We just returned from Coeur d’Alene where I taught several workshops at the Idaho Counseling Association Annual Conference. Cami brought the kids and crashed the conference. She told the kids they were going to the dentist so it was quite the surprise when they walked into the Coeur d’Alene Resort. They saw the stretch limo, the huge revolving door and Braunson and Beaudry yelled out, “We are like the sweet life of Zac and Cody.” They swam, walked on the beach, and ordered in pizza. They had the time of their life…while I worked.
One of the highlights for me was teaching a one day workshop to counselors about how to help others create close connections. I took a lot of what we discuss here and tied it to counseling interventions. It was so fun to see their excitement and to see them become motivated in their beliefs that couples can have a closeness in their relationship. We spoke a lot about vulnerability and the keys of being accessible and emotionally responsive.  I hope you all remember two of my favorite phrases…”safe haven and secure base.”
I also left the weekend excited about what we know and what we can do to have close connections. I hope you begin this fun new month focusing on the many small moments where we can feel safe, secure, and close to those who matter most.
                                          

I missed Christmas cards this year… so here’s the next best thing:  Some highlights from our year.  I hope to always “remember when” our children were little: although it’s consuming it’s what we know and love right now.  Mark you are wonderful and there is nobody I would rather take this parnethood journey with than you.  Click on the link below to see our year in review.

http://www.slide.com/r/djGlrH-s4z8g7IQdFmmJndQkpu2p0PG1?view=original

Much of what we write about is focused on our relationships and the emotional closeness we hope to experience. Occassionally we speak about ourselves and what we can do to build our self-worth. Are they connected, and if so, how? Ask yourself this: “Does the way you feel about yourself influence the way you feel about others?” Also ask yourself this: “Does the way you feel about yourself influence the way you interact with other?”
From my point of view the answer to both of these questions is a really big YES! What do you think?
If the answer is yes, then the next question is “how?” The way we feel about ourselves is based on our self-image and self-worth. When I think about this concept I picture a stack of evidence that proves or reinforces my view of self. If I feel good and confident, then I can recall many instances that prove or support this position. If I feel bad about myself, if I don’t believe in myself, or if I don’t like myself…then I can recall many instances that prove or support this position as well. These stacks of evidence can become what some have called a ‘perceptual filter.’ Our perceptions of ourselves serve as filters to what we pay attention to and what we remember. Basically, we look for things that reinforce the existing perceptions. Research has also found that there is a link between an individual’s self-worthiness and his or her expectations about the responsivenes and availability of others. Simply put: how I feel about myself influences what I expect from others. Addition research has also found that our expectations influence how we act. So…putting these all together I believe that how each of us feels about ourselves influences what we expect and how we interact in our relationships. Rather than focus on what our spouse is or is not doing, a lot of good can be done in our relationships if we work to change how we see ourselves. I love it when I work with someone and they work to believe they deserve closeness. As they change their self-worth they change the way they interact in their relationships.
Can you see this working in your relationship?

With all the changes that happened this week I want to take a moment and bring some of the focus to our relationships. Whether you voted for Obama or not, I hope you can find some strength in his message and in what the world needs right now. I was watching a piece on his life last night and one of the keys I heard him say was “Dream big dreams.” He said, “often we sell ourselves short.” I believe in relationships we often sell ourselves short and for some reason stop dreaming big dreams. I can’t remember a couple who, when they were dating, didn’t dream for something big. Didn’t we all dream of a good, if not, great relationship? Didn’t we dream that we would be a great spouse or partner and that we would be happy in our relationship? Do you still dream big dreams?
To put it lightly, I am a dreamer. I always have and I sure hope I always will. I can dream about anything and they tend to be big. When it comes to life I have big dreams for myself, my relationship, and my family. This doesn’t mean that I’m not happy…remember a key in being emotionally married is finding joy in the journey! I believe we need a balance between finding now joy (being happy where we are) and being able to dream of how we can be better. Quoting another person I love dearly “we all need to try to be a little better.”
I hope you look at this year and have big dreams for yourself, your family, and especially your relationship. Gottman’s research supports the fact that healthy, happy relationships have high (yet realistic) expectations. Dream big dreams, and encourage your relationship to dream big as well.

I thought I’d share some interesting facts about what we thought we knew and what we now know about couples and relationships. The history of couples counseling is still relatively new and some of the ‘founding ideas’ have been proven to be the oppostive of what really works.
In the 1960’s, one of the main forms of couples therapy was to give each partner a foam rubber bat and allow them the opportunity to air their resentments. The belief was that if each person shared all their built up anger, even if hitting was needed, this would clear the air and allow the couple a clean place to start from. We now know that airing resentment does not clear the air and does not make the couple move to a fresh new place. Instead it only builds more resentment. Hopefully you’ve never taken part in this form of therapy (using foam rubber bats), either at home or in an office.
In the 70’s one of the main interventions was to help couples write up contingency contracts…’I'll do __________, if you do _________.” The main principle was called quid pro quo and based on the “give to get.” We know now that the reciprocity concept is a hallmark of an ailing relationship, not a happy one. We become ‘affective accountants’ when things are not going well. When we are not happy in our relationship we are more likely to keep track of who does what and how often. When things are going well we are more likely to focus our attention on other things and allow greater freedom in who does what.
One last one: Therapy was a place to help couples “control their emotions” and when one or both partners were emotional they were seen as out of control. The goal was to help the couple suppress their emotion and allow ‘reason’ to control the relationship. We now know that people do not make decisions on reason alone, we make decisions based on emotion. More importantly, and most importantly for us here…we now know that expressing emotion does not mean that you are out of control and in fact, emotion is central to understanding one another, having compassion, and creating change. The goal for relationships is now about helping us have emotional connections. Please make this your focus…our success as couples depends on our ability to create emotional connections in our relationship.

Happy New Year a few days late. I do wish you the best this year and hope you feel confident about your direction as we start 2009. For some a new year means a new beginning; forget the old, start something new. For others it is a challenge not to repeat what happened the year before. As we head into this new year I want us to really look at our relationships and think about what we want this year. In counseling there is a technique called the “miracle question.” It goes like this: What if tonight while you are sleeping a miracle happens and what ever your problem is, it is now gone. Since you were asleep when the miracle occurred, no one has told you that a miracle occurred. How would you know if a miracle had taken place? What changes would you see? What would be different? What would you do differently now that the miracle had occurred? The goal is to help us change our focus from only seeing the problem to seeing possibilities and solutions. So if a miracle occurred in 2009, what would be different in your life? How would you know and what would you do differently?
When it comes to our lives and our relationships I hope we can focus on solutions and move past the problems. It is easy to see what isn’t happening or what hasn’t worked in the past. Rather than spend our time there, let us focus on the possibilities. I heard this great commercial on the way to work this morning that helped me reframe my own life. A caller stated that they had fallen off the “exercise wagon” and needed help. The person on the other line said that there is no such thing as an exercise wagon. When it comes to exercising there is only rest between sets. The voice encouraged the caller to stop taking their rest between sets and start again.
I hope this year brings all of us happiness, joy, and security in our lives and in our relationships. Let us move from our rest and start exercising our abilities to strengthen our relationships. What will you do?