2 Different Cycles
Yesterday I was asked to speak to a group up in north Spokane and I spoke about strengthening marriage. Here are some highlights of what I shared.
I believe we all operate in patterns. No single event ‘just’ happens; events are connected. In marriage we develop patterns from the time we first date and they continue and develop as life changes. These patterns can seem to operate on auto-pilot and often we don’t even think about them. I broke these patterns into 2 basic cycles - one turnings us toward our spouse and the other turning us away.
For the pattern that leads away from one another I pulled on the ‘6 Destructive Ds’ that was shared a year ago by a leader in my church (Kevin Pearson, April 2009). He applied these Ds to ones faith, but I believe they fit well within one’s marriage. They go like this: We may begin to have doubts in our marriage. Doubt can come from fear or a lack of belief in one’s ability. We may doubt that we are important or that we are appreciated by one another. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Over time discouragement can lead to distraction. We can lose focus or shift priorities. When we are distracted, we often have a lack of diligence in our marriage. These four Ds can take hold of our marriage and we can spin in this cycle for weeks, months or even years. If this pattern is not corrected it can lead to the other 2 destructive Ds - disobedience and disbelief. Here we break commitments and covenants and eventually begin to lose belief that the marriage can be saved.
Compare this to what I called the ‘6 Affectionate As’. These are 6 tools every marriage needs in order to create a pattern where we turn towards one another. First, we need to be accessible. Each spouse needs to know they can call upon the other in times of need. Next, we need to be attentive. It isn’t good enough to know we can reach the other, we need to know they will respond. When we are attentive, we cue into the other’s needs and how we can be emotionally responsive. As we work to do these things, we need to become actively engaged. Marriage (and each person) need constant, consitent nurturing. Being actively engaged is a commitment to do little things with one another to keep connected. Recreation is one great way to do this - be active with one another. Couples need to develop a pattern of appreciation. Do you notice the 9 things that were picked out, or the one that was left out? We need to have an attitude of appreciation where we look for the positive and pay tribute to the skills, gifts, and attributes each brings to the relationship. Next, couples need to love with affection. It is not enough to be ‘good friends’ or associates. Each spouse longs to be loved and to feel affection from the other. Learn to love in a language that the other can understand. Finally, we need to apply the atonement. No spouse is perfect, so we need to learn to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continuously work to create a place of softness where one is not judged for the mistakes they make, but rather the repairs they attempt.
There you have it (sorry for the length). Stay away from the 6 Destructive Ds and develop the 6 Affectionate As. Think about it this way…would you rather have a report card of straight Ds or straight As???
