Security is the goal of our relationships and really the goal in our lives. We want to feel secure with ourselves and we want to find security in the relationships around us. I had a few clients who couldn’t believe that I would say security was the goal of relationships rather than love. I do know that love is important, yet I worked with too many people who said, “I love this person, I just can’t stand to be with them anymore.” The reason they wanted out of the relationship, even though they claimed to still have love, was the lack of security in the relationship. We know from research that when we are insecure we have an internal switch that is triggered and we send energy and attention to start coping. My statement is, “when you are insecure you cope, when you are secure you produce.” When we feel insecure in our lives or in our relationships we spend a lot of time and energy protecting and compensating….working to regain some sense of security. When we feel secure in our lives or in our relationships all that time and energy can be focused on producing. What we focus on and produce is up to us.
The main question when dealing with security is, how do you feel secure? Think of it in terms of what do you need most in order to feel secure? In her book, Hold Me Tight, Sue developed a list of phrases couples have used to describe what they need to feel secure when discussing this topic with their partner or spouse. A couple of them include:
“I need to feel that I am special to you and that you really value our relationship. I need that reassurance that I am number one with you and that nothing is more important to you than us.”
“I need to feel that I am wanted by you, as a partner and a lover, that making me happy is important to you.”
“I need to feel that I am loved and accepted, with my failings and imperfections. I can’t be perfect for you.”
“I need to feel that I will be heard and respected. Please don’t dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of me. Give me a chance to learn how to be with you.”
The key is to realize what you need most to feel secure in your relationship and then begin a discussion about what you need. We don’t go into the conversation demanding to feel secure, rather we open a discussion about what both people need and want to feel secure and loved.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Spokane. We took this a week or two ago during one of our trips downtown. I love it for many reasons…how it looks; the feel in the building; and the reminder of my family’s love of downtown. We enjoy going to the river, going to the park, and all that downtown offers. We love to be outside and to go play.
                           
This picture is of Beaudry catching his first fish (and most likely only fish) of the season. We attended a free fishing day where all 5 kids caught at least one fish (we donated them to charity) and they all received free poles. I love this picture because it captures Beaudry’s focus and it reminds me of his ability to channel his energy into things he loves.
I decided to write and share these pictures today as a challenge to capture some of your summer time favorites as you plan your summer activities. Capture the emotion in the moment and you can carry it with you long after the activity. Cami has taught me the value of pictures, so if it helps, try to capture the moment with a photo.
Happiness is enjoying where you are and it is a skill to learn and focus on the moment. Instead of focusing on everything you must do, sometimes we need to focus on how we feel. Each time I look at our pictures of downtown I find myself laughing and remembering the fun times we have had as a family. When I see Beaudry’s curled nose it reminds me of how unique and fun he is. When I look at our pictures of our fishing trip it reminds me how much our family loves to be outdoors. What do you love and how do you capture it?

I always say that we are ‘pattern people.’ Most of us have patterns of behavior that we repeat daily in the way we work, parent, and interact with others. Couples have patterns of how they build their relationship and how they connect. We see basic patterns in relationships as each partner has their own way of finding safety and doing what works. The key is to develop patterns that bring us together rather than patterns that pull us apart.
In our relationship, I’m a morning person and Cami is a night owl. If we are not careful our habitual patterns pull us apart and limit our times to connect and come together. For some, work schedules can create patterns that limit time together and opportunities to build the relationship. We could all list the items that prevent us from coming together, and I challenge you to list the items that help you connect. Research has shown that one of the key predictors in healthy relationships that last is the amount of emotional connection between the two partners. How we come together and meet up during the day says a lot about the emotional bond between us. Gottmans research says that one key behavior that builds a relationship is a ’soften start-up.’ He says that how you start your conversation predicts how it will go. Additional research has shown that it isn’t whether or not a couples has conflict that predicts relationship quality, it is how they come in and out of conflict that predicts success. Do your patterns help you come together and find time to emotional connect on a daily basis? Are there times each week that you’ve developed rituals that put your relationship as a priority?
In my last post I asked you to place relationship building at the top of your ‘to do’ list for summer activities. Building small, simple rituals of coming together during the day can set the foundation of security and connection. These rituals are a way of holding your relationship safe in a distracting and chaotic world.

