During this week we have had plenty of time to reflect on what really matters in life. So much of our day to day is important, yet maybe not as important as bigger things such as relationships, understanding who we are, and finding out how to be happy with life. We have all had what I call our “defining moments” in life…those moments that shape the direction of your course. Hopefully it doesn’t take the loss of a loved one to define our life, yet moments like this definately define. Like any major event in our life, it really isn’t the asking of “why,” it is dealing with what “is.” The “is” is the present, it is us, it is our lives and our relationships. Dealing with those means we work to define who we are and what we want our lives to look like rather than allowing life to choose for us.
A few years ago I was speaking to a group of women and I asked them a question about what mattered most to them. I asked, “what is more important…a clean room or a good relationship with your children?” On the break a few women came up and asked it is was a bad thing that they would choose a clean room over a good relationship with their children. That was a question I couldn’t answer, only they could define what mattered most.
As we begin a new week, we are left with a pondering heart. One that keeps asking…what matters most and how do we make sure we keep that in the front of our lives.
I worked with a great couple who were high school sweethearts who married other people and met up again when they were each in their 60’s. I did pre-marital counseling believe it or not. It was so much fun to see them and work with them. After their wedding I met with them and they were just like newlyweds…touching, laughing, and sitting close. I pointed out what I was seeing and they gave me an answer I’ll never forget. They said, “We know we have something great, and we are going to live like we know it.”
Each of us have something great. Make sure we live like we know it!
Here is Preslie’s version of living in the moment and showing that she knows she has something great…her mother’s lipstick!

Life without emotion is like living in black and white, or even in grey. Feeling our emotions brings color to our stories, to our lives, and to our memories. This past week we did a lot and there were plenty of emotions. We enjoyed an extended trip down south and were able to see and do so much. It was one of those weeks where we learned so many lessons about life, relationships, and what really matters. We had some dear friends lose their son to cancer and we were able to be there and enjoy the week with them. I’m sure I’ll share some of our experiences as we go, but for now I just want to remember the colors of the moment.
                           

We are on a family road trip to Idaho for Easter where we will see family and friends. I think I’ll share something that happened our our way here that can seem small, yet is something that carries a lot of weight in building your relationship.
From Attachment Theory we learn that one of the most important questions in a relationship is “Can I count on your to be there for me when I need you?” How we answer this question influences our perceptions, expectations, and interactions that are the main components of our relationship process. A key in your relationship is capturing the many times when your spouse is there for you. In fact, in life we often don’t focus on the good times or when our spouse is there for us, instead we focus on the times when they are unavailable. When we find that our spouse has been there for us we need to mention this to our spouse and celebrate this no matter how big or small the action.
Yesterday morning as we left on our trip we found ourselves in the middle of a snow storm. To add to it I had a high fever and wasn’t feeling well. We decided to leave anyway as we knew we had a long drive ahead of us. I tried to drive but found myself aching too much so Cami took over. As we headed to the mountain passes Cami realized that she was not enjoying being the driver and was done. I took over and even though it was slow going, we made it. Once we were over the passes Cami mentioned, “you were there for me. It was like you came to the rescue when we needed you.” Now this may seem simple, and in fact is was, but that is how relationships are built or fractured….by very small, everday deeds.
At first I kind of discounted what she was saying because I didn’t see it as anything special, and then I realized this principle. We carried on a conversation about how this small event ended up helping us feel like we can rely on one another when we are in need.
What small deeds does your spouse do for you? How can you show him/her that you appreciate it? What might be the impact if you were to point out the times when your spouse is there for you, rather than pointing out the times when he or she is not there for you?

When will life slow down? Is that a question you find yourself asking? So when will it finally be slow enough to do what matters most? In our busy, hectic schedule one of the first things that can get removed from our “to do” list is to connect with our spouse. Often we don’t think of building our relationship or connecting with one another as something we “do,” so it too easily gets neglected. Too often we find ourselves saying, “We’ll connect this weekend, or this spring, or better yet, next summer we’ll find time for a trip for just the two of us.” We say these things and then press play on the rest of our life and our relationship gets lost in the mix.
When I was just beginning as a counselor I was working with this couple who described themselves as really in love, yet they never found time for each other. They were newlyweds and came to see me because the honeymoon ended way too fast. They had only been married for less than six months when they found themselves headed in the wrong direction and decided to get some help. We reviewed their weekly schedule and found out they were both full time students; both worked full or part time, and each had family and friends they liked to spend time with. The situation: they had less than 30 minutes a day when they were together and awake. The problem: each had very different ideas of how to spend those 30 minutes. The result: they spent most of those 30 minutes arguing about which plan was the better choice. The solution: take their current pattern from one that led them to turn away from one another and change it into a pattern that helped them turn towards one another.
Most of the time when we argue we are really talking about something else. This couple was arguing about how to spend their 30 minutes, when really they were arguing to have a place in each other’s life. They were arguing to be noticed, to be seen, and to have the other one care for them. Part of their problem was that they struggled to see this deeper concern and share this with one another. They were stuck in a destructive cycle that seemed over-powering and unbreakable. As they learned to share their unacknowledged emotions and their needs for connection, they started a new pattern that helped them spend the 30 minutes in a way that worked for both of them and eventually found they needed/wanted more than 30 minutes with each other.
When you speak with your spouse, can you see the deeper meaning? Are you able to express how you feel and what you need? In the next few days we will focus on specific steps to help us all improve in this area.
Here are a few of the recent “things” that have taken priority in our lives….

