Part of the theory behind emotionally married is Attachment Theory. John Bowlby began writing about this need for connection back in the 1950’s. He believed and studied the idea that seeking and maintaining contact with significant others was an innate and primary motivating force.  Attachment theory states that we all need other people and this relationship or ‘attachment bond’ is one of the most important pieces to life. Research in this area has proven that we are all dependent, even if our modern society would rather paint a picture of independence as the sought after image. We all need other people to help us get through life.
It is these emotional connections that change every aspect of any given day. From the smallest moments like waking up in the morning and knowing that you matter in someone else’s mind to a moment of complete fear where your parent, friend, or lover holds you and strokes your hair…who we are with and how we are connected makes all the difference.
Over the next week or so I am going to give us all an overview of attachment theory and some of the key principles that can help us achieve this close connection and become emotionally married.
To begin think about this: The more securely attached you are the more separate and different you can be. Healthy relationships represent this interdependent balance between relying on others to help meet your needs and being self-reliant.

Wow, another week has gone by. Time flies when it’s full of kids. I hope your V-Day was great and that you found a way to slow down, change your pace, and change your focus. Cami and I each worked to ask the questions I suggested and it was fun to hear the answers. Now we are here at another weekend and this time we are celebrating Cooper and Maci’s 6th birthdays. Hard to believe our little ones are getting so big (and old). Birthdays are fun because it is a day when you are the focus and all the attention is given to you.
How we celebrate holidays is part of our formal rituals of connecting. Most of us have traditional ways we celebrate specific holidays. For us, no matter if it is my birthday or one of the kids, we have streamers. Decorating the house is part of what you look forward to and part of the surprise. We get to eat our favorite meals and have surprise treats that are special to us. These formal rituals are important because they serve as celebrations of relationships and celebrations of people. I’ll post a picture of Cooper when we have one that shows how mature he is getting. Check out our little Miss Maci.
                                               

One thing I try to stress is the importance of changing our focus and changing our pace. The realistic relationship realizes that we have other tasks, other committment, and other interests besides our spouse. The realistic relationship doesn’t expect passion and romance every minute or every day. The key to emotional connection is being accessible and emotionally responsive at times when both people can attune to one another. This weekend gives us a great opportunity to slow down and savor the positive emotions in our marriage. Creating the positive emotions will be even better if we can slow down and savor the moment. Enjoy the moment, live in the present, and connect. If we enjoy and even celebrate the connection it will become more and more precious and reflect the good relationship you have. Take some time this weekend to discuss the good memories. Here are a few suggestions of topic areas that can help us savor the moment and slow down enough to create a connection.
1. List 5 characteristics that you find endearing or lovable about the other person.
2. Discuss one of your most memorable dates before you were married.
3. Pick on of your most surprising dates since you’ve been married.
4. Discuss a belief about life that you both have in common.
5. Discuss one characteristic of the other that makes you proud.
6.Discuss a time when your spouse was most supportive of you.
7. Discuss a dream you hope to accomplish together in the next 5 years.
8. Share with each other one vacation or date you hope to take with each other in the next year.
9. Share one way your spouse shows you their love.

 Enjoy what ever you do and remember…it isn’t about the presents or even the activity of the date. Valentine’s Day is about creating moments where we can connect emotionally and change our focus for a few moments. Enjoy!

I was at the store the other day and noticed a lot of men shopping (and I was one of them). I always think it is fun to see the look on their faces as they try to find something for their special someone. I think it is great that we have a day that encourages us to show and express our love to others. We need to learn from this and work to make it part of our relationship and not just a holiday tradition. The keys to being emotionally married are accessibility and emotional responsiveness. This means that both partners are available to the other and that we respond in an emotional way when the other bids for a connection. One of the things research has shown us about couples who are stable and happy in their relationship is the fact that they build rituals of connection - both formal and informal. What you do for Valentine’s Day would be seen as a formal ritual of connection, something planned and often something that is part of a tradition. We can and should have many formal rituals that we can count on to bring us closer together. Couples should find ways that help them be accessible and responsive and use those events or venues again and again. We should also build informal rituals of connection where we turn toward one another in a way that each person can count on. Informal connections can include how you leave and return each day, what happens when one gets sick, or when one has a good or bad day at work.
Valentine’s Day helps us change our focus and change our pace to make our relationship a priority, even if only for a day or maybe a few hours. I find that the couples I work with have greater success when they “fight for their marriage.” We need to learn from Valentine’s Day and make our relationship a priority, even when the calendar doesn’t tell us to. We need to build informal and formal rituals of connection where we can work to become accessible and emotionally responsive. Sure cards, flowers, movies, and dinner are nice, AND we need to learn to connect through our every day interactions. Being emotionally married is more about the everyday connection than it is about the connections we create when we are on vacation.

Often I hear couples complain about the lack of appreciation and lack of respect in their marriage. When these are lacking it can be difficult to maintain a happy, open relationship where both people feel understood and cared for. So how do we build a relationship where appreciation and respect are found? John Gottman points out several ways to build this new culture. 1) Catch your partner doing something right and thanking him or her. It can be easy to point out when someone fails or forgets to do something. It is another thing to be aware of and seek out opportuntities to catch them doing something right. 2)Cultivate a habit in which you scan the environment for things to appreciate and to respect in the other. We should enter a room or conversation looking for the good instead of looking for the bad. When you see a room, do you see the toy that was left or the 10 that were put away. When your husband helps with the dishes do you see the 10 that are clean, or the one that was left on the table? 3) Employ politeness and consideration. Our family can see us at our worst…and this isn’t a good thing. We shouldn’t use all of our manners and patience with those outside our home. Leave some energy and “nerves” so you can be polite and consider the needs of others.
As you work to change the culture in your home and marriage, you’ll find others will join you in this change. Good deeds will be met with good deeds…even if it takes a while don’t give up.

This year the dates have lined up to give us all a fun weekend to look forward to. Valentine’s Day is on Saturday so we have another reason to make is special. One way to make this day count is to build up to your date or special evening by doing small things throughout the week to put “deposits” in your emotional bank account. If you start building now, you will find that the weekend may go better than planned. Some small things you can do now is to 1)find time to check in just a little while longer each day. Finding out about each other’s day is a good way to build your love maps. If you are all ‘caught up’ on the small stuff, then this weekend you can move to more interesting topics. 2)Find ways to take care of yourself. This may not seem like a helpful hint, but it really is. If you are tired or stressed all week, you will have less to give on that special day. Find small ways to de-stress and try to build up some extra energy so you will be more giving, more patient, and more caring this weekend. 3)Clean your ‘glasses.’ What I mean by cleaning our glasses is that each of us need to work on how we see ourselves and how we see our partner or spouse. Our lens filter out what doesn’t fit and filter in what confirms our beliefs. If we head into the weekend with negative beliefs about the day, our relationship, or our spouse…our glasses will focus on the negatives and we will miss out on so much. Begin to check your perceptions and work to focus on the positives NOW so that you’ll be a better ‘receiver of love’ this weekend. Little bits of effort all week will pay big dividends this weekend.

                                  
Hey you might have noticed our home page has an update in the “News” section. Cami and I are so excited to announce our first scrapbook class through Big Picture Scrapbooking. What we have tried to accomplish is a project that allows people to take their love of scrapbooking and use it to reflect on their marriage. It’s an online class so you can download the material and work on it when you have time. Even if you don’t scrapbook a lot, Cami walks you through step by step on how to create the project. We hope you’ll have fun looking at your marriage while you have a good time scrapbooking.