Relationship Process
This morning I presented my model of the relationship process to my students. Each time I have the opportunity to discuss and share my research it reminds me of my passion and interest in understanding and working with couples. If you don’t remember my research here is a bit of it:
I looked at couples who self-identified as being part of a healthy relationship. I had them describe their experience and tried to find pieces that could fit together to develop a model to explain their relationship. What I found was that these couples each had perceptions of themselves, their partner, and their relationship. These perceptions influenced the type of expectations they had for themselves, their partner and the relationship. For example, if one person had a perception that their spouse was a caring person, they they held an expectation that their spouse would care for them when needed. These perceptions and expectations influence how they interact. Continuing the example, “if I see my spouse as a caring person, I will expect him/her to be there for me when I need to be cared for. Because I expect them to be there, I go towards them when I need something.” If the interaction meets the expectation, then it confirms the perception and the cycle repeats itself.
I use this with most of my couples that I see in my counseling practice. As they pinpoint their perceptions of their spouse/partner they can almost always predict their expectations and interactions.
If you find that someone is angry all the time (interaction) what perception and expectations are behind that anger? Often I have found that angry people see their partner in a negative light (selfish, uncaring, mean, scary) and expect negative things (only take care of self, uninterested, unavailable, hurtful) and the anger is often a protest or protection against the perception and expected behavior.
It may be helpful for each of us to take inventory of our perceptions of our spouse, ourself, and our relationship. How you see the other person comes out in each interaction. The key is to understand your relationship process, be in control of it, and work to change it if it isn’t working for you.
