Summer is here and it is hot, hopefully not quite as hot where you are. As we shift to summer mode, we start thinking about getting away. Some get away to the pool, others the lake, while others head to the mountains. Where ever you go, the key is to find time to do something different. It would be nice if it was some place like Hawaii or Mexico, but the key is to find a place where you can change roles, change your focus, and live in the moment. I hope that you can find a time and place where you can find time for yourself and hopefully time for you and your spouse. Family adventures, as our family calls it, are the highlight of our summer. We talk about it all year long and then start planning as soon as the weather begins to warm. I’m sure you’ll hear all about it in the weeks to come.
What I want to focus on is the chance to get away as a couple. In some relationship guides they say that weekly dates are vital and yearly retreats a must. I know we struggle to find that weekly date, but I cherish any time we can sneak away as a couple. Its a chance to focus on the couple relationship rather than the parental relationship. An opportunity to create a setting where we can focus on the two keys to emotional connection: accessibility and responsiveness. We must be careful when planning our activities that we don’t plan something that seems to provide time to connect, yet we find that we rarely have time together. For some it is in the un-planned time that conversation flows and connection occurs.
Cami and spent Friday and Saturday in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. It is a wonderful town with a great lake. I spent the days teaching a class while Cami spent time remembering she is more than just a mom. I think it was great that she had time without me to help her focus on herself and not feel the responsibility to take care of anyone. Alone time is something that can be valuable and if we use it properly, we can reconnect with ourselves.
When planning a night or weekend away, remember to focus on the connecting more than the activities. Friday night while we were driving around the lake, I mentioned to Cami how great it was that we both enjoyed sight seeing and driving around looking at different parts of the area. She simply stated, “I do this for you.” As much as I was enjoying the drive I realized that I was focusing too much on the activity and not enough on connecting. We drove a little bit longer, turned around and headed for a place where we could get out and walk on the shore. Now we both enjoyed what we were doing and the activity provided another opportunity to connect.
Where are you going, or what have you done to connect with your spouse? For some people a trip isn’t the solution. Several years ago we took a trip to Puerto Vallarta and we now have what we call “Vallarta nights” where we try to recreate the atmosphere and experience in our own back yard. Nothing fancy, just a nice night were we remember the fun experiences we have had and work to create new ones. Whether your ‘couple adventure’ is in your yard, your community, or on a trip….make sure you plan something special for you and yours!

Cami is joining me on a weekend get-a-way to Coeur d’Alene. I know it’s not far from home, but it is without kids!!! I’m teaching a two-day class on family counseling and Cami…well, she is getting some deserved time to herself. So here are my quick thoughts about happiness for today and this weekend, enjoy!

Loving families are the basis of a humane society. Understanding our longing for love and how love works is crucial if we want to shape a world that allows those longings to be answered and reflects the best of our nature. A human being longs for, is wired for, connection with others. Better relationships between love partners are not just a personal preference, they are a social good. Better love relationships mean better families. And better, more loving families mean better, more responsive communities. We have known for decades that happy families start with happy relationship between partners.  All great statements from Sue’s book. I would add that happy starts with you, just as my happiness starts with me. Happiness is knowing who I am and knowing that I have value. When I’m honest with myself and I keep my word with myself, my value grows. As I believe in myself more, I am a happier person. The cycle starts with me. When I work on myself and build up myself I can be happy. I then share my happiness with my spouse in the way I am accessible and responsive and together we share this happiness with we our children and others. Just like the simple songs tells us….don’t worry, be happy!

As we become better listeners, we can hear more than the basic story. The key here is to learn to listen to the message and not just the content. In each conversation there is so much more being shared than just the words you can hear. Often non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language carry with them a different message than the one being given verbally. As you listen to your heart, or the emotion from others, you can begin to catch the message in the story. If you really want to connect with someone, catch the message.
Take this experience for example:


If you were to ask our kids about smores, you might get these answers:
“Last time we ate smores, I had 5 of them.”
“I really like the cookies.”
“I can make mine golden brown.”
“I usually burn a couple marshmallows.”

As much as this is good information, if you’ve ever cooked smores with young kids you know it is about much more than quantity and quality. If you look at their expresssions you might see a couple of them who are quite proud of their roasting abilities. Others smile with excitement because smores represent everything that goes with camping. If we only focused on content we would miss out on the true exprience of making smores. When we catch the message we can experience the emotion with them which will bring a connection. We are after the connections in life much more than the different activities.
In one of your next conversations with a friend, spouse, or child see if you can identify the message in their story. What else are they trying to share? What is the most important message in their story? Is their message different than the story they are telling you? Good luck!