This is an exciting weekend for so many of us. For some it is a time to remember loved ones and past relationships. For others it is the kick off to summer fun. For many it is a little of both. Yesterday we sang a song of Thanksgiving and one person asked why we were singing such a song. The reply was simple, “This weekend is a weekend to give thanks and rather than do it around a turkey we are doing it around a barbeque.” I hope you can remember the love and security in the relationships in those who are no longer with us.
Our family loves summer as our schedules change and we find ourselves with more time to play and be together. We love water and find any reason to get wet! We love being together, going places, and finding new games to play outside. As much as we love to travel and explore, it is the quality time that matters most. 

Summer, and summer activities, provide the best playground for building emotional connections with those you love. As you plan your trips and activities this summer, find ways to build connections and work to find activities that will purposely build your relationships. The trips you plan will only last the days you are there, but the strength you add to your relationships will stay with you long after summer is gone. Find what you love about summer and add relationship building to your list.

In her book, Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson states that one of the lessons she has learned from all her work with couples is that “there is no perfect performance in love. Obsession with performance is a dead end. It is emotional presence that matters.”
How you feel in your relationship is the heart of being emotionally married. We can focus on everything we should or should not do in our relationships, but the heart of the matter is capturing how we feel in our relationships. We need to find the emotions that are most captivating….you know those ones which might make no sense and yet we want them over and over again. We need to recognize the emotions in our marriage and find ways to recreate the moments that help us feel the way we want. Research shows that couples who do all the “right” things can still get divorced while couples who don’t do all the “right” things can stay together. My hope is that you shift your focus from what you are or are not doing to how you are feeling.
What feelings do you desire the most in your relationship? Peace, appreciation, comfort, safety, excitement? Find the one or two that mean the most to you and try to remember moments where you felt this way. What was it about those moments that helped you feel so loved, so comforted, or so admired? How can you bring that into your relationship again?
When I look at my family and the way we work I will admit we do things our own way. We are not too concerned about doing everything the best way or having the perfect family….we gave up on that long ago. Rather we aim to create moments where love, happiness, and comfort can be found. It isn’t about what we do, it is about how we feel!

Pictures from our Mother’s Day at Manito Park.

What is it about you that makes you who you are? If I were to ask people who know you, how would they describe your personality, your character, or your belief system? Have you ever taken the time to understand what people see in you? We probably all have stories where someone said they saw something in us that we hadn’t seen before. I think it is so fun when I’m around someone and they gain new insight into who they are or how they come across to others.
There is a new friend in my life who I’ve only known for a month and yet several times he has told me about the impact I’m having on him. Just this evening I was out visiting some people with him and when we came home he mentioned how he is finding himself thinking about the smallest things that I say or do….kind of scary, yet kind of fun. We had him over for dinner one evening and a week later he said he had never been around a family like ours…don’t know if that is a good thing, but it had an impact on him. As he has shared his impressions of my family and what he sees in me, it has offerred me an opportunity to gain insight into the way others view me.
One way of understanding ourselves is to think of us as having different areas that make up who we are. There is a public self, which is the part of us that we are aware of and that we share with others. There is a hidden or private self. This is the area of our lives that we know about, but we keep private from other people. The third part of us is the part that we don’t really see or know about, yet others see it. This can be called our blind self. For some people these three areas are very different…some have very little hidden while some are very private. Some have great insight into what others see in them, while others haven’t received much feedback about the way they come across. I would encourage you to look into these areas and ask what parts you keep private and what parts you feel safe to share. If you know someone who would be honest with you, ask them for feedback about how they see you and see if you can find out something new.

Here is the private life of Cooper…the silly happy boy that most people don’t get to see.  His public life is reserved and shy, yet we see his blind self; as being a boy who has taught us about unconditional love and a desire to be good.

