Sorry I’ve been away. Vacation, teaching, and a move all took me a way. Life has been good and I hope your summer is ending strong. As I’ve introduced myself to new people and they find out I’m a marriage counselor, I’ve been asked a range of questions about relationships. One question I was asked was to give three simple things that someone could do right then to make them a better husband. I of course told them to be more accessible and responsive - this is what Attachment theory tells us is the key to a secure connection. The group didn’t seem to jump with excitement about my answer so I thought maybe it wasn’t clear enough. To answer that question again, here are three simple things that any of us could do today to make us a better husband or wife.

1. Make time in our schedule to devote all our time and focus to our spouse. Clear our schedule, clear our mind, and turn off distractions that might change our focus. Work to put down walls, remove barriers, and tune out distractions to be avaiable for our spouse. Give yourself (at least your attention) to your spouse.

2. Once you are there, listen. Don’t jump to problem solving and don’t change the subject. Listen to them and their story. As you listen work to respond to their experience more than the events of the story. Think about how she/he felt - are they excited, scared, happy? Focus on the meaning of the story - why is this story/event important and how does it impact this person?

3. Now that you’ve listened, share your care. Make sure that before you leave this moment, your wife or husband knows how much you love, appreciate, respect, admire, adore, and care about them. Make sure they feel loved in a manner that speaks to them.

 To know someone is to understand them. To know them, we must first be accessible and then responsive. We must leave our spouse with a feeling that they matter in our mind and that we carry with us a feeling of love and care for them.

 Now I feel much better about my answer.