After a trip, a date, or an activity, what are the stories you tell? I played a fun round of golf with a couple of my brothers and my dad and when I returned I found myself telling stories of the different shots I had. Later I was thinking about this idea that often when I hear people talking about things such as golf or fishing, they talk about the highlights. I rarely tell people about the times my golf shot only when 5 yards or when it landed in the water. What I like to share is the times when I was able to have the long and straight drive, or the perfect chip. I make sure I tell any story that includes a par because I don’t have those very often. When I hear others telling stories of fishing trips, I often hear about the fight they won and the prize they landed, not the stories of the ones that got a way or the hours without a bite.
So why is it that some of us focus on the highlights and some focus on what went wrong, what didn’t happen, or what doesn’t work? Think about your relationships, what stories do you tell? Do you focus on the times when you find yourself having so much fun, feeling so connected, and lost in each other? Do you find yourself focusing on times when you felt rejected, alone, or misunderstood?
Just like my golf game, there are a lot of bad shots and missed opportunities in our relationships. On the other side of relationships, the reality is, most spouses are there for each other a lot more than we realize. Needs are met, promises are kept, and time is found to be together. Watch yourself over the next few days and find out what type of stories you tell when it comes to your life and where is your focus when it comes to your relationship.

We’ve started a family trip so I may not have pictures for the next few times. It is fun to be on vacation, to see family, and to change our schedule. One challenge that Cami and I have found as we change our schedules and head out on vacation is our ability to stay connected. When you are with family or friends, you are still with your spouse, but your attention is focused else where. You can find yourself spending hours in the same space as your spouse, and yet feel disconnected.
The keys to emotional connection are accessibility and responsiveness and this is all done on an emotional level. You can be physically present, yet emotionally unavailable. Cami and I have found this is so easily the case when we are with family and friends. The key is to find time when the two of you can connect, even when on vacation and surrounded by others.
What do you and your spouse do to stay connected when your energy is focused on others? This can happen in our daily lives with work and kids and can become even more of a challenge when on vacation. So what do you do? I think we can stay connected or reconnect in small ways and in short moments of time. The challenge is to make sure that we speak with our spouse about what we are going to do and make a plan heading into our next situation. The better we can talk about our relationship and what we do to stay connected, the better we will be at meeting our relationship needs.

So many of us always feel so busy and that we are always running from one thing to the next. Every now and again I have to stop and ask myself, who is setting the pace in my life? Do you ever feel that you are just along for the ride and your only hope is to hold on and survive? Have you managed to gain control and set your own pace and find control in your life?
Cami and I are using my summer schedule to be work out partners. It has been fun to exercise together and try to motivate each other. Yesterday we were running laps around an indoor track and we took turns leading. We started discussing our running pace and I told her that I was just trying to keep up with her. She informed me that I was leading half of the time, and I said that I was still trying to keep up. Even when I was leading, I was trying to set a pace that I thought she wanted. I found out that she was happy with any pace I set, but I was keeping a pace based on my assumption of what she expected.
This process occurs often in relationships and life…we set our own pace based on what we think others expect. By the end of the night I was feeling a little sick and couldn’t finish the work out because I had pushed myself too hard. I emphasize, ‘I had pushed myself too hard’ because that is what happened and this is what often happens in our lives. We can find ourselves exhausted, burned out, or discouraged because we are not keeping up with the expectations . If we find ourselves in those moments, we need to examine those expectations and decide who is setting the expectations. We need to learn to set realistic expectations for ourselves and be our own leader, rather than setting our pace based on others. The better we know ourselves, the more realistic the expectations. Remember success builds and we want expectations that we can meet so that we can will build our self-worth and self-image. Tonight I think I’ll work on setting my own pace!

Each year at our university’s Commencement we hear the famous Beattle’s song ‘Hello Goodbye’ as the way to end the ceremony. The main line that plays over and over in my head is ‘You say goodbye and I say hello.” I think it is always fitting because we are saying goodbye to past relationships and hello to a new life. This week marks several goodbyes and several hellos. I am leaving my job and starting a new one in August and we said goodbye to my brother and his wife as well as a good friend who is saying hello to a new life.

      
 
A key to saying ‘goodbye and hello’ is accepting responsibility for what you have done and what you can do. As we say goodbye to one part of our life, it is powerful to remember what we have learned, how we have changed, and who we have become. Our family has been in Spokane for 3 years now and not only are our kids a lot more independent, we have changed as a family. As we say hello to my new job, we have the opportunity to choose what this next chapter will be. I, just like each of you, have the opportunity and responsibility to make this life one that we are proud of. From an emotionally married point of view, the key is to not go at it alone. We are better off when we have the support of others, and when we can draw upon our safe haven and secure base. I know I’ve drawn on mine a lot over the past few months and know there will be plenty of times ahead. It isn’t always easy saying goodbye and it isn’t always easy saying hello. I just hope that each time we say those words we can enjoy what was and what will be.

