I know many of you have been celebrating summer for a month now, but for us it has finally arrived. The kids had their first full week of vacation and the weather finally turned warm and sunny. Summer is such a great time of year to change our pace and to change our focus. For some of us we spend more time outside, more time recreating, and more time with friends and family. Summer, and the warmer weather and longer nights, creates the perfect excuse to try something new. Invite people over for smores and night games in the back yard or head to the park for a family picnic. Today our family found a fun park along the Spokane River by Post Falls, ID. We carted our lunch with us and ate underneath tall pines. The kids played in the water and Preslie fell in and then decided just to enjoy a quick swim. We played on the big toy and then everyone took their turn swinging the bat while we practiced some baseball. Just a fun afternoon with little prep. It was just a step a way from the house, the routine, and all the many projects that call to us the rest of the week.
Summer creates the natural backdrop to do small activities that build lasting memories. A fun bike ride, a nice casual walk, or just sitting on the porch. As summer heats up, some of us will find ways to head out on a family adventure. We will hit the woods, lakes, and water parks. We will attend family reunions and reconnect with cousins and siblings. We will strenghten relationships that keep us going the rest of the year. Some of these activities will be true adventures with risks, wild rides, and even roller coasters. Others will enjoy long talks, small talk, and even laughter. When you are with the ones you love, it really doesn’t matter what you do.
Let this be a summer where you build relationships and focus on what matters most.

This morning I was given a model that shows the pattern of a relationship in four steps. First, we fall in love where there is romance, infatuation, little conflict, and often we see the other as ‘perfect.’ After some time this stages progresses into what could be called the settling down phase. Here we begin to see imperfections and differences. We settle into a routine and operate in a fairly regular cycle. Then we progress to a third stage where we ‘bottom out.’ Here partners hide from confrontation, engage in blaming and alienation. In this stage we have a choice - we can either move into a holding pattern were we continue to bottom out which often results in rock bottom or the end - or we can leave or fight. Here we acknowledge that we are part of the problem and work to create change. If we choose to change we move to the fourth stage called ‘beginning again’ where we remember why and how we are attracted to the other person. We often realize what we are attracted to is different than the beginning and we move to reconciliation, forgiveness, and hope. We begin to fall in love again.

I don’t know if that cycle describes relationships exactly the way I see them, but I like the part where we have a choice to move into a holding pattern or create change by doing something different. Why would someone move to a holding pattern? Comfort, familiarity, fear…etc. I believe in each of our relationships we all need courage to dare to do something different. Even when life is good we need to be building courage to fight the tendency to bottom out or turn away. We need to dare to be different and work to create new patterns of connections; new opportunities to grow together; and moments of forgiveness and reconcilation.

We recently returned from Cami’s grandma’s funeral and with that trip has come a lot of deep thoughts about life.

Throw Father’s Day into that and it all adds up to moments of deep reflection about the type of life I want to live. I heard a saying years ago that asked “do you live to work or do you work to live?” I believe I work to live, yet there are stretches in my schedule where some may think I simply live to work. So I want each of us to take some time to think about our living legacy…what does our current life say about who we are and how we live(d) our life.
For Father’s Day each of the kids wrote me a short letter thanking me for being their father. In each note were a handful a statements about what they liked about me, what they want from me, and what they enjoy doing with me. Some were obvious like Cooper saying he appreciates me making lots of money and he would hope that I would give it all to him. Others were based on recent activities like Beaudry saying he enjoys going mountain biking with me. Yet a few really spoke to what I hope is my living legacy with my kids. They spoke of the time we spend together, the ideas I share with them, and the coaching I do on the side. More than being a hard worker, I want my kids to know I valued our time together and that I valued them.
Lately we’ve been consumed with house projects…I think each kid now has a new bed, new bedroom feel, and a few new places to store things. With all of this I tried to highlight that my bedroom hasn’t been updated since we were married and probably won’t be in any near future (by choice). I wanted my kids to see that I valued their experience more than my own. I’m not sure they care too much about that at this point, but it seems important for them to know that from me.
What else is important to you and how you live your life? When it comes to our legacy I don’t believe it is about having the right one, or if our’s is wrong…it is about fit. Does your life represent who you are and how you want to live? Does your focus represent what you value and what brings you joy, satisfaction, and lasting security? I sure hope so.