We need to listen when our heart speaks. Emotions are very powerful and they carry with them a message. I often use the idea of emotions as spotlights that turn on when something is important. The key is to learn to listen to our heart and to understand what it is saying. The same emotion may carry with it several different messages. For some of us the first step in listening to our heart is to realize we have emotions and to learn to recognize when we feel them. Out of our oldest two boys, Beaudry is a lot more free with his emotions while Braunson is more reserved. We work with both of them to feel free to share and express how they feel. Over the weekend Cami heard a comment from Beaudry to Braunson and he said, “you do remember that Dad wants you to be more emotional.” She missed what the comment referred to but we both had to laugh as we realized that our 8 year olds are talking about emotions and helping each other listen to their hearts.
Another key to listening to our heart is the idea that we desire connections with others. When we listen to our hearts we will find ourselves working to be with others. The message will say, “you want comfort; you want connection.” Listen and act on those emotions and open up conversations that will bring you closer to others.

I hope you don’t get sick of pictures of my family. It is a way to share with you (and friends and family) what is happening in our lives. We are far from perfect, but we are enjoying the journey. A final photo from our trip to Sullivan Lake:

I love this picture because it captures the emotions in each of the boys. Nothing beats sticks and rocks and what kids can do when they tap into their imagination. This was a collection of drift wood that became a combination of a battle ship, a fortress, and an apartment.

While I was in Calgary this past weekened, I heard a song several times on the radio and knew I needed to write about it. Here it is, take a listen. Aaron Line: ‘Moments that Matter.’ One of the lines that really struck me was this:

“Years pass you by, days start to scatter. You can’t buy back moments that matter.”

Whether we think about moments with our children, extended family, or our spouse…simply put: you can’t buy back moments that matter. This is why we need to cherish the moments we have. We’ve all heard stories where people say the most important and most memorable moments were the little ones, you know the ones where you think nothing big is happening. The moments that mean so much can happen anywhere, at any given moment. The better we become at living in the moment (living in the present) and being aware of how we feel in these moments, the better we will be at recognizing a special moment when it happens. Here are few moments that matter from our past few weeks:

                      
On our camping trip we found this golf course where the green fees were really $1.00. The entire family golfed for $7.00. As much as I enjoyed the price, it was so fun to see all five kids swinging away at those golf balls all over the course.

This was ‘attack dad’ during fathers day. It was a mixture of hugs, kisses, and wet willies!

So many of us have children and know that their well-being is one of our top priorities. When I try to come up with the key to good parenting, I always find myself back at the parental relationship. When we feel a close emotional connection and have a secure relationship with our spouse, we can find it easier to be a good parent. When our marriage is going well it will be easier to provide a safe haven and secure base for our children. When we offer these relationships to our children we provide a place for them to learn positive ways to deal with their emotions and connect with others.
I hope that you feel that closeness with your spouse and that you are planning activities this summer to bring you even closer. With big or little kids they can easily become the focus and the relationship with our spouse can get lost in the mix. Bring it to the focus and your kids will benefit as well.
Cami and I learn and re-learn this concept often as we can find ourselves neglecting each other and focusing too much on our kids or the work that it takes to keep things moving. When you look at your schedule of activities it is easy to see where your focus is. Even when the week is full of kid activities, find ways to be together in those activities.

Here are a few pictures from our first camping trip of the year at Sullivan Lake. One thing I love about camping is that we leave the world behind. Cami and I find time for each other and we still have plenty of time for the kids….that is all we have - TIME!

  

Do you ever have one of those weekends where so much happens that the main event can easily become a side story? We had a fun weekend which seemed to start early and end late. In the middle of it all was Father’s Day, a day that is so important. Of all the stories or messages I heard during the week regarding fathers, the best one was on the importance of fathers being attentive. As a Dad, I know how difficult it is to juggle all the demands of our role as father. The best gift we can give our children is to be attentive when we are with them. Because most of us work out of the home, it can be difficult to be there as much as we would like. The key is to be attentive when we are there. Be present, be focused, and be alive. I love my Dad and the dad’s in my life who set paths to follow and roles to replicate. I am so grateful we live in a time when the role of father is changing and it is okay for us to be a soft, safe place for our children. We will never give the unique gift mothers give to their children, but we can be an equal partner in nuturing and raising our children. GO DADS!
For Father’s Day, Cami gave me one of my favorite gifts…a date with her. We ate overlooking the Falls and enjoyed the late run-off.

The kids sent me on a treasure hunt to find a few gifts and surprised me with a camping trip starting today!

