for you.

What we love about July 4th

admin — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:31:28 +0000

For our family, July 4th represents the best of summer. We alternate between two traditions - camping at Priest Lake or heading to Idaho Falls. This year we are here in I.F. celebrating with a morning parade, family bbq and fireworks. Here are some of reasons our family loves the 4th of July:
*there is nothing better than fireworks set to music (fireworks over the lake at the Hills or dancing to a live DJ at the marina at Priest or being along the river in Idaho Falls).
*parades - our family loves to attend parades (the Lilac parade in Spokane or the parade in Idaho Falls for the 4th).

*being with family - when we go camping it is so fun to be up at the lake for any lenght of time. This year we get to see extended family and attend a bbq at my Grandma Pratt’s place which she has hosted for years. Its a mini-family reunion.
*all day celebrations - it seems like so many holidays are celebrated after work. We love any type that begin in the morning and last all day and even into the night. There is nothing like an all day party!
*finding outfits in red, white and blue. Hey its fun to dress up!

We hope you have a great 4th of July!