The other day I was watching this DVD by Les Greenberg, one of the original founders of Emotionally Focused therapy, and he spoke about the difference between feeling emotion and expressing emotion. He spoke about research that found that people who expressed emotion in their counseling sessions improved better than those who reported after the session that they had felt emotion but did not express it. Those who do best in therapy are those who feel and express what they are feeling.
This can be key in our relationships as well. Each of us feels emotions throughout the day, and yet how many of them do we actually express? How often do we express what we are feeling to our spouse? I remember when Cami and I were first married, she would always try to get me to express what I was feeling. I would struggle because I either wasn’t aware of what I was feeling, or I didn’t express it. The lack of emotional expression makes connection difficult. Expressing emotion is key to clear communication. Emotions are like spot lights that shine to tell us what we need and what is important. Emotions also move us to act and based on what emotion we express, different behaviors will follow. Another benefit of expressing emotion is that the act of emotional expression lubricates the brain. From this lubrication within the brain, more connections are made and we can process information in a better way.
As you enage with your spouse this weekend, ask yourself this: Are you feeling or expressing your emotions?

When ever I read about “how to problem solve correctly” I usually turn the page and move on. My biggest problem with problem solving is that often couples are trying to solve the wrong problem. We try to solve the surface issue thinking that is the problem when really there is something deeper and it is missing from the conversation. Often there is deeper meaning to the conflict and we will resolve the problem a lot quicker if we can work on the deeper issue.
The Gottmans have found that 69% of all problems in relationships are what they call ‘perpetual problems.’ These are unsolvable problems because they deal with core beliefs and different ways of thinking. We can argue all we want when it comes to these topics, but if both partners see things differently the argument will go on and on. The key is to try and solve the 31% of problems that do have solutions. Here is one tip that Gottman has found most useful when working on problem solving.

1. Put off problem solving. Too often we jump straight to problem solving when an issue appears. The challenge here is that the first topic is rarely the correct topic. If we jump too quickly we will work to solve the wrong problem. In addition, jumping to the end too quickly can lack the understanding that our spouse really wants. Rather than jump to problem solving, put it off and try to discuss the topic. When discussing the topic, work to hear and understand the problem as your spouse sees it. Work to understand how it is for him or her to have this problem. Finally, work to hear their solution before offering your own.
I’ve heard both sexes say the other is too quick to problem solve. The goal here is to work on having on going discussions and developing a relationship where we can share our opinions, our feelings, and our struggles. If it is unsafe to talk about a simple issue, we will rarely go to the deeper and more important topics.

I’m writing from Vancover, Canada on my way home from Edmonton. If you’ve flown in Canada you know that they give all the flight instructions in both English and French. On my flight they even showed a movie to give us the life saving information that no one seems to listen to. Sometimes when I travel I like to see couples and families and imagine where they are going and why they are traveling. I love to see the embrace when family members see each other at the other end of the flight. Have you ever noticed the many different ways people reconnect?
Today I saw what I assume to be a wife and daughter waiting for their husband/dad. The man embraced his daughter with a long hug and a quick kiss. He then gave his wife a quick ‘half-hug’ that seemed to say, “oh, hi to you too.” Why the two different embraces for two important women in his life?
On my last trip I saw a soldier return and he seemed to have an entire family waiting for him. There were hugs all around with some lasting longer than others. When he finally arrived to what might have been his wife, there was a long embrace that didn’t seem to end.
There have research studies conducted on how people leave and reconnect at airports and their findings show that these moments can represent dynamics in our relationships. The way we reconnect after a time of distance can represent our willingness to be close and how we try to soothe one another. When we feel safe we are more likely to let others come close and we will try to be close to them. I know there are individual differences, but think about how you reconnect after some time a part.
In our relationships we have rituals of connections. How do we acknowledge one another and how we do welcome them back home? Even in our day to day we have rituals about how we come together. Take some time to think about how you reconnect and say ‘hello’ when you’ve been apart. Is it in a language that your spouse understands?

You know from time to time I need to remind myself to enjoy the moment and live in the present. Spring is finally deciding to arrive here in the Inland Northwest, and it is a good reminder to enjoy the moment when it is here. On campus it became a huge party. Kids were out playing frisbee, catch, and even sun bathing. As I walked through campus I was reminded what living in the moment is all about…being able to enjoy what we have. I was doing some reading on living in the present and this was some of what I found:
“It is in the present that one can learn to listen to oneself and to experience and start to actualize one’s potential.” Living in the present or ‘being in the present’ is a way of becoming. When we escape to either the past or the future we avoid growth and becoming.
There are many ways we can become disengaged with the present. For some they stay focused on past events or past times in their life. Some of us stay focused on what may be seen as the ‘best days of our lives’ or the worst days. For others, they avoid the present by longing for the future, counting down the days until the ‘next big thing,’ or they fear that something from the past will be repeated in the future. To live is to be in the present. When it comes to our relationships, living in the present provides us the full opportunity to create connections and enjoy the moments we have together.
As you engage in spring, work to enjoy the moments you have. You often hear the saying, ‘if you don’t like the weather wait five mintues because it will change.’ I guess then we should say, ‘if you like the weather, enjoy it NOW, because if you wait five minutes it will change.’