I was recently interviewed for an online magazine. Check out the article, I think it turned out nice.

http://spokane.latterdaysentinel.com/archiveStory.asp?theArticle=173

John Gottman is one of the leading researchers in the area of studying and understanding couple relationships. I love reading his material and using it to help me better understand my own marriage and the relationships around me. His research is one small part of the growing information we have about what makes relationships work. I believe that we can all improve our relationships and understanding some of the facts behind marriages can give us new insight into what works and what we might just want to stay away from. Here are just a few of Gottman’s highlights.
*There are two main characteristics of couples who divorce: one group has a pattern of escalating conflict (when they argue it gets worse and worse) and another group has a pattern of being emotional disengaged (no connection/no closeness).
*One of the key differences between what Gottman calls “masters” (couples who stay together and are happy) versus “disasters” (couples who either separate or remain together yet are not happy) is how the different couples begin their conversations. The masters begin with a softened start-up. Rather than starting with criticism or a complaint, they begin with some form of invitation or warmth.
*To create lasting change in a relationship, couples need to build a pattern that continually creates positive feelings in the relationship. Couples need to both look for the positive and work to do positive actions both in conflict and in non-conflict moments.
*Two final pieces that may seem simple and yet are so important are the fact that master couples prioritize their relationship and develop what Gottman calls “rituals of connection.” Couples prioritize time together and then work to use those times to emotionally connect.

Let me speak to this last note for just a minute. If connecting with one another is key, then you might want to know the facts about couples and the chances one couple might connect versus another. Gottman’s research shows that couples who are struggling in their relationship turn towards one another for comfort 36% of the time, while couples who are doing well turn towards one another 86% of the time. If you have read other parts of my blog, then you know I like to talk about security in a relationship. These stats point to the amount of security in a relationship. Couples who struggle are less likely to feel secure and thus seek security by turning away from their partner, while secure couples are more likely to see their spouse as accessible and emotionally responsive and thus turn towards that person for comfort.
Just for fun, track how often you are turning towards your spouse/partner. Do you ackowledge the other while they are talking or working to get your attention. To you turn to them to ask a question or share a thought? Do you turn to that person when you need reassurance or comfort? Gottman’s research tells us that turning towards one another and building rituals of connection are keys to emotional security.

I am reading an amazing book titled, “The Intentional Family” by Bill Doherty. In it he speaks of the idea that most American families struggle to be intentional about their relationships and the potential danger of living a life without intention. It really has made me think about how intentional I am in my life, my life path, and in my family. Here are just a few highlights that really make me think.
Did you know that about 75% of American families no longer eat dinner together on a regular basis. Of the 25% who say they do have dinner together on a regular basis, half report that they eat dinner with the T.V. on. This means, that only about 12 to 13% of American families have dinner where eating and being together are the primary focus.
Did you know that the American family is bombarded with activities outside of the home and technology inside the home. Once again, we are just too busy for our own good and many of us are not intentional about the time we spend together.
One last one, did you know that most time when couples are most intentional about spending quality time together is during their dating years. Something switches when most couples get married and they stop being intentional about creating time and space to “really” be together.
All of this has made me really look at my life and see how intentional or unintentional I am in all aspects. We all have the same amount of time in a day, so it is about how we choose to spend it. We can be physically present, yet emotional absent or emotionally distant. We, including me, all need to be more intentional about making our relationships the priority in our lives. We may not be able to spend every minute with them, yet when have a minute do we give it? Are we intentional in creating moments of bonding, of connecting, of understanding, of listening, of touching, and playing together. The intentional family does all or some of this. The intentional marriage uses the small moments of time to maximize their closeness and works to create the safety and security we all need. I ask you to take a minute and think about your intentions? Are you purposeful in going in the direction you want to go?