Happy Halloween! I hope today you will have some fun. I know for some there are mixed feelings about Halloween…some of the decorations are scary and we encourage our children to take candy from stangers…but given all the stress in the world right now, I believe we all could benefit from some fun and a change of pace. Our kids love today because the build up has been coming for several weeks. Three weeks ago we were at Greenbluff where they entered the Great Pumpkin patch in search of the perfect pumpkin. Two weeks ago they began finding their costumes and last week we had our church party. This week they carved pumpkins and today they have parties at school. I love holidays that are stretched to their fullest. We try to get the most out of holidays and Halloween is one we do quite well. So whether you are headed out trick or treating, staying home and passing out candy, or headed out to a fun party…enjoy and have some fun!
                                        

We attended our church Halloween party last Friday night and captured this picture.
                           
From this fun shot of our family I want to try and make two points that relate to relationships. 1) Do you let your hair down? In life, and in relationships, we can be so busy and feel so much pressure that we forget to find moments to relax and have fun. We need to find time where we change the pace, change the feel, and change our approach to life. Find a way to relax and see what happens in your relationships!
2) Do you wear a mask? Halloween is the perfect time of year to discuss the fact that many people hide who they really are. Often we put on a front, or a mask, so people don’t really know who we are or how we really feel. In relationships we may do this out of fear that if the other person really knew who we were, they may reject us. We may have learned from past experiences that being vulnerable or real hurts so we hide ourselves from others by hiding behind a mask. If you wear a mask, do you know what it looks like? I was amazed at peoples’ reactions to my 80’s rock star (or guitar hero) costume. So many people seemed shocked that I would dress like this…maybe my mask isn’t what I thought it was. So do you know what your mask looks like and do you have the power to remove it when you want? Good questions to ask yourself as you see all the different characters who are out this time of year.

One thing that is true in life is the fact that we need to keep working. When I was younger I had a discussion with one of my professors and I told him that I hoped to work hard enough that I could find a place in my life where I could plateau. I thought if  I worked hard in the beginning I could find a place where I was comfortable and just coast into the sunset. Well, here I am several years later feeling as if I’m working harder than I did back then and I see no end in sight. Whether it is our jobs, our families, or our own well-being, we need to keep going and keep striving to do better. The constant push is what will keep us in a healthy place.
I don’t know about you, but it is easy for us to slip just a bit from time to time. In those times life still moves and no major challenges come up, it’s just we know we could be doing better. Relationships need constant work…it doesn’t always have to be hard work or hours of work, yet they need constant and steady nourishment. The good part in all of this is that we will see and enjoy the benefits from our efforts when we keep working. So keep going!!! Here is Cooper as he keeps working on that apple from my last post. So much fun!

When we are a safe haven for those we care about, we offer a buffer to the stresses of life. We provide a refuge from the storms or challenges and create a place of warmth and comfort. To be honest, when I write about a safe haven I think of my wife Cami and how she provides this for me and our kids. I hope that I am a safe haven, but I often don’t think about my role in detail. Yesterday I had the chance to spend the morning with Cooper while he had some tests run to determine if he is growing properly or if he is just SMALL. He had a needle in his arm all morning, and really did quite well.
As we walked through the halls of the hospital, Cooper was alert, talkative, and happy. As we waited for the nurse he continued on like it was no big deal. We entered the examination room…and still no change. She was looking at his arms and I could see him become some what alarmed. She asked him to remove his shirt and I saw him start to sink just a little. As she left the room he asked me what she was doing and I informed him that they were drawing blood samples and they needed to put in an I.V. That is when he changed, he started to cry and would not look at the nurse as she entered the room. What a change from when she left!
Throughout the morning I was able to stand by his side, hold his hand, rub his face, and read book after book. It was so great to realize that I was his source of comfort and his safe haven. At first I was sitting in a chair and he seemed all alone on the table. He was scared, sad, and all afraid. As I held his hand and stayed with him, it was nice to see him find strength.
There is great research that discusses the physical, emotional, and mental strength we can find in our secure relationships. Our body actually acts differently when we have connections to those we care about. I could see this difference in Cooper and it was so rewarding and comforting to know that my presence added strength during this frightful time. Here is Cooper on Monday on his field trip to Greenbluff.