I love to ask this question because I love the responses I usually get. Often I will have someone give me a description of what they think healthy couples do to build their relationship. I then ask them, “do you do this in your relationship” and more often than not they will say no. The person will then explain how their relationship is different or how they wish they did those things, but they don’t seem to happen in their relationship. I did a research study in this area and enjoyed meeting couples of all shapes, sizes, ages, and make up to find out what they did to see their relationship as healthy. One person I spoke with during my study said, ‘I think we have a good relationship but I’m not sure it is what you would call healthy. My husband has high blood pressure and I have arthritis.” Lucky for them my study didn’t focus on physical health, although there is great research that shows the physical benefits of a healthy relationship.

So let me ask you this question, ‘what do couples do to have a healthy relationship?’ Share your answers and lets compare to see if we can find some core elements that will help all of us have a better relationship.

When we think of relationships it is difficult for one person to win while the other loses. Either you both win or you both lose….really there is no in between. Another perspective from emotionally married is that life isn’t about whether you win or lose. It isn’t even about how you play the game; it is about who you played the game with. Our society can easily influence us to think more about ourselves and about winning rather than focusing on our connections and being with people. If you win but are all alone, what is your prize?
While we enjoyed the 4th of July at Priest Lake our kids engaged in a number of contests and bike races. The one that was most memorable and where we saw the most smiles was the one when we told the older boys that they couldn’t pass Cooper. As a result all four kids enjoyed a nice lap around the camp ground and they were all laughing and smiling as they approached our camp. In your relationships, especially with your spouse, work to change the dynamics from competitors to teammates. Learn to work together and build up one another. Become your spouse’s biggest fan. Find yourselves together at the end of an outing and at the end of the day and you’ll be blessed for your decisions.

We all face dragons in our lives. These dragons look different for each of us and come in all shapes and sizes. These dragons are the things in life that cause us anxiety, fear, and potential hurt. It is hard to avoid dragons and often they appear when we least expect it. There are different beliefs about how to face your challenges and how to beat the dragons in life, and from a relationship stand point the key isn’t just about winning the fight it is knowing you are not fighting alone. There is great strength in knowing you have the comfort, support, and aid of others in times of need. Just knowing that our attachment figure, or key emotional support, is accessible and emotional responsive during times of need can bring comfort. The antidote to fear and anxiety is emotional closeness to those who can provide us our safe haven and secure base.
Preslie’s water toy may not look like a mean dragon, but she called it her ‘aligator’ all weekend. She wrestled that thing each time we were at the lake and there were a few times when the aligator won and Preslie found herself under water. She would jump up, looking a little shocked, and then quickly turn to see if Cami or I were there to rescue her. The first flip was the biggest surprise and it took the most comforting, but when she realized that she was okay, she climbed back on her aligator (or dragon) and continued the fight. Eventually she won and was able to enjoy and play and even float on her aligator.
We all seek closeness from others and when we face fears in our life we have a natural alarm system that encourages us to reach out and find comfort in others. If our spouse or parent is unavailable our anxiety will most likely increase and if we know we can access their support our anxiety will decrease. A key in this support seeking is building the emotional closeness in the times without the dragons so our relationship is prepared to face the dragons together when they do appear.

I love to celebrates holidays, especially the ones that bring people together. From an emotionally married standpoint, I love holidays because they provide us a reason to be together. The celebration allows people the opportunity to connect and the activities provide the means to be both accessible and emotionally responsive. I guess I should say I love seeing people connect and holidays are one great way this happens. As you make plans for your 4th of July activities, I hope you are considering who you want to connect with and what activities will help you do this. Some people do the exact same thing every year while others try to find new adventures. The key is to find opportunities to connect and emotionally open up to those around you. Feel the emotions of the day, or weekend, and celebrate with other people.
We have a sign on one of our local churches that states, “Summer is God’s time to re-create.” Until I saw this sign I hadn’t really thought about the word recreate and how it truly means to re-create. This in another reason why I love holidays….they give us another reason to recreate and to be active together. I enjoy work and love what I do, and I love to play and be away from work. Holidays provide a time to switch roles and change our focus. As we recreate we renew our self of self and our sense of what is important. We can still work on producing…we can shift from producing quality work at our job or home to producing quality relationships.
The last reason I love holidays is the fact that when we celebrate the 4th of July this year we also remember the years gone by and all the memories. When we enjoy the emotions of the event we can feel the happiness and closeness of prior events. It all adds up to so much fun. I hope you have an enjoyable and safe holiday weekend. I may slip a quick post in before we head to Priest Lake, but if not I wanted to let you know why I love holidays. I hope you do to!