Growing up, and even now, I’ve never had a nickname. On occasion, Cami might call me ‘Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch,’ but that rarely happens. I know some people have a nickname that becomes their main identity, while others have several that they may be called. If you were to ask Preslie, our youngest, she would tell you that she calls me ‘Troy.’ You see we recreate many of the songs from High School Musical 3 on a daily basis. We do it so much that when I speak to Preslie on the phone or when I tell her good night, her response is “I love you Troy.” It has been a lot of fun to engage with her in this way, to see her be a performer, and to see what parts of the movie/dance that she holds onto. Our favorite song that we sing and dance to is “Can I have this dance.” Click here to see the video of the song. Continuing on the principles of Narrative Therapy - stories gain meaning as we tell and re-tell them again and again. As we replay certain events, they become part of who we are and how we view life. I love the fact that Preslie and I dance again and again to this song because it is a great song about love and relationships. Hopefully she is developing a strong sense of what a relationship can be, even if for now she thinks its just fun to dance with her dad.
A few lines from the beginning of the song are these: Troy sings “Will you promise me that we’ll keep dancing where ever we go next.” While he sings this, Gabriel sings “Now won’t you promise me that you’ll never forget to keep dancing  where ever we go next.” Some of the first things that leave in a relationship are fun, adventure, excitement, and courting. Dating is all about the dance (chase) and good relationships continue to dance where ever they go next. There are so many great lines in the song and if we were to dance to this song daily, I think we would remember how great it is to have found someone that makes us feel the way we do. Whether you dance each day, we all need to remember to create the feelings of this dance in our relationship. Now enjoy Preslie as she gives you part of her solo performance.

Sometimes I quote those who I see as leaders in the world of relationships and sometimes I teach principles I read in books. Tonight I want to share my thoughts as they are. In my living room is a tent city where Maci, Cooper, and Preslie are sleeping with three of their friends. Braunson and Beaudry are of course sleeping together in another room, because they would always choose each other. Cami is in her scrapbook room with her good friend (I would say best friend, but I reserve that position for me). And I’m writing to you.
I look at each of these groups in my home and it highlights the importance of being with those who we consider “our people…” those people who we hold as close, special, and personal.
If you’ve read my blog you know I hold relationships as one of the most important aspects of life. I often say that it isn’t about winning or losing. It isn’t about how you play the game (or how you live life), it is who you play with. I often say that being emotionally married, or emotionally connected, to those who are most important in our life (spouse, kids, family) is what life is all about.
Over the last couple of weeks, my family and friends have had a loss. With this loss we have had to look at some of our greatest fears and decide how we will live. I hope we will always choose to live connected and live open. Trauma can move us to shut down, close off, and run away. Trauma can create fear. Fear is an emotion and emotions can be called ‘action tendencies’ (they move us to action). Fear is an emotion of movement…it should move us towards those who can offer safety and comfort. When we use fear to move away, we end up alone. Then we end up facing fear alone.
I think one of the scariest times in life is when we are alone. I’ve seen someone so close to me be all alone, and I’ve seen this person push on and begin to open up again. No one wants to be alone, we all long for connection.
Why am I writing this…because this is me. I day dream and think each day about life and how we all long to be together. I read book after book about all the facts about how to make marriage work. I see couples and individuals learning to open up and connect. Yet, I know that there are many who are scared to open up. People who have been hurt and choose to close off, shut down, or put a wall of protection around them. It is lonely in this place. We all need to find ways to connect, to risk being vulnerable. We need to face the traumas in our life and find ways to love ourselves enough to see that we each deserve to connect. When we are connected life is so much better.
Wow, that felt good. This is from me! You deserve to connect and be loved. We all do.

Have you ever thought about what stories you would want to be told at your funeral? For some this may be a fun exercise to reflect on the experiences and memories of their life. For others this may cause anxiety as they think about the meaning of their life and what their lasting legacy might be. Regardless, we all have many stories of each day and week of our lives that could be told about us at our funeral or any other time. The reality is that we have hundreds of stories and yet we seem to repeat certain stories again and again. The stories we tell carry with them meaning that can shape our perceptions, thinking, and they can even shape our lives.
Have you ever taken the time to listen to the stories you tell about yourself and your relationships? What is the focus of your stories…do you tell stories based on hopes or based on fears? A form of therapy is called Narrative Therapy and it believes that “the way people replay and recast memories, day by day, deepens and reshapes their larger life story. And as it evolves, that larger story in turn colors the interpretation of the scenes in our lives.” People’s life narratives are condensations and abstractions. They contain only a small portion of the events and circumstances of their lives. Of the countless events that occur each day, only a few are storied and given meaning.
We can choose the stories we tell and as we change our stories we can change our perceptions as well. When we focus on new or alternate stories we highlight unstoried events and can encourage meaning making around those events. As we make change our focus and change the stories we tell, we can begin to change our lives and our relationships.
Next time you are talking about yourself and your relationships, take a minute to listen to the stories that you tell.

Today we are having one of those days where you realize life is all about those you love. We lost a dear friend this morning and are dealing with all that comes with that. Death puts life into perspective. It helps you realize where your priorities are and what you want your legacy to be. To me, relationships are at the top of my list. Memories with my family, fun adventures with my kids, and every small moment with my wife are what makes my life worth living. I try to live my life to the fullest, taking it as it comes, and enjoying the journey. We never know what the future will bring, so we need to capture all that the present offers to us.

We’ve all been hurt in our lives. Each time we are hurt there is a part of us that says, “Never again.” This can become a very loud and strong warning device when we’ve been hurt in a vulnerable way or by someone who was very close to us. When we have been hurt, one way we protect ourselves from being hurt again is to shut down or close off part of who we are. We believe we are less likely to be hurt again if we keep part of ourselves hidden. We may also believe that if we are to get hurt again, it will hurt less if we haven’t opened up as much. This may all be true, but are there down sides to being so protective?

