Yesterday I was asked to speak to a group up in north Spokane and I spoke about strengthening marriage. Here are some highlights of what I shared.
I believe we all operate in patterns. No single event ‘just’ happens; events are connected. In marriage we develop patterns from the time we first date and they continue and develop as life changes. These patterns can seem to operate on auto-pilot and often we don’t even think about them. I broke these patterns into 2 basic cycles - one turnings us toward our spouse and the other turning us away.
For the pattern that leads away from one another I pulled on the ‘6 Destructive Ds’ that was shared a year ago by a leader in my church (Kevin Pearson, April 2009). He applied these Ds to ones faith, but I believe they fit well within one’s marriage. They go like this: We may begin to have doubts in our marriage. Doubt can come from fear or a lack of belief in one’s ability. We may doubt that we are important or that we are appreciated by one another. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Over time discouragement can lead to distraction. We can lose focus or shift priorities. When we are distracted, we often have a lack of diligence in our marriage.  These four Ds can take hold of our marriage and we can spin in this cycle for weeks, months or even years. If this pattern is not corrected it can lead to the other 2 destructive Ds - disobedience and disbelief. Here we break commitments and covenants and eventually begin to lose belief that the marriage can be saved.
Compare this to what I called the ‘6 Affectionate As’. These are 6 tools every marriage needs in order to create a pattern where we turn towards one another. First, we need to be accessible. Each spouse needs to know they can call upon the other in times of need. Next, we need to be attentive. It isn’t good enough to know we can reach the other, we need to know they will respond. When we are attentive, we cue into the other’s needs and how we can be emotionally responsive. As we work to do these things, we need to become actively engaged. Marriage (and each person) need constant, consitent nurturing. Being actively engaged is a commitment to do little things with one another to keep connected. Recreation is one great way to do this - be active with one another. Couples need to develop a pattern of appreciation. Do you notice the 9 things that were picked out, or the one that was left out? We need to have an attitude of appreciation where we look for the positive and pay tribute to the skills, gifts, and attributes each brings to the relationship. Next, couples need to love with affection. It is not enough to be ‘good friends’ or associates. Each spouse longs to be loved and to feel affection from the other. Learn to love in a language that the other can understand. Finally, we need to apply the atonement. No spouse is perfect, so we need to learn to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continuously work to create a place of softness where one is not judged for the mistakes they make, but rather the repairs they attempt.
There you have it (sorry for the length). Stay away from the 6 Destructive Ds and develop the 6 Affectionate As. Think about it this way…would you rather have a report card of straight Ds or straight As???

I been reading parts of Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and thought I would share a few points that seem to stand out. On page 255 she writes, “In my office, more emotionally distant partners sometimes tell me, “I do all kinds of things to show I care. I mow the lawn, bring in a good salary, solve problems, and I don’t play around. Why is it that, in the end, these things don’t seem to matter, and all that counts with my wife is that we don’t talk about emotional stuff and cuddle.” Sue’s response is this “we need someone to pay real attention, to hold us tight, to come very close sometimes and respond to us in an emotional way that moves us, connects with us. Nothing compares with that.”
I seem to be seeing this a lot lately - people trying to love one another without being emotional close. I love Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, yet struggle with what may be the most important ways to be loved. Take Chapman’s language of service for example. Here we love someone by serving them. For awhile this was true in my relationship - if I wanted to show Cami I loved her, I would start cleaning the house. This is great, but it doesn’t address the closeness that Sue spoke about above.
It is great if I can love you without being in the same room with you—but that might also be the problem –it is only safe to love you when I’m not in the room with you. When we speak about emotional closeness, we speak about openness and being vulnerable with one another. If I’m serving you and you’re not home, then I don’t have to be vunerable and you don’t have to be vulnerable. There is love, yet according to EFT, there is a lack of depth to that love. I hope you can see the point I’m trying to address because I’ve seen quite a few couples who have settled for what I could call ‘distant love’ or ’safety from a distance.’ True emotional closeness comes when I can stand next to you or be in your arms. When we can be close enough to allow the other to see into our mind, our thoughts, and our desires. Its hard to connect when you both stand on other sides of the same wall.