Today is the last day of school for our kids and with that comes a ton of different emotions. Can you remember one of your last days of school? So much fun. So much anticipation. So much excitement. With all of the fun, anticipation, and excitement some of us become focus-challenged. With everything going on, we can’t seem to remain focused on the tasks at hand. Here is an example to illustrate my point:
Yesterday at school the kids had a ‘field day’ which turned out to be a ‘gym day’ because of rain. They had movies for part of the day and a long list of games they could play the other part of the day. Maci and Cooper had games in the morning, then lunch, then some ‘Tapping Grandmas’ before the games could begin. When the time finally arrived it was a free-for-all. Kids were running back and forth, station to station. Mobs of kids trying to all jump on the blow up twister game, while others danced in the gym. In the middle of all this craziness I ran into Maci. I literally ran into her as she was running form station to station. The funny thing is that she wasn’t doing any of the activities. She would run as fast as she could to a station (let’s say twister) then see the line was long and wait about 30 seconds before leaving for the line dancing in the gym. She danced about 8 beats before she heading to the library for board games. When I finally ran into her I asked her what she was doing and she said, “there are so many things to do that I don’t know what to do.” And since she didn’t know what to do, she was ending up doing nothing.
This can be many of us at different stages in our lives. We are pulled in many different directions because of the options and opportunities that are available to us. With the endless options some become ‘paralyzed by choices’ while others begin many choices yet rarely stick with one decision to see it to the end. What happens when this becomes a pattern? Can you picture this and can you identify times in your life when you have been in this dance?
The challenge is to choose your focus and to take charge of your shifting states. It’s okay (and even healthy) to shift needs, focus, and direction. The key is to be in control of shifts and turns. If not we either become lost without a true compass of what we need, want, and desire…or we can become paralyzed by the choices and literally freeze in our decision making.
So now my kids are finally joining the many other kids who have already started summer vacation. This exciting time with endless possibilities. Will they choose a focus, become lost along the way, or become bored/frozen with too many choices. Help them choose a focus, stay on task, and enjoy the moment…remember life is best lived in the present. Happy summer!

With each new season I seem to look back at the last one and say, “life is going to fast,” or “I work too much.” Well lately I’ve felt that again as we count down the final days of the school year. Tonight I’m teaching my final summer school class until July and the kids have less than two weeks until summer. Yesterday we attended a final school party for Maci and Cooper, which means the end is really near.
Right now we have several people who are dear to us who are struggling with health issues and it makes me think about what I deem most important in my life. My kids might say it is my job because of the countless hours I seem to spend working. I’m always picking up a new client, an additional class, or a new workshop. I love what I do, but it isn’t what matters most.
My kids might say it is sports - watching football in the fall, ultimate frisbee on Saturday mornings, golf clubs in the trunk of my car waiting to be played, or the occasional mountain bike ride. I do love to recreate, but they are not what matters most.
After all of that, my kids would then have to say what matters most must be food related -bbq (ribs, pulled pork, something smoked), out to eat, Thai food, homemade David’s Pizza, etc. They know I’m always in the kitchen looking for something fun to make. Nope, not what matters most.
Then they would get it right - family; doing activities; being together. This is what matters most - the people in my life! Relationships are maintained and built by the exchanges we have together. Relationships are strengthened by sharing ourselves with those around us. Relationships are strengthened knowing we are there for the special moments. I know we cannot always be there for one another, so the challenge is to enjoy the moments when we can be there. I hope your summer plans are focused on creating moments with those who matter most.