                       

Tonight as part of our family night I’ve asked the kids to give us all a few pointers for making our relationships work. Here is what they said:

What does it mean to love someone?
Maci: Hugging and kissing and taking care of them
Cooper: To be in love
Beaudry: It means to love and nurture them (he said this as he hugged me to show me what it looks like)
Braunson: Being nice and hugging and kissing (all while Beaudry gave him a hug to show what it means to love someone)

 I was going to ask how you show love to someone but they seem to answer this above.

How do you know that someone loves you?
Maci: They laugh with you
Cooper: They like how I share, smile and laugh
Beaudry: When they tell you
Braunson: They don’t hurt you that much unless you want them to, like when you wrestle.
(The kids all gave their answers in between wrestling rounds, a common occurence in our home.)

What should couples do to have a good marriage?
Maci: They should show each other that they love them by giving them hugs
Cooper: They should go to the temple and get married
Beaudry: I don’t know, I’ve never even done this yet.
Braunson: Not embarrass each other when they first get married and then go play tennis and go on dates.

What should couples do when they don’t agree?
Maci: They should think about how much they love each other and do something nice and let the other person try to choose.
Cooper: Be kind and let the other person choose what they want to eat!
Beaudry: Rock, paper, scissors
Braunson: Ask their kids what they think and have a vote-off.
(As you can see B & B think they are pretty smart!)

What is one thing you’ve learned about relationships from your parents?
Maci: I see you smile and laugh
Cooper: You hug and kiss each other (when asked when he sees us doing this he claims we get up in the middle of dinner….I’m not sure about this one)
Beaudry: Plan special dates like Twin’s Crab Shack (this is a Valentine’s tradition where the boys serve us dinner and one year we had crab)
Braunson: Always find a babysitter for your dates.

As you can see we haven’t taught them anything special and that their answers don’t really hold any magical keys to a great relationship. Maybe there are no magical keys…maybe it is making sure we do the basics and doing small, simple things. They seem to keep referring to hugs, kisses and laughing. I think these can be three basic pieces that can build a foundation that opens us up to greater levels of connection. Ask you kids what they think and see what stands out. Personally I was surprised that they referred to hugs and kisses the way they did because I would say Cami and I could do better in this area. It is a good perspective to have and helps me see what I want to keep doing and even do more of. When Braunson and Beaudry were babies I made a real decision to make sure we had a lot of physical touch in our family. This may look like wrestling a lot of the time, but I make sure we spend a lot of time giving hugs and being physically close. I wanted them to know that it is okay to be close to each other.

For some reason this holiday seems to sneak up on us and often it passes us by without much flare. Now that the boys are in school we are reminded to wear green so we don’t get pinched. We hope you enjoy your weekend and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Do something green!

Here is a scrapbook page Cami did about Preslie last year at this time. Cami’s challenge was to use the color green.

Ten things I love about you

Playing the whisper game in your ear…it makes me laugh hard

Going down slides head first…very brave for a 16 month old

Using sign language to tell me you want “more”

Bending over to do “Head shoulders knees and toes” & getting distracted by your toes

When you fold your arms to say prayers

Your belly laugh when you are getting tickled

Seeing you outside running around…simply amazed by the open space

Leading the music at church

Sliding down the stairs so fast on your belly

Hearing you say “maaaaaa” or “mommy” when you wake up in the morning

For my final day of Gottman, take his relationship quiz. Click here. What did you find out? Knowing your spouse is a key to relationship satisfaction and I think this quiz covers a lot of important areas. Gottman’s love maps refer to the amount of cognitive space we have for our relationship and for our spouse. If we really don’t know them, then how will we know what they need, how to love them, and how to offer a safe haven and secure base. If we think we know them, but maybe we don’t, then our relationship can be built on a lot of assumptions. This all leads to shaking ground and an unsure foundation.
Knowing your spouse is where satisfaction and happiness can be found. Learning the small things can make a huge difference and can be a huge deposit in the emotional bank account. Being a friend and seeing your spouse as a friend is a key ingredient to your happiness. How do you build friendship? According to Gottman, you begin by finding out something new each day. It can start with finding out something your spouse will be doing during their day. At the end of the day making sure to have a reunion where you each take time to check in on the day. The only constant in life is change, so our love maps need updating from time to time.
I’m not a huge pumpkin pie fan so for Thanksgiving I prefer something different. We’ve had cheese cake or French silk a few times. I thought I knew Cami well and so last year I offered to have French silk for Thanksgiving because I thought I would have something she enjoyed. It was only after I noticed that she wasn’t eating the pie that I learned my love map was out dated. She isn’t the biggest fan of French silk and I needed to add that to my cognitive space. Nothing major, yet many little things make all the difference in the relationship.