I think the words from Alan Jackson best describe my general views of life, “I’m not a real political man. I watch CNN, but I’m not sure I can tell you the difference between Iraq and Iran.” I tend to avoid political debates, topics, and discussions and would rather focus on today, my family, and finding happiness. Yet, during this time it seems that more and more I’m becoming aware of the struggles we are facing or may soon be facing. When times get tough, or when we start thinking about money, jobs, and our economic situation…how does emotionally married even matter? I hope you have your own answer to this question, and I will share mine.
Hopefully you are not surprised by me saying this, but I believe that in difficult times like some say are ahead, our emotional connection and the security that we find from it will be just as important, if not more important, than it ever has been. Throughout the ages of time we have countless stories about love and connection and how these emotional bonds helped people overcome the most difficult situations.  The key to being emotionally married is building a relationship that is our safe haven and secure base. In troubling times, secure bases seem to disappear, and what was once firm begins to falter. Our need for a safe haven…that important emotional buffer from the stresses of life, will become more and more important as we feel stress and pressure enter our homes, lives, and relationships. 
Find strength in those you love and care about. Let this be a time to build security in our most important relationships. Let us build up our emotional reserves so that we have an adequate supply to offer safety to those we care about. Find ways to take care of yourself, making sure you find personal security. Take a few extra moments to add another deposit in your emotional bank account with your spouse and kids. This reserve will do more for your physical, emotional, and mental health than we can imagine.

How’s life? Hectic? Busy? Stressful? We live in a busy, packed world that is constantly moving at a faster pace. There are many advantages to all of this, and there are many distractions and stressors for families. I’m teaching a class right now that is covering many of the stressors families face and I’m blown away each time we talk about the statistics and the facts regarding the amount of stress families face in today’s world. I tried to present what ‘normal family functioning’ looks like and many of my students said that normal is still stressful. I agree, just moving through the different stages in the life of a family adds stress on the individuals and on the relationships. Add an additional stressor such as a disability, illness, change in economic status or job loss, or addiction…just to name a small few, and the family can struggle to stay intact and to remain supportive.
So what do you do to provide a buffer for your family? How have you created a safe haven environment that allows you and your family to escape the stresses of life? One thing I believe in is finding moments where we can relax, change pace, and change our focus. Kids are the best example of that. This weekend we celebrated Preslie’s 3rd birthday (I don’t know if we just left a stressful stage or if we are headed to another) and she wanted to go bouncing.

I had just finished what I felt was two stressful, over packed days, and then I found myself watching my kids run, jump, flip, and yell with delight as they only focused on the task at hand…having fun. It looked so inviting that Cami and I each found ourselves “helping” kids on a couple of the toys. I sat and watched them and thought ‘here is part of the solution!’ Families need to create fun along the way. Sure the stress is there when the party is over, but the break and the fun can add strength and patience to the battle. So find a way to have fun with your family and you’ll be amazed at how you come together!

Have you ever had an experience where a comment from someone else gives you a very different perspective on the same event? Let me explain. Saturday we celebrated Preslie’s 3rd birthday along with our annual trip to Greenbluff, a group of local farmers. To me nothing says fall more than going to Greenbluff to see the animals, see the pumpkins launch through the air, attempt the hay maze, and enter the great pumpkin patch.

This year we enjoyed the fun with an additional cold breeze in the air. We had winter coats, hats and gloves while others seemed to be just fine with a light jacket. Maybe we are wimps, but it sure seemed cold.
Here is where the perceptions and change of perspective come into play. While we were there, feeling rather cold, I called my brother who lives in Virginia only to hear that he was wearing shorts and flip flops in nice 80 degree weather. I found myself feeling quite sad about my cold fall and how we were so unlucky. I had just returned from a father and son campout where it got down to 18 degrees…I was feeling rather down about my cold weather. On Sunday I made my weekly phone home to my mom to hear about snow in Idaho and Utah. Oh how this changed my perspective. We might have been cold, but we still had a nice blue sky with a full sun, green grass and fun fall colors. Hearing of snow, and in some places lots of it, changed my perception and I found myself feeling quite blessed to have the falls here in the Northwest which are “cool” but dry.
The power of perception is a powerful thing. The key, which I had to learn again, is that it really isn’t always about the ‘facts’ it is more about how you feel.

Did you know that today is National Depression Screening Day? Events are held all over the country in different counseling offices and schools where people are encouraged to find out if they are depressed. There are several places online you can look if you are interested. Here are some quick facts about depression:
 - Depressive disorder affects approximately 18.8 million American adults or about 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.
 - Trauma, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, or any stressful situation may trigger a depressive episode. Subsequent depressive episodes may occur with or without an obvious trigger.
 - More than 80% of people with clinical depression can be successfully treated. With early recognition, intervention, and support, most people can overcome clinical depression and become productive again.