Yesterday I was asked to speak to a group up in north Spokane and I spoke about strengthening marriage. Here are some highlights of what I shared.
I believe we all operate in patterns. No single event ‘just’ happens; events are connected. In marriage we develop patterns from the time we first date and they continue and develop as life changes. These patterns can seem to operate on auto-pilot and often we don’t even think about them. I broke these patterns into 2 basic cycles - one turnings us toward our spouse and the other turning us away.
For the pattern that leads away from one another I pulled on the ‘6 Destructive Ds’ that was shared a year ago by a leader in my church (Kevin Pearson, April 2009). He applied these Ds to ones faith, but I believe they fit well within one’s marriage. They go like this: We may begin to have doubts in our marriage. Doubt can come from fear or a lack of belief in one’s ability. We may doubt that we are important or that we are appreciated by one another. Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Over time discouragement can lead to distraction. We can lose focus or shift priorities. When we are distracted, we often have a lack of diligence in our marriage.  These four Ds can take hold of our marriage and we can spin in this cycle for weeks, months or even years. If this pattern is not corrected it can lead to the other 2 destructive Ds - disobedience and disbelief. Here we break commitments and covenants and eventually begin to lose belief that the marriage can be saved.
Compare this to what I called the ‘6 Affectionate As’. These are 6 tools every marriage needs in order to create a pattern where we turn towards one another. First, we need to be accessible. Each spouse needs to know they can call upon the other in times of need. Next, we need to be attentive. It isn’t good enough to know we can reach the other, we need to know they will respond. When we are attentive, we cue into the other’s needs and how we can be emotionally responsive. As we work to do these things, we need to become actively engaged. Marriage (and each person) need constant, consitent nurturing. Being actively engaged is a commitment to do little things with one another to keep connected. Recreation is one great way to do this - be active with one another. Couples need to develop a pattern of appreciation. Do you notice the 9 things that were picked out, or the one that was left out? We need to have an attitude of appreciation where we look for the positive and pay tribute to the skills, gifts, and attributes each brings to the relationship. Next, couples need to love with affection. It is not enough to be ‘good friends’ or associates. Each spouse longs to be loved and to feel affection from the other. Learn to love in a language that the other can understand. Finally, we need to apply the atonement. No spouse is perfect, so we need to learn to forgive, ask for forgiveness, and continuously work to create a place of softness where one is not judged for the mistakes they make, but rather the repairs they attempt.
There you have it (sorry for the length). Stay away from the 6 Destructive Ds and develop the 6 Affectionate As. Think about it this way…would you rather have a report card of straight Ds or straight As???

I been reading parts of Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson and thought I would share a few points that seem to stand out. On page 255 she writes, “In my office, more emotionally distant partners sometimes tell me, “I do all kinds of things to show I care. I mow the lawn, bring in a good salary, solve problems, and I don’t play around. Why is it that, in the end, these things don’t seem to matter, and all that counts with my wife is that we don’t talk about emotional stuff and cuddle.” Sue’s response is this “we need someone to pay real attention, to hold us tight, to come very close sometimes and respond to us in an emotional way that moves us, connects with us. Nothing compares with that.”
I seem to be seeing this a lot lately - people trying to love one another without being emotional close. I love Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, yet struggle with what may be the most important ways to be loved. Take Chapman’s language of service for example. Here we love someone by serving them. For awhile this was true in my relationship - if I wanted to show Cami I loved her, I would start cleaning the house. This is great, but it doesn’t address the closeness that Sue spoke about above.
It is great if I can love you without being in the same room with you—but that might also be the problem –it is only safe to love you when I’m not in the room with you. When we speak about emotional closeness, we speak about openness and being vulnerable with one another. If I’m serving you and you’re not home, then I don’t have to be vunerable and you don’t have to be vulnerable. There is love, yet according to EFT, there is a lack of depth to that love. I hope you can see the point I’m trying to address because I’ve seen quite a few couples who have settled for what I could call ‘distant love’ or ’safety from a distance.’ True emotional closeness comes when I can stand next to you or be in your arms. When we can be close enough to allow the other to see into our mind, our thoughts, and our desires. Its hard to connect when you both stand on other sides of the same wall.

You know the saying, “it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” Well from an attachment theory perpective we like to say, “it’s not whether you win or lose the game, it’s who you play with that matters.” This stresses the importance of companionship and connections along the path of life. Our biggest wins are always better when we have someone to celebrate with. Our biggest losses are never as difficult when we have someone to pick us up. Either way, win or lose, we want to play the game with someone…and hopefully someone special.
All of Cami’s training was finally put to the test on Saturday as she ran the Windermere marathon here in Spokane. 26+ miles from Post Falls, ID to downtown Spokane, running along the Centennial Trail. Cami’s first marathon and she did it. What made it memorable was knowing she wasn’t running alone.

I joined several friends and caravanned from one stop on the trail to another. We would get out, cheer on the runners, and then head to the next spot. We did this from mile 7 to the finish line. Cami ran with some great friends who also served as her training partners all spring. At some point along the race (I think mile 17) Cami’s body started to not feel well. Her partners tried to encourage her, her cheering section rallied around her at each stop along the trail. In the end she found the strength to continue and finished the race. What was amazing was that two of her partners who had finished ahead of her, headed back out on the course to find her. Together, they supported her as she crossed the finish line as the rest of the support crew cheered. She was able to finish and she finished in full support of her friends and family.