Besides Father’s Day, B & B celebrated their final day of school and the kick off to summer. Whatever you do this summer, enjoy it, capture it, and find a way to build the relationships in your life.

The kids went bowling to start off summer!

You made it… 100 blogs. I thought the best way to document this milestone was in scrapbook format of course, so here’s my celebratory page:              

10. The kids think Dad is so cool because he has his own (Dot com) as they call it.

  9.  Mark supports and encourages me to scrapbook even more for the blog.

  8.  This is only the beginning…we have big plans for Emotionally Married

       to become so much more.

  7.  Our relationship is constantly being redefined and improving because

       of his writing

  6.  We reach for the camera daily to capture our lives on film

  5. I finally had a reason to justify my NEED to get a Cannon Rebel camera!

  4.  It’s a place I go daily to see what’s on Mark’s mind; giving us

       something new to discuss.

  3. The comments and feedback from readers that have made changes

      and improvements in their own lives.

  2.  Mark is able to share his love about couples and life to the world

  1.  It brought focus back to Mark of what he’s truly passionate about,

       couples and families.

Congratulations Mark I am so proud of you for making Emotionally Married become a reality. I love you and am thankful for who you are.  You are genuine and real with yourself and others.  You have helped me become a better person, which in turn has made me a better wife and Mother.  Keep Dreaming…. You’re heading in the right direction.

As you read my writings about relationships you have seen that I don’t write about all the problems in life and in relationships. I do admit that they are there, and I try to focus on the positive and the strength that we can find in ourselves and in our relationships. The reality is that many of us have been hurt and experienced loss in our lives. Many have experienced some form of trauma, either as a child or somewhere in their life. We have all experienced the isolation and pain that comes from shock, sorrow, and the questioning of why. Trauma changes us and we have a trauma response that says, “NEVER AGAIN.” We can lose sight of who we are and what brings peace, happiness and security. The answer to our healing can come from several places. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who loves, cares, and offers us healing power. Our relationships are another powerful place to find refuge and care. Whether or not our spouse was in our lives during the time of trauma, they can be a great source of peace and support. As we build a relationship with the foundation being a safe haven and a secure base, we can find the keys to rebuilding security in ourselves and in our relationships.
As you know I have a great respect for the writings and knowledge of Sue Johnson. She has offered us a new way of working with trauma….and it works! In her book she writes, “We need our partner to be a safe haven and also a true witness to our pain, to assure us we are not to blame for what happened and that we are not weak for being helpless and overwhelmed. A secure love relationship acts as a protective shield when we face monsters and dragons and helps us heal after the dragon has gone.”
When I was a child I had a pattern of sleep walking. My parents tell stories of me not only walking around the house but a few times actually running to get away from the monsters in my dreams. I don’t remember the running, but I do remember a dream I had quite often. I fell off my parent’s back steps and cracked open my head when I was young and I think it played a factor in being afraid of heights. In my dream, I was always falling off some high place. I would fall and some what fly almost hitting certain objects, floating under bridges, etc. When I would hit the ground I would always wake up and be in my mom’s bed. I would cuddle with her and receive comfort knowing that I was going to be okay. She was my protective shield.

I have always been taught to serve others and know that our lives are better when we give and help others. I don’t know about you, but sometimes this is a struggle for me. I know I should do it and I want to, yet there are times when I feel I’m the one who needs the help or I don’t feel like I have much to give. Where can we find the strength to put ourselves in a position to serve others? Quoting again from Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson states, “When lovers are united in a strong and secure bond, it does more than enhance their connection to each other. The circle of loving responsiveness widens like the ripple from a stone dropped in a pool. Being in a loving relationship augments our caring and compassion for others, in our family and in our community.” Later she rights, “When we don’t have to worry about safety with our loved ones, we naturally have more energy to give to others. We see others more positively and are more willing to emotionally engage with them. Feeling loved and secure makes us kinder and more tolerant people.”
These two statements speak to the core of emotionally married. I believe that the more secure we feel in our loving relationships, the better people we become. If we want to change our family or change or community, we need to first start with our marriage. I know in my own family that I’m a much better parent when I feel close to Cami. When I don’t feel secure it is more difficult to be patient and caring with my kids. The way we feel in our key relationships impacts not only the way we act, but the way we feel about ourselves. From attachment theory we have one of my favorite statements about self worth. Attachment theory believes that self worth is knowing that you matter in someone else’s mind. Wow! Everytime I think about the impact of that statement I can see image after image of how that is true. Build the emotional connection between you and your spouse and it will build your self worth. As you feel better about yourself, you will find greater compassion and greater concern for those around you.