As you prepare for the upcoming Holidays here is a key to making them a success….make time to touch base with your spouse. This time of year is one of the best times to create new memories, celebrate lasting traditions, and reunite with friends and family. This time of year is also one of the most dangerous for marriages as they often take a back seat to all the holiday flare. January is a marriage counselors busiest time. As we prepare to celebrate Thankgiving remember it isn’t the amount of turkey you eat or the number of guests you serve…it is about keeping connected with those you love.
One of the best things we can do during a holiday gathering is make sure that we are on the same page as our spouse. Often one of us is replaced and neglected during this time. One or both of us carry added stress and if we don’t keep the connection with our spouse we lose our safe haven and stress reducer. It only takes a few minutes so plan a few “time outs” where you and your spouse can touch base before, during, and after a gathering. Sneak into the kitchen to share a compliment and share a moment together. Let the other know that you are thinking of them and that you are still paying attention to them. Give each a few deposits into the emotional bank account and you’ll find that you’ll be in a much better place when the holiday ends. Just because we are going on vacation doesn’t mean that we can let our relationship take a vacation. This can be a critical time to keep building and working to stay connected. Enjoy!! I love this time of year and I know I’ll love it more if I can do my part to stay connected to Cami and enjoy these holidays TOGETHER!!!

I love holidays and Thanksgiving brings with it so many reasons to be excited. Braunson and Beaudry celebrated their 9th birthday on Saturday and their party has begun a week long celebration. In our family we try to stretch holidays to the fullest, sometimes celebrating an event for several days. We have so much to be thankful for and this is a great time to show it.
All month we have focused on building our relationships and building our emotional bank accounts. Did you know that we are less likely to be “emotional accountants” when our bank is full? When our relationships are going well we spend less time keeping track of who did what. Also, when we have a reserve in our relationship account we face less threats. The threats are still there but the reserve acts as a buffer and what might be stressful or threatening in another moment is less threatening now. Our relationship can provide us a safe haven and offer us protection.
As you prepare for Thanksgiving I ask each of you to take time this week to be thankful for your relationships. Showing appreciation and graditude to those we love can add huge deposits into our emotional bank account. Knowing we are loved, appreciated, and cared for does so much to our self-worth and confidence. Take time to be thankful for your relationships!

When I write about relationships I prefer to write about principles that will help us create emotional connections rather than specific behaviors. While at my training I heard a scary fact that moves me to discuss something very specific…dinner time. Did you know that 67% of American families no longer eat dinner together. And of those who report eating dinner together, half report eating dinner with the TV on. That means that around 16% of American families use dinner time to create a setting where family members can be both accessible and emotionally responsive…two important keys for emotional connection. There are serveral studies that highlight the difference in families who do and do not spend this time together. I ask you the simple question, “How is your dinner time?”
I’ll admit that our dinner time can take many different forms. There are times when we miss it all together. Other times we have more noise than eating, and still other times Cami and I prefer to feed the kids, send them away, and then enjoy a quiet meal together. Most nights we try to have each one share something about their day. It has become so routine that when I come home from work even Preslie asks, “how was your day.” The key isn’t so much about what your meal time looks like, the research shows that it is the rituals that mean the most. When we are consistent in planning time together (meal times or any other time), the dependability of knowing that the ritual takes place brings security to a family. Meal time can provide opportunity for connections, even if it doesn’t appear to be the most meaningful emotional connections. Over time there will be small moments that add to that emotional bank account both on a individual level and for the entire family. One thing that I remember growing up was dinner with the family. It is hard to remember a time when we were not all there together. Enjoy your meal!!

I hope you are doing well. I had one of the best weekends in San Fransico. First, the weather was amazing…no clouds and 80+ each day. Second, I spend two full days being trained by the world’s leading researcher on marriage and relationships. I took a ton of notes and over the next few weeks I’ll try to share some of them with you. The bottom line is that we know so much about what works and what doesn’t work. We know so much about how to help couples find happiness and how to build connections. If you need a book to read I would still encourage Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. My second favorite book is by John Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I’ve given this book to so many couples over the years that I have to keep buying new copies. When I was in Pocatello we bought it by the box. It is a great book and easy to read and understand.
Two quick points that I took away from the weekend that may be helpful as you work to build your emotional bank account this month. First, we build up our emotional reserve in the very small moments where we either turn towards or turn away. The key here is that it happens so quickly, literally in a fraction of a second. This turning towards is how we acknowledge one another, how we show interest, and how we respond. If we are not turning towards and receiving their signal, they will be less likely to try and try again.
Second, courtship and intimacy are the first victims of a planned life. If relationships are about emotional connection, then we must do all we can to create moments for connections. In the workshop they spoke about courtship and the fact that couples plan moments for connection…talking, touching, and having fun together. As couples move on in their relationship one of the first thing that leaves is the rituals of courting. It doesn’t sound romantic but the truth is that intimacy and emotional connection must be planned into our schedule or they are not likely to happen because we are too busy or preoccupied with others. I hope you are seeing the benefits of this as you are being intentional this month about building the emotional bank account in your relationship. Remember, it is the small moments that lead to bigger deposits and it is through planned moments that lead to emotional connection.