This entire experience has taught me so much about determination, discipline, and connection. Running for 5 hours, plus the many training runs during the months before were all about training the body as much as they were about training the mind. Can you image how many times one’s mind must try to say, “let’s be done.” The marathon also taught me about the power of support and connection. When we are connected we borrow strength from those around us. When we are down, they lift us up. When we are tired, they say ‘keep on going.’ When we finish, they say ‘you did it.’ When we are dead tired for two days after the race, they say ‘you deserve it.’

To all those who see life as a marathon instead of a sprint, I suggest you grab your support team and develop a plan to make it through the next few miles together. Good luck!

I received an email recently from someone who attended one of my workshops on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). She commented how, as a relationship counselor, she has seen a whole new level of success as she employed this new method of therapy as compared to her old model. When asked what the difference was, she mentioned some of the core principles of attachment such as safe haven (buffer from the storm), wanting to know that our partner/spouse will be there for us when we need them, and the concept that when one person goes vulnerable the key is to help the other person either respond with compassion or go vulnerable themself.

Whenever I start talking about going vulnerable, people start asking why? Why do I need to be vulnerable and why does my vulnerablity need to be with emotions? Well I have this great quote on my computer in my office that states: emotion has ‘control precedence’ so it is the focus in creating change. Our emotions tell us what is important. Our emotions tell us what we need. Our emotions move us to action.
Research now tells us that we actually can’t suppress our emotions. By the time our brain reads the emotional signal and then tries to cover it up, our body has already given an emotional response. Even if we try to suppress our emotion, it either comes out in another way or we move to a total shut down.
When we shut down our emotions or try to not go vulnerable, people around us struggle to know what we need. People are constantly reading other people. When we don’t share how we really feel, people get mixed signals about what is going on with us and what we need. It is difficult to be accessible and emotionally responsive to a spouse who is open and vulnerable. It is near impossible to be those things to one who acts as if she doesn’t feel anything.
In your own life, I hope you are finding success when you go vulnerable. Are you finding people respond well to you when you share with them who you really are and how you really feel? It may take time and it may take practice. When you go vulnerable, it invites them to become vulnerable with you. This is where real connections can take place.

For some Mother’s Day is a difficult time. For some holiday’s are a difficult time. When life isn’t going the way you want or when relationships are not what you had hoped, adding a holiday to your load can be too much. I find so many couples struggle around Valentine’s Day, and some mothers struggle around Mother’s Day. I’m sorry if life isn’t going your way. I’m sorry if, for some reason, your relationships are not as close as you had hoped. It can be devastating when someone in our life is not where we think they should be.
Alfred Adler is a famous theorist in the counseling and psychology profession. One of his principles was the fact that he didn’t see people as broken or sick, he saw them as discouraged. You see, he believed that whenever one’s reality did not meet one’s expectations, they became discouraged. I see this all the time and believe it to be true. So for some, the reality of Mother’s Day won’t meet their expectations and discouragment sets in.
My question is this: How does one find happiness when they are down? If I had the exact answer I’d be rich! I think, in some ways, this is a personal and unique question with many different answers. I also believe that many people have found ways to find happiness in times of darkness. Here a just a couple of suggestions for you to try:
*Start looking for the good. Do you find yourself looking around and scanning the environment for what is working and what is good, or do you look for what is broken and what is bad? Gottman’s research says there is a vast difference in people who train themselves to look for the good. Yes I said ‘TRAIN.’ You can train your dragon!
*Count your blessings. Similar concept as above, but it may also include looking into the past for what is good. When we are down and discouraged, it can be hard to find the good in the present. If you scan your area and can’t see any good, look behind you and find good along the way.
*Laugh! Laugh until your laugh becomes real. I’m not a fan of ‘fake it until you make it,’ because I believe too many of us fake things too often. This is finding something to laugh at and then laughing until the chemicals in your brain kick in and they start producing real laughter.
*Find someone who cares. Even when our most important relationships struggle, I hope we have someone we can turn to. Isn’t that what makes mom’s so great. Turn to your mom and if you can’t, find another because she’ll love you like moms know how.
When we are down what we usually want it comfort. When we are down what we usually want is acknowledgment. When we are down what we usually want is to be up. Find someone who will acknowledge your pain, offer you comfort and lift you UP!