What is enough?
One of the biggest complaints I here from both partners is “I’m never good enough” or “what I do is never enough.” We try to please our spouse. We try to love them using their love language. We try to listen. We try, and try, and try….yet often feel it is never enough.
So the other day I was working with a couple and this pattern was being repeated. The wife was discussing how she was frustrated with the lack of attention and affection. As I helped her move away from her frustration (frustration is probably one of the least effective ways to encourage someone to try in a relationship), I helped her realize how hurt she was. In this she then described what she really needed from her husband.
As she stated her needs I could see the list forming in the husbands mind and imaged him saying to himself “If I’m already failing, how in the world will I be able to do all of those things.”
What happened next is the real solution. Rather than running out and ‘doing’ all the things he thought he HAD to do, he shared how overwhelmed he was and the pressure ‘not to fail’ in the relationship. He spoke of his personal fear of failure and how he didn’t want to fail at loving his wife. In this he started to cry because of the pain he has felt for so long as he continually failed to help his wife feel loved and appreciated. In the moment where he began to cry, she began to cry.
You see, the answer to the question of ‘what is enough’ is found in sharing yourself with your spouse. As we share who we are, where we are at, and how we feel - the other one knows us, hears us, and finally sees us.
We all want to be seen and often when someone is asking for more, they really want you to see them. You are enough. You being you and you sharing who you are is enough. Letting someone see the real you, even if you are scared, hurt, or alone…is enough. Once you are seen it is easier to see the other person. When we see one another, we can reach out and comfort. We begin to understand them and they begin to understand us. It is hard to help someone we don’t see.
I know there have been times in my life where my own insecurities have caused me to wonder if I’m ever enough for my wife. I have also experienced the times when I have allowed my wife to see me and I’m always amazed at how eager she is to respond when she finally sees me. Try it and see what happens.