Preslie, our 2 year old, has learned this new phrase and says it several times each day. It is so fun to hear and to have her and I go back and forth about who loves who, and for how long.  I find myself saying it as I head outside, as I come home from work, or just when I walk into a room where she is playing. Why is it so easy to say this for some and for others it can be difficult? I tell my kids I love them so much that their standard reply is, “We know.” There can be a level of vulnerability in sharing how we feel and therefore some people hold it in and are hesitant to share. Others say it all the time and then struggle to show their love in their actions. I would hope that Preslie feels an ounce of the love I really have for her, because as a parent there is so much .

How do you show your children and spouse that you love them? A great book on expressing our love in the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Check out his site if you haven’t read the book. He states that we each have a main way we feel love and uses the idea of speaking different languages as a way to capture the different ways we feel loved. If Cami spoke Spanish and I spoke French, I could try to communicate all I wanted but there would be pieces that she wouldn’t understand. Think about some of the different languages that people speak and the difficulty we might have trying to understand them if they are different from our own. This occurs in the way people love one another.
The 5 main love languages, according to Chapman, are touch, service, time, gifts, and words. We all enjoy feeling loved in one way more than the others and our love language can change as we change. When Cami and I were first married I would buy simple gifts for her whenever I could. This was not her preferred way of feeling loved, so even though she had nice simple gifts she wanted more. With 5 little ones and all that goes with that I’ve found that my love language is time…quality time…not mommy - daddy time…..I want Mark and Cami time. Cami does such a great job giving time to the kids and I want that time for me too.
Knowing the love language of your spouse helps you know how to love him/her in a way that works. I can give Cami all the time in the world, but if that isn’t her preferred love language then she might be wanting more. We should be grateful for any love our spouse shares and work to understand the language they speak and adapt as much as possible. Better yet, if you want to do something special, try and find a way to love them in all five languages. Believe me they feel extra special and you feel great because you’ve worked hard to be creative in the way you show your love.

What do you do to celebrate? I’m not just speaking of major holidays, I’m also thinking of small celebrations. How do you celebrate the positive moments, big and small? There is real power in celebrating moments in our lives that occur daily. When we talk about our relationships, couples actually are there for one another much more than we realize. Spouses follow through on tasks and meet the needs of the other in small little ways and if we don’t learn to celebrate them we might miss them. In order to celebrate, we must first reflect on the moments in our daily lives that foster openness and responsiveness and reinforce our understanding of the positive impact we have on one another. Once we have done this, we need to articulate the turning points in our relationship history when our love has intensified.
It is easy to focus on what isn’t working, but have you tried to celebrate what IS WORKING?
One of the most difficult phrases a spouse can hear is, “honey we need to talk.” These can often be fighting words unless we develop a relationship where we celebrate what works. When our spouse knows that they are much more likely to receive a compliment instead of a complaint, they will be much more willing to listen. Give it a try.

I hope everyone enjoyed a nice Mother’s Day. One thing I realized as I thought about moms and the role they play, is the powerful influence they have on the lives of their children. I taught a lesson in my church on Sunday and I focused it on mothers and I had the people in my class share stories about a specific lesson or event from their mother that shaped who they were today. People shared amazing stories and I was left with love, respect, and apprecation for all that mothers do. THANKS!
It isn’t just their children who are blessed by their guidance, husbands and fathers have better lives when they receive guidance from their wives. John Gottman, who I’ve mentioned many times, has found that one of the best predictors of healthy relationships is the husbands ability to receive influence from his wife. This can look many different ways and it is up to each of us to find out what that influence looks like. I put it in terms of safe haven and secure base….meaning husbands need to see their wives as their refuge and their support. In order to have a relationship where we can access these supports we need to allow our wives to influence us. Moms can shape a boy as he grows and a wife can shape a man as he continues to grow.
Some say the one constant in life is change. Husbands and wives are continually changing and we will be better off in our lives and in our marriages if we allow our spouses to influence how we change. I’d like to say I’m a pretty good husband and father. I know a lot of who I am was shaped by my mother when I was young. I can easily say that Cami, my wife, has had a profound influence on who I am today and the way I live my life. Husbands….allow your wives to influence you and you’ll be amazed at the results!

Here is a tribute to some of the Mothers in my life. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you!