Do feel that you are more or less busy in the summer? Now a days, it seems like everyone remains busy all year round. Hopefully, your pace and your focus can and will shift a little as we start thinking about summer. Depending on your stage in life, summer brings with it different opportunities. In all these opportunties, I hope you use the summer as a time to connect with those who matter most. For some of us, we do this through road trips, camp outs, and family reunions. For other, they connect through working in their yard or being side by side as they watch their garden grow.
As you make your summer plans let me ask you to make connecting with your spouse a top priority. Here are some helpful points to make sure this will happen:
1. List 5 of your favorite summer activities that you and your spouse have done over the last 10 years (shorter based on time together). Then think about how you can repeat any of these this year.
2. List your top 3 summer dates (try to make these different than the more general activities listed above.) Again, think about how you can take the lead and plan some of these this summer.
3. List 2-3 places you would love to visit this summer with your spouse.
4. List 5 things you know you and your spouse could do to grow closer together this summer. This could include: going for walks, riding bikes, working in the yard, reading or praying together, making sure you hold hands as you are out with your family, sitting by each other at the ball game, enjoying a nice relaxing drink on the deck before you go to bed, spending time looking up at the stars, going to lunch, etc.
5. List 3 things you think or know your spouse would love to do, but might need help to do it. (you can connect with him or her by helping them do these things).
6. List 4 things you already do as part of your daily or weekly routine that could be done slightly different in a way that brings you together. An example could be dinner. Rather than race to do homework either before or after dinner, now that school will be out, let the kids go play while the two of you sit and talk for 15 minutes.
My family loves summer. We enjoy the longer days, the warm weather, and anything that involves time outside. With 5 kids running around it can be easy to be busy and even together, yet not connected. As I make my summer plans and begin to enjoy this fun time of year, I will use these suggestions as a way to be thoughtful in my approach to summer fun. I hope that when I’m writing about the end of summer, I’ll be doing it from a place of greater love, connection, and closeness. I hope you will too! Enjoy!

If you were to pick one word to describe your outlook on life would you choose “hope” or “fear?” I believe many of us would say hope as it seems like the better answer and no one wants to admit they live in fear. So maybe I should have put up another choice against hope? But if you don’t have fear, then does that mean you have hope? Do you live your life with hope for you and your spouse? Do you have hope in good things to come?
Why am I asking all of this? Well it seems like I’ve been noticing the amazing power in relationships when there is hope. I can see it in my own marriage and in the couples I work with. It is amazing when even a little hope returns to a relationship. If you have followed my blog, then hopefully you remember my model. Our perceptions (how we see ourselves, how we see our spouse, and how we see our relationship) influence what we expect from ourselves, our spouse, and our relationship. Our perceptions and expectations influence how we interact in our relationship. Picture this model when there is little hope. If you lack hope in yourself, your spouse, or your marriage - how does that influence what you see? How does this lack of hope influence what you expect? And finally, can you see how this lack of hope impacts how you engage and interact?
Hope is the belief that things will be okay. Hope is looking for the good and working to make things better. If we have perceptions filled with hope then we see the good in who we are. We may still see some our our faults and those of our spouse, but with hope we also see what each of us does well. Our perceptions act as filters so a hope-filled perception will filter out some of those weaknesses and help us focus on the positive.
I really believe hope and love go together. Last week I wrote about mothers and their optimistic attitude. If you love your children, doesn’t that mean you have a hope that they will be happy? When you love your spouse you hope they feel safe and secure in their life and with you.
How we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our spouse influences every interaction. When we can feel hopeful, we will turn towards our spouse and work to create connection. As we do, these connections reaffirm that our hope is true and our love is real. I sure hope you hope!