You know the saying, “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” Well from an attachment theory perpective we like to say, “it’s not whether you win or lose the game, it’s who you play with that matters.” This stresses the importance of companionship and connections along the path of life. Our biggest wins are always better when we have someone to celebrate with. Our biggest losses are never as difficult when we have someone to pick us up. Either way, win or lose, we want to play the game with someone…and hopefully someone special.
All of Cami’s training was finally put to the test on Saturday as she ran the Windermere marathon here in Spokane. 26+ miles from Post Falls, ID to downtown Spokane, running along the Centennial Trail. Cami’s first marathon and she did it. What made it memorable was knowing she wasn’t running alone.

I joined several friends and caravanned from one stop on the trail to another. We would get out, cheer on the runners, and then head to the next spot. We did this from mile 7 to the finish line. Cami ran with some great friends who also served as her training partners all spring. At some point along the race (I think mile 17) Cami’s body started to not feel well. Her partners tried to encourage her, her cheering section rallied around her at each stop along the trail. In the end she found the strength to continue and finished the race. What was amazing was that two of her partners who had finished ahead of her, headed back out on the course to find her. Together, they supported her as she crossed the finish line as the rest of the support crew cheered. She was able to finish and she finished in full support of her friends and family.

This entire experience has taught me so much about determination, discipline, and connection. Running for 5 hours, plus the many training runs during the months before were all about training the body as much as they were about training the mind. Can you image how many times one’s mind must try to say, “let’s be done.” The marathon also taught me about the power of support and connection. When we are connected we borrow strength from those around us. When we are down, they lift us up. When we are tired, they say ‘keep on going.’ When we finish, they say ‘you did it.’ When we are dead tired for two days after the race, they say ‘you deserve it.’

To all those who see life as a marathon instead of a sprint, I suggest you grab your support team and develop a plan to make it through the next few miles together. Good luck!

I received an email recently from someone who attended one of my workshops on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She commented how, as a relationship counselor, she has seen a whole new level of success as she employed this new method of therapy as compared to her old model. When asked what the difference was, she mentioned some of the core principles of attachment such as safe haven (buffer from the storm), wanting to know that our partner/spouse will be there for us when we need them, and the concept that when one person goes vulnerable the key is to help the other person either respond with compassion or go vulnerable themself.

Whenever I start talking about going vulnerable, people start asking why? Why do I need to be vulnerable and why does my vulnerablity need to be with emotions? Well I have this great quote on my computer in my office that states: emotion has ‘control precedence’ so it is the focus in creating change. Our emotions tell us what is important. Our emotions tell us what we need. Our emotions move us to action.
Research now tells us that we actually can’t suppress our emotions. By the time our brain reads the emotional signal and then tries to cover it up, our body has already given an emotional response. Even if we try to suppress our emotion, it either comes out in another way or we move to a total shut down.
When we shut down our emotions or try to not go vulnerable, people around us struggle to know what we need. People are constantly reading other people. When we don’t share how we really feel, people get mixed signals about what is going on with us and what we need. It is difficult to be accessible and emotionally responsive to a spouse who is open and vulnerable. It is near impossible to be those things to one who acts as if she doesn’t feel anything.
In your own life, I hope you are finding success when you go vulnerable. Are you finding people respond well to you when you share with them who you really are and how you really feel? It may take time and it may take practice. When you go vulnerable, it invites them to become vulnerable with you. This is where real connections can take place.

