I haven’t done a weekend post for quite some time, but I know this next week is going to be busy. I hope you are enjoying summer and all the fun adventures that it offers. The last two weekends, my family has hit the lake. Here in Spokane when you ask someone what they are doing they will say, “going to the lake.” We have so many all around that often you don’t know which one they are heading to. Yesterday we went to Lake Pend Oreille and enjoyed the south end of the lake just south of Sand Point, Idaho.
For Father’s Day this year, Cami and the kids gave me an infatable kayak. It has been so much fun and adds another dimension to our lake trips because we are no longer land locked. We headed out yesterday looking for adventure. We were only at the beach a short time because we spent most of the day paddling around a beautiful place called Buttonhook Bay. We hiked an island, jumped off the docks, and had second thoughts about the tree swing.
The reason I’m sharing all of this with you is because it taught me a simple lesson about one’s place in life. Our camera ran out of batteries so I don’t have a photo. You’ll have to image Cami and I paddling our raft with Preslie in the front. Braunson & Beaudry our 10 year olds are on a tube that is tied to the back of our kayak. Maci and Cooper (both age 7) are also tied to our kayak, floating in a small rubber raft. We must have been quite the sight because I saw several people pointing as we floated by.
As we circled around the island, we were in a magical, beautiful place. Boats were only allowed to go 5 mph (we didn’t have a problem doing that). There were only a handful of boats and most were tied up at the dock. We had the steep, wooded mountains on three sides with the majority of the lake behind us. For a minute here and there we would just stop, float, and enjoy! The lesson was found in comparing our make-shift train of boats to the others in the bay. There were several massive sail boats, a couple double decker boats, and then some nice boats for water skiing. We seemed to be the only ones using man-power to move our boat. At first we felt quite small and out of place with the big boy boats, yet as we played and explored I was more than content to be were I was. My family was together, we were in a beautiful place, and we were enjoying each others company. The size of our boat wasn’t the focus. The manner of our movement wasn’t the focus. We focused on each other - the laughter, the deadend trails on the island, the oversized rope swing that scared me as I gave it the first test-run, and the endless dives and flips off of the dock. In a moment we could have been anywhere because we were together.

One of the biggest complaints I here from both partners is “I’m never good enough” or “what I do is never enough.” We try to please our spouse. We try to love them using their love language. We try to listen. We try, and try, and try….yet often feel it is never enough.
So the other day I was working with a couple and this pattern was being repeated. The wife was discussing how she was frustrated with the lack of attention and affection. As I helped her move away from her frustration (frustration is probably one of the least effective ways to encourage someone to try in a relationship), I helped her realize how hurt she was. In this she then described what she really needed from her husband.
As she stated her needs I could see the list forming in the husbands mind and imaged him saying to himself “If I’m already failing, how in the world will I be able to do all of those things.”
What happened next is the real solution. Rather than running out and ‘doing’ all the things he thought he HAD to do, he shared how overwhelmed he was and the pressure ‘not to fail’ in the relationship. He spoke of his personal fear of failure and how he didn’t want to fail at loving his wife. In this he started to cry because of the pain he has felt for so long as he continually failed to help his wife feel loved and appreciated. In the moment where he began to cry, she began to cry.
You see, the answer to the question of ‘what is enough’ is found in sharing yourself with your spouse. As we share who we are, where we are at, and how we feel - the other one knows us, hears us, and finally sees us.
We all want to be seen and often when someone is asking for more, they really want you to see them. You are enough. You being you and you sharing who you are is enough. Letting someone see the real you, even if you are scared, hurt, or alone…is enough. Once you are seen it is easier to see the other person. When we see one another, we can reach out and comfort. We begin to understand them and they begin to understand us. It is hard to help someone we don’t see.
I know there have been times in my life where my own insecurities have caused me to wonder if I’m ever enough for my wife. I have also experienced the times when I have allowed my wife to see me and I’m always amazed at how eager she is to respond when she finally sees me. Try it and see what happens.

This morning I presented my model of the relationship process to my students. Each time I have the opportunity to discuss and share my research it reminds me of my passion and interest in understanding and working with couples. If you don’t remember my research here is a bit of it:
I looked at couples who self-identified as being part of a healthy relationship. I had them describe their experience and tried to find pieces that could fit together to develop a model to explain their relationship. What I found was that these couples each had perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. These perceptions influenced the type of expectations they had for themselves, their partner and the relationship. For example, if one person had a perception that their spouse was a caring person, they they held an expectation that their spouse would care for them when needed. These perceptions and expectations influence how they interact. Continuing the example, “if I see my spouse as a caring person, I will expect him/her to be there for me when I need to be cared for. Because I expect them to be there, I go towards them when I need something.” If the interaction meets the expectation, then it confirms the perception and the cycle repeats itself.
I use this with most of my couples that I see in my counseling practice. As they pinpoint their perceptions of their spouse/partner they can almost always predict their expectations and interactions.
If you find that someone is angry all the time (interaction) what perception and expectations are behind that anger? Often I have found that angry people see their partner in a negative light (selfish, uncaring, mean, scary) and expect negative things (only take care of self, uninterested, unavailable, hurtful) and the anger is often a protest or protection against the perception and expected behavior.
It may be helpful for each of us to take inventory of our perceptions of our spouse, ourself, and our relationship. How you see the other person comes out in each interaction. The key is to understand your relationship process, be in control of it, and work to change it if it isn’t working for you.

For our family, July 4th represents the best of summer. We alternate between two traditions - camping at Priest Lake or heading to Idaho Falls. This year we are here in I.F. celebrating with a morning parade, family bbq and fireworks. Here are some of reasons our family loves the 4th of July:                                                                   
*there is nothing better than fireworks set to music (fireworks over the lake at the Hills or dancing to a live DJ at the marina at Priest or being along the river in Idaho Falls).
*parades - our family loves to attend parades (the Lilac parade in Spokane or the parade in Idaho Falls for the 4th).

                                         
*being with family - when we go camping it is so fun to be up at the lake for any lenght of time. This year we get to see extended family and attend a bbq at my Grandma Pratt’s place which she has hosted for years. Its a mini-family reunion.
*all day celebrations - it seems like so many holidays are celebrated after work. We love any type that begin in the morning and last all day and even into the night. There is nothing like an all day party!
*finding outfits in red, white and blue. Hey its fun to dress up!

We hope you have a great 4th of July!