My title might not seem like it fits for my final tribute to mothers during this week of celebration, but it does. I’m asking all moms, “Are you an optimist?” I’ve been intrigued by the new book and t.v. show ‘Always looking up: the adventures of an incurable optimist’ by Michael J. Fox. I watched his show last night and can’t stop thinking about it. Today as I write about moms, I can’t help but think of how each of you must be optimists to do what you do. When your child is born as such a small, helpless individual, you must be optimistic to believe that you can somehow help this being grow, develop, and succeed. When your child begins to crawl, scream, and seek independence, you must be an optimist to believe that he or she will learn to go it all on their own. As they enter adolescents and then young adulthood, does your optimism remain? Do you still see them as the one who has it all and the one who can make it through?
Optimism will be a new topic on our site as I think it fits well with our belief in the power of perception. What does it take to be an optimist and what might be the benefits?
When I was young, I already had 4 older brothers who could do everything I could do and do it better. I already had two sisters who were prettier and more gifted, and I soon had a younger brother who replaced me in my mother’s lap. Yet my mom, like most moms, believed that I could be special. She saw in me something that only an optimist could see.
As we approach Mother’s Day 2009, I say thanks to all the maternal optimists. Those who believe in their children, husbands, and families. Those who…even when they might not believe in themselves…believe that they can make a difference in this world by giving what they have and being who they are. It is from you that other optimists are born. Last night Michael J. Fox said something that is fitting for mothers. He said, ‘its easier to be an optimist when you are not alone.’ I believe this to be true. Thanks to all you moms who are there for your children and give them the ability to face life and hope that they can be successful. Thanks to my wife who gives of her life, even when she could be doing something different, so that our kids are not alone. It is through this thank-less effort that I and many other optimists can and will impact the world. Thanks!

Out of all the qualities that are important for a mother, I believe ‘just being there’ is at or near the top of the list. Mothers don’t need to be fix-it queens, master planners, or know-it-alls. Moms just need to be there. I’ve written often about the two kinds of secure relationships - safe haven and secure base - and being there means you are providing that all important safe haven. My childhood memory was that my mom was always available…even when she probably really wasn’t. The key is the perception in the child’s mind that they can access this safe haven in a moments notice.
Have you ever noticed that slight glance every kid has when they do something good? They are looking to see if their mom noticed. It means the world to a child to know that their mom was there when they did something great. It means the world to a child to know that their mom will be there when something doesn’t go so great.
Mom’s, I know the world tells you that you need to be 101 different things. I know that your job never ends, and I know that there is so much pressure to do your job in a better way. I say, “Just be there!” Your kids will be okay in this world if they know their mom is there and that she is available. The keys to security are accessibility and responsiveness. Research has proven that a child’s anxiety decreases if they believe their parent/mom will be there for them when needed. You don’t need to know everything, and you don’t even need to solve it. Really, just being there makes the difference. Let them know you understand them….which means working to make sure you really do understand. Let them know you care and that they can turn to you.
I hope this doesn’t add another ‘to do’ to your list. I hope this allows you to cut a lot off your list and know that you being you…and you being present is the best gift a mom can give. I know it makes the world of difference for my kids and it had such an impact of me. Thank Mom for always being there for me!

This is a fun week for me as we all spend a little bit more time thinking about and honoring mothers. I believe moms deserve more than one day of honor, so let’s honor them all week.
I know fathers are important and more and more research supports the importance of a father who is present in the lives of his children. Even with this shift, the impact a mother has on her children is huge. Everything from how she speaks to what she believes helps to shape the lives and views of her children.
Friday night the kids and I were on a bike ride when Preslie yelled from behind me on her tag-a-long bike, “Mom loves pink trees.” As we were riding we were passing a row of trees that were in full bloom in a bright pink color. Preslie saw them because her mother sees them. This hasn’t always been the case.
One of our best stories in our family is the fact that 3 or 4 years ago Cami thought something new happened when she saw the pink blossoms for the first time. She was so excited to share with us that she had discovered a new kind of tree. When she told us this, I pointed out that each spring there are many pink trees but she never seemed to notice. Cami, like most moms, was so busy working with with her eyes focused on the task ahead that she failed to take in some of the simple pleasures of life. When she finally decided to slow down a bit and look up, she was amazed by what she saw.
Now fast foward to this year and all of our kids point out each and every pink tree. Whether on a bike ride or in the car, it has become a game to see how many pink trees each child can see. Because their mom changed where she placed her focus, her kids now focus on the simple pleasures of life.
Moms, I hope you realize and understand your impact. Where you focus and where you place importance in your life will be passed on to your children. Capture what is important and your children will do the same. See what is wrong in life, and your children will see all that is wrong. Find the good and enjoy the journey and your kids will think life is a fun-filled adventure.