I didn’t realize this week was going to focus so much on the work of John Gottman, but it looks like that is where we are at. For today I thought I would mention a few more keys that he has found in his research. He set up a lab at the University of Washington called the love lab. Couples would come and stay a few hours or a few days and they would monitor their conversations. From watching couples, he learned so much about what works and what doesn’t work. Here are some of his findings: The way we begin our conversation predicts how it will go. He found that in order for us to engage in quality conversations we need to have what he called a “soft start-up.” If we begin the discussion with a critic or put-down the conversation is over. The problem is that most of us don’t end the conversation, instead we respond with defensiveness. Once one person is defensive it is very easy for the other to respond the same way. Now we have two defensive people trying to connect….doesn’t work too well.

He also found that for each negative interaction it can take up to five positive interactions to keep the relationship headed in a positive direction. Think of it as deposits and withdrawals in our emotional bank account. The goal is to make sure we put in more than we withdraw. Like a real bank account, stress increases when we do not have an adequate reserve and life is better when we are happy with our account balance.

I taught the 5 to 1 ratio to some of my couples and here is an example where it didn’t quite work out. Overall they were doing better at working to make sure they increased the number of positive interactions in their relationship. One day the wife walked up to her husband and said, “here are my five positives” and then went on to say five nice things. She then said now that she had given her five nice things she could say what ever she wanted and she really let him have it. I don’t think that is what Gottman meant when he taught the 5 to 1 ratio.
What do you think? Can you see the impact of how you begin your conversations and how this impacts the rest of the discussion? How are you building up an adequate reserve in your emotional bank account? I remember when Cami and I were first married and one night I was lying on the couch watching TV. She came in and the first words out of her mouth were, “I think you watch too much television.” Whether she was right or not, I felt trapped as I looked up with the remote in my hand. What could be my next step?

Yesterday I mentioned the work of John Gottman. He is one of the world leaders when it comes to research on marriage and couple relationships. Another piece of his research that is important for us at emotionally married, is what he calls his Bids for Connection. What he has found from watching thousands of couples interact is that what matters most is how couples pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing. There are a lot of people who say communication is one of the most important parts of a good relationship. I would surprise couples who came to see me because I would tell them that I don’t focus on communication and I won’t focus on communication training. Gottman’s work is a key part of this. Most people want to focus on saying the right words or better yet, they want to learn how to “fight better.” What matters most is not the words you say, it is how you pay attention to your spouse. It can be this simple…you are doing something routine, lets say reading the paper or watching TV. When your spouse says something to you do you look up and smile? Do you ignore him/her? Or do you snap at him/her to be quiet. Gottman found that those brief moments are our bids or attempts to connect with one another.  By choosing to turn toward, turn away, or turn against each other’s bids for connection, no matter how ordinary or small, couples establish the foundation that can determine the future success or failure of their relationships. So here is your next assignment, for the next couple of days I want you to try and be more aware of how you and your spouse bid for connection. How do you pay attention to each other?
I made a mistake a few years back by telling Cami that I was fine with her working, cleaning, or doing anything else while I talked to her. I thought this would be a nice gesture as she could keep “working” as I checked in about my day. Some days this worked, but most days I realized I was following her around the house trying to get her to “pay attention” to me as I talked. I realized that I was bidding for connection and yet I had told her that she didn’t need to pay attention.

Here’s how Preslie usually bids for our attention: A veiw from our perspective

How you feel about yourself and how you feel about your relationship influences every interactions. This is one of my most commonly used phrases. It fits with many of the models I use and the theory behind the work I do with couples. How we feel is so important because it not only influences what we do, it can influence what we hear. Take this statement for example, “What’s for dinner?” Three simple words and yet we can hear so many different things when this is said. What did you hear?
From the work of John Gottman we know the importance of our feelings and how they can override everything else. He found that we either have negative sentiment override or positive sentiment override. Each one is a reflection of how we feel about our relationship and how we feel about our spouse.

Negative sentiment override means that we have a negative perception of our spouse and/or relationship. This perception then becomes a filter to everything we see, do, and hear. When we are operating in a negative sentiment override, we interpret neutral and sometimes even positive statements as something negative. The neutral statement of “what’s for dinner,” can be heard as demeaning, demanding, and hurtful. When we hear a positive statement, “you look nice today,” our negative sentiment overrides what it said and we hear it as a joke, sarcasm, or we take it as not being genuine. Yes, the sender can influence how it is sent, but how we feel about ourselves, our relationship, and our spouse influences how we receive.

Positive sentiment override means we have a positive perception of our spouse and/or relationship. This perception then becomes a filter to everything we see, do, and hear. When we have this positive override, we take neutral and even negative statements and turn them into something positive.
How to we work from negative sentiment override to positive sentiment override, start putting deposits in your emotional bank account and start building up your relationship through small simple acts that carry a positive message.