For some Mother’s Day is a difficult time. For some holiday’s are a difficult time. When life isn’t going the way you want or when relationships are not what you had hoped, adding a holiday to your load can be too much. I find so many couples struggle around Valentine’s Day, and some mothers struggle around Mother’s Day. I’m sorry if life isn’t going your way. I’m sorry if, for some reason, your relationships are not as close as you had hoped. It can be devastating when someone in our life is not where we think they should be.
Alfred Adler is a famous theorist in the counseling and psychology profession. One of his principles was the fact that he didn’t see people as broken or sick, he saw them as discouraged. You see, he believed that whenever one’s reality did not meet one’s expectations, they became discouraged. I see this all the time and believe it to be true. So for some, the reality of Mother’s Day won’t meet their expectations and discouragment sets in.
My question is this: How does one find happiness when they are down? If I had the exact answer I’d be rich! I think, in some ways, this is a personal and unique question with many different answers. I also believe that many people have found ways to find happiness in times of darkness. Here a just a couple of suggestions for you to try:
*Start looking for the good. Do you find yourself looking around and scanning the environment for what is working and what is good, or do you look for what is broken and what is bad? Gottman’s research says there is a vast difference in people who train themselves to look for the good. Yes I said ‘TRAIN.’ You can train your dragon!
*Count your blessings. Similar concept as above, but it may also include looking into the past for what is good. When we are down and discouraged, it can be hard to find the good in the present. If you scan your area and can’t see any good, look behind you and find good along the way.
*Laugh! Laugh until your laugh becomes real. I’m not a fan of ‘fake it until you make it,’ because I believe too many of us fake things too often. This is finding something to laugh at and then laughing until the chemicals in your brain kick in and they start producing real laughter.
*Find someone who cares. Even when our most important relationships struggle, I hope we have someone we can turn to. Isn’t that what makes mom’s so great. Turn to your mom and if you can’t, find another because she’ll love you like moms know how.
When we are down what we usually want it comfort. When we are down what we usually want is acknowledgment. When we are down what we usually want is to be up. Find someone who will acknowledge your pain, offer you comfort and lift you UP!

Let me start off with a bunch of facts -
*Everyone needs a secure bond with another. This bond offers us a safe haven to go to where we can find comfort and support and a secure base to go out from into the world. This need for connection is wired in.
*The quality of this connection is key to how we develop as human beings and is key to our sense of self and how we engage with others.
*The security of our connection impacts our physical health (immune system and health of our heart) and our mental health (how vulnerable we are to depression and anxiety).
*If we feel emotionally connected, we can be physically alone and separate more easily. As adults, we carry our loved ones in our thoughts, whereas small children need the actual physical presense of the loved one. This ability to carry our connection with us is a source of strength for us.

I could go on and on about the facts of the importance of being emotionally connected, but by now I hope you get the point. When you think about the power of a mother’s touch, it isn’t just how she touches us physically, it is how she touches us emotionally. I know my kids love to be touched by their mother. At almost any given time, one or more of them is trying to find the best position to get ’soft tickles’ and to be seated as close to her as possible. This is key and provides that soothing and comfort of a safe haven. The way she touches them emotionally is the way she builds confidence, offers reassurance, and provides a place to build a positive view of self. This emotional touch can be done through words, service, time, gifts, and even touch. As moms love their children in a language they understand, it sends a strong message that they are loveable and that they deserve to be loved. This touch is the lasting touch that they take with them long after they have outgrown soft tickles and snuggles on the couch.

Well May has blown into the pacific northwest and it is time to start thinking about moms and the great joy they bring to all of us and to their families. I love to take time to think of my own mom, grandmas and aunts in my family, and now my wife who is the mother of our five kids. I love to think of all the things they do, both big and small, to make a difference in the lives of others. I love to think about how different moms can be in how they function, how they parent, and how they cope with running a small business (the home) while trying to maintain any sense of personal identity. This is a great time to think about gifts we should give to our moms. It is also a great time to think of the gifts they give to us.
                                          

One of my best memories of my childhood is that my mom was always around. She was always available and my memory was that she was always willing to give me more time and attention. I know this can’t all be true as I am child number 7 out of 8, so I know her life didn’t revolve around me and my schedule. I know there were times when I starred and cried out the window because she was gone too long or busy and not there for me. Those are small memories, the big memories always include my mom having time to talk, to carpool, and to make breakfast. She was always there.                   
Now I watch Cami with our crazy bunch of 5 and marvel at how she gives and gives. I hope one day our kids will look back and say she was always there, always willing to listen, and always available to do something in their life. I also watch other moms either around us or in my family. I love to see how they each put their own stamp on their family and their kids. I love to see how they each do about the same thing, yet each manage to find a different and creative way to parent.                        
I also look through the lens of a family counselor and I often wonder what is the best gift a mother can give. The research is varied, but I think a theme that I seem to hold onto is the idea of availability and responsiveness.
Remember from attachment theory the idea that the two keep priniciples for a secure attachment are accessibility and emotional responsiveness on the part of the attachment figure. I personal endorse this and believe the most important thing a mother can do is be present in the eyes of her children. This doesn’t mean that they are there every minute. It means that when they have a minute, they are their emotionallys as well as physically. This can be a difficult task and a challenge when the need is consistency, yet I see moms rise to the challenge again and again. Thanks for being there.