Often depression is seen as an individual problem, but what do we know about relationships and depression? Do you think there might be a link between the quality of our relationship and our risk for feeling depressed? Here is what Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight, “The quality of our love relationship is a big factor in how mentally and emotionally healthy we are. We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression in our most affluent societies. Conflict with and hostile criticism from loved ones increases our self-doubts and create a sense of helplessness, classic triggers for depression. We need validation from our loved ones. Researchers say that marital distress raises the risk for depression tenfold!”

Given the current state of the world and the U.S. economy, many of us may be feeling extra pressure, increse stress and anxiety. All of these things can be triggers for feeling down, blue, helpless, or depressed. If you feel this way reach out to someone…one of the best solutions for depression is connection. Try to connect with your spouse or with a good friend. If you don’t have someone you can connect with, seek help from a professional counselor. We don’t need to be alone in this crazy time, and today is a time where we can assess ourselves and make a change. Many of us may not be clinically depressed and yet we can still depressed at times. In those times our body is responding to the stress and pressures by shutting down. This is where our connection to others becomes that safe haven that is so important. Find a place in your relationship where you can have a buffer to the stress in life. We all need a mini-vacation from the pressures we feel and our safe haven relationships and those emotional connections provide such a place. This was long today so I leave you with my family doing a “hip hip horray” cheer to make you feel better. One thing we always say in our family, “YOU CAN DO IT!”

Some families have a family motto. For some it may say, “work hard, play hard,” or “love one another.” I think our family has several and one that is above our kitchen table states, “enjoy the journey.” This weekend we were reminded of this simple yet important phrase. As I listened to the counsel I thought of the importance of the message and the power in living it. Rather than holding on to yesterday and longing for tomorrow, we need to find a way to fully embrace today. As we embrace today, let us find a way to enjoy the small moments….especially those moments in time that are filled with caring relationships. Can we work to create moments with our kids and spouse that will become lasting memories? I asked my kids what this phrase meant and here are some of their responses:
Beaudry: Enjoy life while you still have it.
Cooper: Take a vacation.
Maci: Have a good family!
Braunson: Have a fun time in what you are doing and try to enjoy it instead of thinking of the negative (something we’ve been working on lately)
What does it mean for you? How are you doing at this task? I’ll admit that there are times when I look forward to the future and long for the next stage in life. We were reminded to enjoy this time in our life when the toys are every where, and our house is filled with noise. Even though this motto is on our wall and something we pledge to do, I am going to focus on it a little more. As I work (and I hope you will too) to enjoy the journey, I hope to find ways to express more gratitude, show my appreciation, and let those around me know of my love and care. I plan to capture the moments and hold on to them just long enough to see if I can, even if only for a moment, slow down time.
Sunday afternoon we went to one of our favorite places. We seem to hit it each year on this weekend in search of changing and falling leaves. Cami captured this shot and it reminds me to enjoy the journey because it only lasted a few seconds and yet it represents the feeling of our adventure.

Last night we finished reading “My Side of the Mountain,” my favorite book from my childhood. The main character, Sam, ran away from the city to live in the mountains. He ran away for several reasons…felt lost in his family because there were so many kids, didn’t like the craziness of the big city, and he always heard stories of his great grandfather and how he lived off the land. Just as I finished reading the last page, Beaudry yelled out, “That is not a good ending. For such a good story that is not a good ending.” Basically, in the story Sam’s mother decided if he wasn’t coming home, then she would bring home to him. The entire family moved to the woods to live with him…which says something about family and mothers, but it wasn’t at all the way Beaudry thought this exotic adventure should end.
Do you have times in your life when you find yourself saying, “this is not a good ending” when it comes to an event or period of your life? Sure we have certain circumstances or ending that our out of control, but we always have the ability to choose our own ending. I had a football coach who always preached, “Life isn’t about what happens, it is about how you react.” One key in life that is so very, very true is our ability to choose. Even when we let others choose for us, we choose to give up our choice. Choices are a basic part of life.
When it comes to end of any chapter of our life, I hope we find ways to choose the ending we want. How can you see it differently and find the good in the experience? How can you rewrite the script to help other characters come together for a happy ending?
Last night, after Beaudry made it clear that it wasn’t a good ending, we each took turns telling our own end to this childhood story. Beaudry and Braunson each had a version where Sam continued to live on his own, enjoying the wilderness, the animals, and a few visitors from the city. I thought he would finally decide life at home wasn’t so bad and head back. I guess in my own childhood world in a house filled with kids I always longed to be home.