I know I’ve been focused on building our relationships and the small things we all need to do now to store up bonus points for the Holiday season, but I also want to write about the stories we live. One way of looking at life and looking at relationships is to think of them as stories we have written about who we are and how we should be. Once a script is written and we are assigned a role, life becomes acts of our play or scenes of our movie and we simply carry out our role and follow our script. Yes, we may go off script now and then, but when you look at your relationship we can see patterns that follow the script and the highs and lows of the role you play. When you like your role and you like your script then life works great. When the role you are playing or the story you are living doesn’t match who you are or where you want to go, then we run into trouble. It can be difficult to change roles or rewrite our story, but we can! I’ve worked on one of my roles and a script in my life and I can see the difference it has made in my life and in my relationships. (I’ll share the story some time but it can be quite long). The point is to think about what role you are playing and the script you are living.  How is it working for you? And who is writing this story? Do you believe you have the ability to change story lines or even become a new character?
If life is an outward display of an inward story and you would like something different, then begin to work on chaning your story. You can change the story of who you are and how you engage with others. You can change the story of your relationship and make it the type of relationship that builds security, offers support, and provides comfort. As we work to build our relationships this month, I hope that each of us will see a new story developing in our lives that we can shape and create. Rather than approach the holidays with the same old story line, let us start with a story we enjoy. 
Okay, now I’m off to San Fran. and a weekend date with Gottman!

I hope you are finding success as you focus your attention this month on the task of building your relationship. One way to increase the security in the relationship is to love one another in a way that works for each spouse. Gary Chapman, author of the 5 love languages, uses the idea of languages to help us understand the need to love others in a way that speaks to them. If I speak French and Cami speaks Spanish, I can speak all the French I want and we will struggle to understand one another. The key is to learn your own love language, or to learn the way you feel loved. We also need to focus on loving our spouse using their love language.
According to Chapman, the 5 love languages are:
– Words of Affirmation
– Quality Time
– Receiving Gifts
– Acts of Service
– Physical Touch
When working with couples I may ask them to rank order the love languages for their spouse. I would suggest you try it and then compare answers. The important piece is to know how you and your spouse feel loved and then DO IT! Love languages change from time to time so we need to continually update our love maps and our knowledge about our relationship. Stay tuned in and change the way you love to match what your spouse needs. I know over the weekend I learned that Cami’s love language has changed. Now I can focus on loving her in a way that works and know that as I do this, I will be building and strengthening our relationship.

As you work on your plan to build your emotional bank account this month, I want you to check out John Gottman’s site. If you click on his name it will take you to his self-help section. Gottman is one of the leading researchers when it comes to relationships and his tips are a sure way to strengthen your relationship. I’m so excited because Cami and I are heading to Palm Springs tomorrow. I’ll work, she will play, and we will enjoy time without kids….adding deposits to our bank account. Next week I’m heading to a training by John Gottman so gear up because I’ll be brining you all the latest research. Until I return, enjoy a final picture from Halloween.
                                              

Today is the BIG day!!! Whether you are political in nature or not, today is a day of change. Both presidential candidates speak of creating change and either way there will be change as we have new leaders beginning in different levels of government. Each has a platform about what they believe will be best for us and for our country. Let me share with you part of my platform:
Here at emotionally married, I believe that the more secure we feel in our loving relationships, the better people we become. If we want to change our family or change our community, we need to first start with our marriage. I know in my own family that I’m a much better parent when I feel close to Cami. When I don’t feel secure it is more difficult to be patient and caring with my kids. The way we feel in our key relationships impacts not only the way we act, but the way we feel about ourselves. From attachment theory we have one of my favorite statements about self worth. Attachment theory believes that self worth is knowing that you matter in someone else’s mind. Wow! Everytime I think about the impact of that statement I can see image after image of how that is true. Build the emotional connection between you and your spouse and it will build your self worth. As you feel better about yourself, you will find greater compassion and greater concern for those around you.
As we build our emotional bank accounts this month, one important way to create a deposit is to find ways to show the other how much we care and how much they matter. What messages can we send to show them just how important they are in our life and in our family? How can we build them up and help them feel appreciated?

Welcome to a new week and a new month. I want to issue everyone a challenge for the month of November. Have you checked out the squirrels yet? No, that’s not my challenge but it will help you understand it. The squirrels in our yard have put on some extra weight (again, not my challenge). The point I’m trying to make is that this is the time of year to store up and build a reserve. The squirrels are preparing for the long cold winter, and we too need to store up and prepare. For some of us we need to make sure we have a reserve because our winters are long and cold and this can challenge our happiness and energy levels.
My challenge to each of you is to use the month of November to put as many deposits as possible in your emotional bank account. Each relationship has an emotional bank account that serves as the keeper of the good things we do to build our relationship. Just like a financial bank account, the goal is to put in more than we withdraw. And like financial bank accounts, we each respond differently based on our reserve level. For some $500 brings security while other need $5000 and other $50,000 to feel secure. The goal for each of us is the same…build up a reserve in our emotional bank account to keep us at a level that maintains and insures our security.
Why focus on this now and for the month of November? We need to focus on our relationships now and build up our reserves because the end of November brings us to the holiday season which is prime time to neglect relationships. People are so busy and we focus on so many great things, yet often our prized relationships become less of a focus. We need to build the reserves now so that we will have the relationship strength to draw upon during the wonderful holiday time.
So begin now, make goals and develop a plan on the many different ways you can build your relationship, add to your reserves, and build your emotional bank account. We will be posting suggestions throughout the month on the different ways we can strenghten our relationships. Good luck!