The keys to creating a secure connection are mutual accessibility and emotional responsiveness. Can we be accessible and responsive to others if we keep part of us hidden or if we are closed off? To some degree yes, and to some degree no. What we will find is that we can still have a good relationship. We can still have a good connection. We will still have great times together. Opening up, sharing who we are, and being vulnerable are necessary (yet sometimes scary) steps to developing a deeper connection. This connection answers the question “Can I count on you to be there for me when I need you?” If we are hidden or protective, then the answer is either a no or maybe. This uncertainty can lead to insecurity and put us back in a cycle of coping and protecting.

In good relationships, are both partners always accessible and responsive? The answer is no. The reality is that we all close off and we all shut down. Healthy relationships have flexibility and can help each person open up when they are closed off. We each need to look at ourselves and find ways to be more willing to open up with those around us. How can we help our spouse want to be more open with us…and how can we enjoy the times when we are both accessible and responsive?

What a crazy time this is for many, if not all, of us. More and more I hear people talking about the economy in their everyday language. No more is this topic saved for talk show hosts and specific groups of people…now everyone is talking about it. Finances and the challenges around money are always listed in the top 5 stresses in a marriage. For many it is right near the top of the list right now. So how do you get a break from all this stress?
The answer….if it is coming from me then you know it is about your relationship. Anxiety and depression are natural responses to disconnection and emotional connection is the solution to anxiety and stress. Our relationship should be a place of anxiety reduction…not a place of anxiety production. What we are finding and will continue to find in the next few months is that people’s relationship satisfaction is going to take a major hit just like many people’s 401Ks and their stock portfolios. Many people pull away from those who are close in an attempt to put up walls of protection. They hope that distance will ease the stress and give them room to cope. For some this does help, if only for a while, but for many this results in isolation and loneliness.
The answer is acutally the opposite. We need to tune into our emotions as they try to tell us to seek out shelter and find comfort in those around us. In the face of fear we need to go towards those who care rather than away.
How do you and your spouse find relief? We need a handful of ideas and fail-proof (or recession-proof) ways to connect. We need moments in our day or week where we can change our pace and change our focus. Are you feeling stress…then take a break with your spouse. You’ll both be better off when you do.

From time to time Cami is asked what it is like to be married to a marriage counselor. I enjoy hearing about these conversations because they bring good insight into the reality of our relationship, which is…I think we have all struggles. John Gottman talks about the desire of having a ‘good enough’ relationship. The reality is that all relationships will have struggles (that’s part of life). A good enough relationship can manage the difficulties in the journey and find ways to benefit both partners.
From time to time I have to step back and ask myself if I believe and do those things I ask others to do. This weekend was a prime example of this. For years I have longed for and dreamed about creating a relationship retreat where couples could escape the busy pace of life and focus on what matters most. This weekend Cami and I escaped to Priest Lake, Idaho for some R & R and some fun in the snow. While we were there I was telling Cami all about my dreams for a relationship retreat. During this discussion she asked about the principles I would teach.
As I started into the sharing of my dream, I realized I had the opportunity to apply or test some of these principles right then. You know that one of the main focuses of emotionally married is being accessible and emotionally responsive. Well, that is what we tried to do. Sure it was fun to be without kids, and sure it was fun to get back on a snowmobile…but those were just two things that provided us the venue to re-connect. We worked on being open and available to the other and then responsive and engaged.
A great weekend isn’t just about the events or attractions…it needs to be about the connection you can create. The great thing about this is that we don’t need Mexico, Hawaii, or even a cabin retreat to create moments where we can connect. Sometimes it helps to have an atmosphere that helps in creating the moments to connect, but we can create these anywhere.
Bottom line: I do work to use the principles of emotionally married to better my relationship. Am I perfect at it? Who is? The key is that we realize that a good relationship is one that is worked on and enjoyed a long the way.

Continuing my review of attachment theory, I must bring up two of my most common principles of attachment…accessibility and emotional responsiveness. Attachment theory is all about the bond between two people. The goal is to establish security in our life from the type of emotional connection in our relationship. When we see security as our number one goal, the question becomes - “How do you build a secure relationship?” The answer is found in building a relationship where each person (parent and child or husband and wife) are both accessible and emotionally responsive to one another.
The key to accessbility is that you can truly reach, connect, touch, or access the other person. You can be physically present and emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable. I hear this often where one person will say, “I wasn’t unavailable. I may have been on the computer or watching t.v., but I could still connect with you.” We all have a number of things that can become barriers to our level of accessiblity. Emotional availablity and the trust that this engagement is going to be there is most important. Think about parenting, often it isn’t the amazing conversation that makes the difference, it’s the fact that the child knows their parent is home or available when needed.
The second key to security is being responsive. This is where one person accesses the other and the second person responds to the bid for connection. When there is no response a message is sent that says, “your signal doesn’t matter to me” and there is no connection. Time and time again I’ve worked with couples where the lack of a response defined partners as ‘unloving,’ ‘distant,’ ‘dis-engaged,’ or ‘unsafe.’ If you think about how crucial it is to have a response from those who matter most, it is easy to understand how any response, even anger, is better than nothing. In response to the anger in a relationship, I’ve had people say, “they wouldn’t be angry if they didn’t care.” Hopefully you are working to develop better ways of responding to those who need you to be responsive.
What happens when both partners are accessible and emotionally responsive: the relationship is framed as a place of security where you know the other cares and will be there for you when you need them. You are more likely to access the other when you need comfort, support, or connection. You have a belief that the other will respond in a positive manner and you bid for a connection in a more positive manner.